You Win Some, You Lose Some

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If you do a proper U-turn in your life for the better, like I have done you get a moment when you realize that You win some, You lose some… Your past isn’t gone, it’s still there, reminding you of who you are and been. Your present and future are just a clean slate, just like you wanted.

Just when I said my last goodbyes to my Grandpa, I started a completely new chapter in my life that has changed it for the better in so many ways. But it’s also reminded me of my weaknesses and how much I tend to care too much. All the new makes it really easy to hide from the pain I still carry, the moments when I only think how much I miss him. Or how tired I am wholeheartedly. And how I really don’t miss majority of last year.

When you are in your new, free of your past, life and people it feels easy for a while until the “normality” of it all comes your daily life again. The thing is, I’m so used to struggling that I don’t even realize when my life is easy and should just let that be, because after all I really deserve just that. But your reality, as in who you are and have been before this, hasn’t gone anywhere. As long as you have stuff to sort out, it will be there. And I still do.

There’s also this funny fear when you are free from your past, at least for a bit. What if I’m not good enough for who I am the way I am. There’s loads of people who have never read any words here and have no idea of what I’ve gone through to be who I am now. I don’t really care about that most of the time, but then there are moments when I wish that my “reality” would be in a way out there, so that if I feel certain way they would just understand and I wouldn’t feel like I need to hide it all. And yes, I know how dramatic that sounds… But it can feel easier to be a little harder than you really are when in front of new people.

I’ve opened my heart in a way, once again, that only I can do. Possible managed to get it hurt while living it up. But that’s the part that makes me appreciate my damn self once again, it shows me with all it’s pain that I still have it in me. To open my heart after all I’ve been through. But there it is, believing in that goodgood while understanding how impossible it all might be. I guess in all the frustration of it all, I don’t even mind. Fuck, I rather have this than nothing at all. Forever believing in good and love.

So from very cryptic to some sense… The thing is that I have had my depressive days again lately, anxiety on high, and they have reminded me of who I am, before all this new. They are part of me, the things that make me this strong, whether I want it or not. But they also remind me of how much I need my ways of handling them. Those things that once kept me alive from drowning depression. I need to run again, even though last year killed it all for me. I need to find my why again with it. I’m doing it for me, not for anyone else. I need to run so that I can write again, on a regular base. About topics that are painful, topics that aren’t pretty to tell to others. Those things I was good at, and while helping myself helping others. By speaking my truth. My truth that I’ve gotten a bit scared of and lost while at it. I also have to remind myself what I’ve lost in only a year, one of my best friends and my Grandpa. Losing people like that leave marks, they remind you of how short this life really is.

I love the me I am today so damn much, I get annoyed why I have to let my heart be so hungry as it is, but damn I love myself so fucking much for all I am. From those naked selfies, to finally embracing my style the way it’s been bubbling under for such a long time. The more I am honestly myself, the more I’ve found that people either love me or hate me. And I’ve let few of those negative moments under my skin, that only pissed me off more. I guess it’s true… I must have leveled up when people hate me. And I’m definitely doing things right. For myself.

I needed the moment when I felt so low and unloved and frustrated as I did, to remember who I really am, and if someone can’t take that, that’s on them not me. And yes, my past has molded me and defined me, but that doesn’t mean that I need to carry it all with me. I’m so much stronger than I ever was purely because of it. So I have no need to take any bullshit anymore. Tolerance is lower and lower daily.

Dreams are on a all time high these days. Damn old dreams are on the brink of becoming reality, because that’s just how I roll. One day soon, to the sunset with that dreamy motorcycle, like I’ve dreamed since I was about 15… Yes, you are allowed to laugh at that image in your head, be sure I am. Though with a smirk that I’m making it reality, finally. 😉

So we win some, we lose some. That’s it. Never be ashamed or embarrassed of your past, it made you who you are. Be proud of that stuff, no matter how ugly it might be. Love your little heart out, even if it hurts at times, just take those risks. You never know what’ll come on the other side of that risk. It might be the best thing you’ve ever done. And give yourself time to get used to it all, that new can be so tiring, don’t push yourself too hard.

I promise to myself to be more open with who I am, no matter who is in front of me. New people might not know all of me, they don’t have to, but I don’t need to feel like I need to hide it either. I like myself, that’s enough.

PMA ❤

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The Funny Thing Is That We Don’t Really Have As Much Time As We Think…

received_10155286336103458.jpegI’ve read those words quite a few times in the past years. It took until end of 2016 and all of 2017 to really deeply understand what they mean. We really need to lose a lot to understand how delicate and short this life of ours is. We love to judge others, no interest in understanding why some do what they do or decide to do with their lives. Why would we when we aren’t really living and doing what we truly want?

I was in a massive stress ball the whole of 2017, wondering at times why I just keep trucking along despite it all. When I lost my Grandpa, I made decisions I knew would set me free. My body was not in a good state because of the amount of the stress, my mind was strong as fuck but my exhaustion levels ran so high that I didn’t even know myself at times. I was just moving forward because I didn’t know anything else. I wanted to handle what I had with a manner that I could stand behind. I roughly saying, deleted people from my life that I needed to be without, knowing that my choices will cause some words, not caring because I knew I’m doing the right thing for myself. The way I handled 2017, I am immensely proud of myself, knowing I’ve made mistakes on the way like normal human beings do but being true to myself and fixing my errors when needed. I lived the year that I thought wasn’t even real at times, with the honesty I didn’t know before I had in me. So can not be anything else than proud.

I read this article today about what and how would we live our lives if we knew that we only have a week left to live? Or 5 years or 6 months? Have you ever thought about those, I have… My last year got me too close to those thoughts. Even though I thought that I’ve lived honestly the past years of my life, I knew nothing. I’m not saying that it’s always needed to lose a lot to see more clearly but shit, when you lose loved ones that shit makes you think. Especially when you lose a close friend whose the same age as you and someone whose been in your life since day 1.

I know that I’m not everyone’s cup of tea, but that’s completely okay. No problem whatsoever. I’m not living for you or your imaginary friend, I’m here for me and my loved ones, while being good to all who are around me because I have no need to not be nice to you unless you do something that makes me question your being. I do judge at times, I’m a goddamn human, so will never be perfect which is actually really freeing. But I will also be me without compromising, I have no time for that anymore. If you can’t take me, that’s not really my problem, sorry. Basically if I need to sum it up, it’s like this… Fuck expectations, no time for that, do you, be you, stay humbly honest and YOU!

Good friend of mine wrote about how this all glorified freelance life isn’t actually for everyone and how there’s nothing wrong with loving and doing your 9 to 5. I was in the middle of changing my life to what it is now and had been battling with where I should be heading work wise for the past few years, especially after my wrist surgeries. She was able to nail all my feels about who I am and how I have been feeling. I’m forever grateful for her words that came when they came. Partly because of them and this childlike dream, I work where I work now and goddamn love every damn day of it. Yes, it’s still just a month in but damn I’m back to what I love. I am, whether I want it or not, a customer service kind of worker, that’s my jam, that’s where I excel. That’s weirdly in my being and core. I always thought that it’s a thing you do when you’re young and then you need to grow up from it and figure out something grown up to do?! But what the fuck is that?! If you are at your best when helping people, and you can do your job with honesty and sell things that you believe in, why not actually do what you were meant to do? And once I started at my job, I realised how I’ve basically done the same job in different ways my whole life, if I’ve gone away from my path I have been doing really badly, so keep doing you, once again. So, oh hai, I’m your local heritage jeans and boots sales lady. And I love the shit out of my job!

But is there anything I feel I miss in my life, now that I have a dream job and another starting next week? I have dream friends, not many but that’s what I love. Family who supports me.

Well… If you’ve read my pieces longer, you know that I haven’t been the luckiest with love but always been courageous and had a faith in the whole thing, no matter what. But you also have to realise that I’ve been alone for a reason for the past 3ish years. Once you’ve been hurt the way I have and you want to get out better on the other side and not carry the weight of your old pain to something new, you want and need to be on your own to fix your own damn self. Love being who you are alone, and that’s what I’ve done. I have no problem being on my own, this shit rocks, maybe too much at times for my own good. But my heart is still on my sleeve, never left, just questioned if it was smart anymore.

It’s taken me few years to come to a place in my life where I feel that I would be willing to let someone in my life. I don’t need someone but there’s starting to be room for someone in it. I don’t yearn love or someone, but in all honesty I do have moments when I yearn the feel of someones skin on mine, or touch of someones fingers, or cuddles, spooning or hugs from behind. Yeah, those things I miss these days at some moments. And sex, because I’m a grown ass woman who loves her body. Nothing wrong with that.

There’s also this funny thing, that I could be super jealous of my best friend and his new love, which is annoyingly perfect and amazing. But I’m just that annoying myself that I’m over the moon happy for him and his love. That shit makes me happy, because the happiness I wish for someone I love is that kind of happiness. It doesn’t make me feel like I’m lacking something, it makes me think how damn lucky I’m to have a friend like that and to see that kind of real love. A love I have in me, and one day someone to shower with it.

After working pretty much all the time since I started, because I really love what I do, if I didn’t tell you that already, I am having a rare free Saturday today, which is the weirdest feeling ever. As I’ve lived very much freely for the past couple of years with no real days in my life. It’s also one of the first days in really long time that I am doing nothing as I had done everything during the week, I had nothing to do even at home that should be done. I felt lost and just wanted to go to work. But there are benefits when being alone when that feels weird. It’s needed. You might feel that you want to do something, or feel restless or just confused, that shit is normal. Just relax. And I’m saying that as much to myself as to you.

In all honesty, at the moment I’m in my sweats, drinking red wine I got for Christmas from a regular glass and listening to Finnish grime. All the while I kind of hoped spending tonight in a different manner, this will do. And that’s me being honest, even if I was a bit bummed before. We all need these moments when we wish for something else and get this haha. This stuff is life.

So, with all that being said, I’m not about making new years resolutions but I am challenging myself to keep my home clean and organized because I had no energy last year for that and I would love to have my home ready for someone to visit whenever, even though my home is kind of holy to me… But still, this is a challenge that my mind will thank me for.

PMA ❤

Freedom

received_10155286336918458.jpegHave you ever stood next to the oceans soaring powers, spread your arms wide and just screamed from the deepest pits of your power? Well… I did the last time this past weekend and that my friends is real freedom!

There’s something insanely powerful with letting yourself feel that vulnerable as when you open your mouth and take a deep breath before letting it all out. We should do that more I am sure of that, but that doesn’t really come to mind these days, even though we have more to scream out than ever before. At least I had. It doesn’t have to be a bad feeling that or anxiety you scream out, it can be out of pure happiness! Just let yourself free from all that you’ve hold in and feel the deep rooted freedom sinking in.

But what is freedom, to you? How you manifest it in your life, or do you?

I believe that we need to go through a lot to be able to learn what freedom means to us, or at least we need to be able to stop for a bit to appreciate who we are. Stopping for a breather isn’t the cool thing these days, or let’s put that in another way, it’s way too cool to a level that you need to tell everyone you are stopping, then take a photo of that and share your stopping to everyone, to let them know you are amazing at it… Might sound harsh but it feels like it’s the truth these days.

There’s songs about walking to the beat of your drum, amazing songs I might add. But what does that mean and how do you in reality do that. Are we really free to be us in a way we truly want to be or are we deep down scared of the realness of our wishes and hopes. And yes, I am noticing I’m questioning myself a lot after my Grandpa passed away. But that’s only a good thing, it makes me push myself out of my content numb comfort zones. A bit uncomfortable at times, let me be honest. But needed and who I really am, always questioning the “norm”.

I think freedom is to walk away, it’s the power to say what you will keep carrying and what not. Freedom is the notion that you are allowed to change as many times you need. Freedom to be free from struggle that you weren’t supposed to carry in the first place, or were you? Maybe that was your way to freedom. All those steps before you set yourself free from the struggle that you needed to go through to be strong enough to know what you deserve and what not. Freedom is to stop hating yourself for what you’re not and loving what you are. The more you question, the more you level up in the game of lessons learned.

Never forget that it’s not mandatory to stay still and just accept what’s going on around you if it doesn’t make you comfortable. You are allowed, and yes I’m writing this again as it’s that important, you are allowed to change as many times you feel you need or want!

Love yourself enough to let yourself free from the chains you’ve built around you.

PMA ❤

Changes

received_10155252971233458.jpegWhen was the last time you looked yourself in the mirror and realized that you are exactly who you’ve wanted to be. You feel free, free’r than you’ve felt in ages. You feel you, comfortable in your own skin, in your style, in your mind, all.

When was the last time you felt You, the you you know you are inside of you, under all those layers that life has put on you?

Or what has to happen for you to crack those layers off from your back and be free and truly you? When will you stop compromising to suit the You that others have “designed” for you?

I lost my closest and dearest person a month ago, exactly a month ago. My Grandpa passed away, he was ready to leave, left in a way he had wanted. The last time we spoke our phonecall ended in “I love you, I love you too!”. Just like our phonecalls before that on weekly basis. For the past month I’ve tried to understand all these feelings his passing started in me. How I had to loose someone so damn dear to me to shook myself out of this state of numbness that I had been for quite some time.

If there’s one whose always been truthfully and with no hesitation them, it’s been my Grandpa. He was fearless, not in reality as we all have things we fear, but he wasn’t afraid of life. He wasn’t afraid of death, we spoke about it a lot this past year. Honestly, jokingly, deeply. It made me forget my fear of loosing him. I was able to accept it all, not understand but accept.

This piece is not about him, as he’s something I don’t feel the need to share more than I have. This is about changing and letting yourself be You. The You I’ve been hiding and fearing. This is about change. Change that you know is the best kind of right, the kind that you know in the deepest of your stomach that you need and have to do. I haven’t listened to my gut in a long ass time, and I’ve suffered from that dumbness!

We all know that changing our lives is hard, changing the ways we are and live is hard. Leaving people and situations behind is hard. Making decisions that will change the course of your journey is hard. I’ve done all of those quite a few times in my life, but not in any way like this year and probably the future ones too.

The funny thing is that sometimes the change can start from the smallest and most superficial thing. With me, it had been brewing in me for such a long time, me fighting against it with all I had. Being afraid of who I am and who I want to be, loosing days to fear. And if there’s one thing we never get back it’s time, don’t try to fool yourself. When we are younger we, I think, understand the concept of time, or the way it slips from our fingers way better than when we grow up and the world hardens our skin. We don’t fear what others might think of us or if something we wear is okay or not. At least I was like my Grandpa when I was small, I was that lone wolf like I am still with no worry in the world. I didn’t care if no one liked my new rubberboots that looked like frogs with eyes and all. I thought they were great and that was enough for me. I spent most of my time alone and I was completely happy. The feeling of loneliness came a lot later, when the surroundings, the people around me made notes that it would be great if I would have more friends. I had one and I was happy with that, too.

So why does all that happen? Why we forget that fearlessness and are all of sudden afraid of every damn thing?

I’ve found answers this past month I’ve been mostly alone, dealing with my grief but also with those things that have been pressing my peace for too long. My level of understanding them had reached all the levels there could be, I had nothing left but to know exactly what I need to do. I had to start making changes.

I had known few things, intuitively made the decisions already, for quite some time but the letting go part was the hardest to me. I felt like I’m loosing myself, when the reality was that I was afraid of the reality that would come when I let go and open that door that I should’ve knocked on long time ago. I still have no idea what’s behind it, but now I’m in peace with my fear that I actually don’t have anymore, but only the childlike curiosity to see. Today I admitted all of them out loud and made a plan while realizing them. I’ve missed that feeling so fucking much, that shows how deeply I’d lost myself.

My superficial thing, the product that kick started or more like pushed the ball to the right direction a direction I had build the past months, was a pair of Red Wings Moc Toes. A pair of work boots that I had been dreaming of for almost 6 years. And yes, I understand that you might think that what the fuck, but yes that’s my truth. My partners in my life crime to happiness. That’s the thing, sometimes you need a nudge in your style to be able to be your true self. A thing, a product, an object, that feels like home, like you’re complete.

Yeah, keep laughing if you want to but we all have something that makes us feel like that, don’t even try to fool yourselves like you’re better than me…

The Me I am and in the same way the You you are, is a complete puzzle of multiple pieces. From childhood to all those heartbreaks, to your style, your hair and smile. To the music you listen to, to books you read or movies you watch, even those “guilty pleasure” reality shows. But the hardest part is to be the You you really are without caring what the world around you think and just be. A lot of us say that we don’t care but we all know that that’s bullshit. We might be able to master the art of not giving a fuck by practicing for years, and let me tell you I’m reaping the benefits, I truly am. Though that also means that you need to admit all those not so nice parts of yourself to yourself. That’s the hardest part… Believe me, I’ve been there.

My change is powered by the crave for the happiness and free flying feeling I had, not even so long ago. My change is necessary for my tomorrow to be better than the numbness I’ve felt for most of this year. My change is Me. My life is mine.

MY LIFE IS MINE just like the amazing Tracee Ellis Ross said.

Stay tuned…

PMA ❤

No Matter What It Is, It’s How You React That Makes All The Difference

For years, too many years I’ve lived with my past on my shoulders, unable to let it go. Feeling like I’m supposed to carry it with me and feel a little shitty all the time, no matter what happened in my life. Feeling grateful for whatever and anyone who’ve helped in someway even if it’s been to their benefit and not mine truly, because I’ve done mistakes and made choices that affect my daily life still. But the thing is that the more I’ve worked on myself and with myself, the more I know myself and my boundaries. Which is obviously the goal for someone like me, to have boundaries and not let people walk all over me anymore. I’ve walked over myself quite a few times too, just to stop something that might have been good for me but I’ve just been too scared to see my full potential.

But I got tired of that, and looked at my life and where I am, and decided that no more. I am worthy of all the good just like anyone else. I don’t need to live in the past because that’s not going to take me anywhere. I don’t need to feel guilty of something that has happened years ago, if I know that I’m doing my best and right thing right know, then I’m on the right path. If I’m not doing anything to hurt others and being honest to them and myself, I’m going to the right direction. If I’m true to my boundaries, I’m going to be okay.

The truth is that I’m not been sharing my life like I’ve before, but that happens when life changes. Sometimes our experiences make us clamp up and we have no interest in sharing our hardships, because we need time to go through them ourselves. I’ve also taken on a role in my worklife that makes me think what I share in a completely different way. I need time to find that balance in it all. I’m finding my bearings in life while it’s been changing with a speed I didn’t know possible.

What I’ve found in myself is this strength and peace, I never knew was there. I’ve been able to take moments of turmoil in such a way of grace that I can only be immensely proud of myself. Those moments when I’ve wanted to go all out in the past, are now something I’m able to take on calmly, put to perspective with the big picture and move on. Taking things as they come, not worry about what could happen before I know the reality of that exact thing at the exact time I need to react to it.

It’s super easy to freak out, often. Blame others for things going on in your life. Be angry and use energy to things and people who don’t deserve it. But if we give that precious energy to issues and people that don’t deserve it, it’s out of our own time and reserves for those moments and issues that need it more. That’s what I’ve noticed I’ve gotten better without really trying and I’m extremely proud of myself for that. Because it makes my life a lot easier and peaceful, and myself stronger in the midst of it all.

We aren’t able to control our life in a way that nothing would ever happen or surprise us, it’s impossible. And even though I don’t, for a minute, enjoy some of the things I’ve gone through lately, I wouldn’t change the experiences. I’ve been able to work through very challenging situations, been able to stay in the moment and not get carried away like before. This all is a result of all the hard work I’ve done the past years.

But we all have the control to choose how we react to challenges and changes in our lives. That we have, fully. We are completely entitled to choose how people treat us, we decide where the boundaries lay. This is our life, not anyone elses. And if we stay true to ourselves, it shines through and makes our lives easier and calmer. It also shows others where we stand and what is okay to us and what not. When we respect ourselves, others see that and know how to respect us too. When we do good things to ourselves and others, others do them to us. It’s that simple.

I could’ve been worried about writing again, which I have been at times, but I decided that I’ll just try and see what comes from my mind and fingers. There’s been a lot of issues I’ve felt that I wanted to write about lately but it just hasn’t been the right moment, so I haven’t been writing, without feeling guilty about that. I’ve learned to cut some slack to myself, as the levels of stress have been so high the past six months that my body is reaping it all now. I haven’t been able to run due to an injure, while being a running coach, something that is at times really frustrating. But I have really good support around me, and I’ve learned to detour that possible frustration to being able to be in the moment and learn something new, rather than fall in the darkness. When I’ve gotten really heartbreaking news that at the moment I’m not able to do anything about, I’ve learned to think about what I’m grateful of and known that I need and should live my life no matter what. Laughter on those moments doesn’t mean that we forget what’s going on, but that we are able to appreciate what we have and know that the situation is out of our hands at that moment. When we are able to do something about it, then we have more energy and resources to do just that.

One of my biggest challenges has been to learn how to set boundaries, it’s not easy but I’m really proud of who I am now and how well I’ve done just that. Once you figure that all out, it really eases up your stress levels. Once you realise that you aren’t who you were in the past, but the You you are now, you’re able to live your life fully.

Find ways that work for you, but remember that setbacks don’t mean that you’re going backwards. They are part of this all, what we call life.

Maybe I’ll tell you more of what’s been going on at some point, but now I’ll just tell what I have now. Maybe I’ll write more often if that feels right, or maybe I’ll have a few months of a break but that’s okay too. This is me, now. The happiest I’ve ever been in my life, even with all the challenges.

PMA ❤