The Never Ending Sick Leave

wp-image-391466568jpg.jpgWhen you start to count how long you’ve already been on a sick leave and how it truly feels never ending… If something is a patience test, then this is, big ass time.

There’s no confirmed end to this yet, and that is starting to eat my spirit a bit, well honestly, I hate this to my core. My surgery was, 18th of May, and at the moment I feel like 2016 is going to be one hell of a yay for me. Obviously this post is me being filled with frustration and sadness and just anger that why a “simple” wrist operation turned a year of my life into what it is now.

When I got the news that my wrist is broken and needs a surgery last years Christmas week, I never ever thought that it will be this big of a life change. I understood that it is a simple operation that is a bit difficult to heal, or at least slower than others, but never did I think that it would be this. And then the wait to even get to the operation, those months from last weeks of last year to May, all that time when I had to reduce what I was doing at my work at the time, to people saying to me that don’t do that and don’t do this, to me feeling like I’m loosing a part of me, which I feel a lot at the moment too.

After the operation I thought that okay, this will take some time and then after those 6 weeks with a cast I’m pretty much good to go again and that my summer isn’t doomed and that I can start being “normal” again. That’s what I thought and believed and kept my spirits up with. But obviously it didn’t go like that.

The thing is, my recovery has gone as my surgeon wished it to go, but I just managed to break that one tiny bone that takes FOREVER to heal properly. It’s a bone that you can’t take risks with, or it needs a new operation. So I actually have to listen and believe my surgeon when she says that it needs a little more time, even when it is looking better all the time and like she wanted it to be.

But every time I hear that yeah, little more sick leave, just a little more, I seriously don’t see the good in that situation. I feel so shitty now, I just want to go back to being me, fully. Not this, some day I’m back me.

And the notion of how slow my body actually recovers from this all, is just tiring. You want to understand and you know the reality and the facts of why my running isn’t where it used to be, or why my body doesn’t respond as fast as it did last year to eating good and exercising, it’s a struggle to believe that those clothes that I love will fit me again, or that you look yourself in the mirror without feeling like yep, I would not mind looking a bit tighter. Some how it never even crossed my mind how massive of an impact one wrist operation could do to your whole body. It’s just a wrist, so why is it making my whole body react this massively. Yeah they had to take some bone of my hip but still?!

This year has been, once more, a test for me but not anything I was ever prepared for. It has been such a challenge mentally and physically that I even wish that it had been a knee or something like that. I have to battle my depression again, because this has been such a mental battle. And I hate that so much. I’ve lost my happy a bit and I’m tired of climbing back up, even though I know that I don’t want to sink either.

I’m afraid that loosing a year, will make my job opportunities shrink even more than they were before. I’m honestly afraid that I won’t find anything. Once this all is finally done. I’m afraid that I get stuck in this weird situation and just look how others around me move forward.

I’m tired and afraid of this all. I want to be able to be me, to be fully independent on my own and not have to worry about money ALL THE TIME, to feel like I have something to say and give, to feel needed.

I am trying to remind myself that there will be an end to this all, but right now it’s very damn hard.

This will get better, this will better, this will get better, I repeat in my mind, not sure if I even believe myself but I have to try.

 

I Thought I Lost You, But You Are There Still

Photo Jasmin Helmi

Photo Jasmin Helmi

Last week a friend of mine took some photos of me, I’ve asked her is she could as I needed some for my updated CV. I never thought that the images she took could make me feel the way they did. She was able to capture me, really me, the one I thought I lost during the past months.

For majority of this year I’ve felt a bit lost with myself. First because I was so adamant with my weird feeling of not wanting to stay in Finland, it felt like a prison sentence, I didn’t want to have anything solid here. I fought so hard against it all. And then with my wrist operation I think I grew tired of fighting, as I had to fight against so many other weird feelings that the operation had brought up.

The difference between this year and last is so big that sometimes I feel that they have to have more than one New Year between them. Last year was so much, it was planned and about jumping to whatever came to me, just taking whatever without thinking what it might mean in some time. I was just rushing and living, maybe too much, maybe not enough, but maybe I let myself actually live for the first time in really long time. I had been keeping myself back for so long that I just let loose and flew, not to the right direction by any means all the time, but I was still flying. And ended up my year with my wings almost cut off.

This year started with me looking in the mirror and realising things that I didn’t want to face, as I knew that they will rip all those scars that I had carefully tried to heal, open again to the core. And through this year I’ve looked myself in the mirror with that same look, quite a few times. Feeling lost and not sure what to do about it, feeling like I’m suffocating, feeling disappointed in myself, mind and body. I think that’s been the hardest to take, knowing that now I actually need to take a step back and that I can’t rush like last year. I need to heal, I need to give myself a break, I need to be patient in the many ways of that word. And it’s been very very hard. Depression has crept it’s ugly head at times, but there’s been still something that has kept me without sinking completely.

Photo Jasmin Helmi

Photo Jasmin Helmi

When I saw the photos my friend took last week tonight, I looked at myself in a different way, in new and more positive eyes. I’ve looked myself in the mirror end of this summer with new eyes few times, with a gentle and loving way, saying to myself that “you are beautiful and enough”. And smiled to what that notion has done to my face, it soften and glowing in a way I thought I lost already completely.

And today when I looked at my own face from those photos, I felt so beautiful.

It’s been such a long time I’ve felt like that. Since my operation it’s been so hard to accept the changes on my body, when I can’t be as active as I’ve been. The weight gain and lost of muscle and the cellulite, the evil cellulite that makes you feel so unwomanly for some reason. I looked photos from last summer when I felt so much like I’m in my own skin for the first time, and then this summer I looked at my body in a mirror and it was so far from what it was so little time ago. I tried to say to myself that you’ll get it back soon, but what I just wanted to do deep down was to eat more and make myself feel even worse. Which obviously doesn’t make any sense, but I was at the start again with my body, after all that insanely hard work I’d done for the past 3 something years. I had worked and worked for a body I had always dreamed of, and now it was gone.

It has been such a long summer, and not in a easy breezy nice way. I’ve looked and read and been on the sidelines as others have been living this summer like I wanted to live it. I’ve had to accept the very slow process of healing from two operations at once. Having very good things happening too, like having my own home and not feeling like I want to go again, but not being able to really be happy about all of it. It’s taken me all the way to August to slowly finding me again. 2016 hasn’t been my favorite, at least yet, I might change my mind later about that.

But something changed when I saw myself in those photos. I wasn’t sad anymore. I didn’t looked like there’s pain and frustration behind my eyes. I looked like I am happy again, slow and steady getting my real happy back.

I’m not expecting anything drastic of myself now. I want to show myself that I can again, just like I did little over 3 years ago, when this whole journey started. I’m in a new beginning. But I have great people to make this start easier and filled with deep rooted laughs and tears and honesty.

Let’s do this, once again.

PMA❤

Photo Jasmin Helmi

Photo Jasmin Helmi

 

Super Sensitive Skin Savers : Esse Sensitive

Apologies for the almost empty bottles photo, my beauty blogger ways aren't the best ;).

Apologies for the almost empty bottles photo, my beauty blogger ways aren’t the best😉.

And once again I felt helpless when I looked myself in the mirror. My skin was like sandpaper and oil field at the same time and nothing seemed to help. It was like if I even touched it, it just broke to pieces or a massive pimple came to that very spot. All this happened and was my “normal” this past Spring when I had to start my epilepsy medication again after years of being in good enough condition to live without them.

And with my skin, I mean mostly my face and neck. I had dryness in others areas of my body but nothing crazy that I wouldn’t have always at winter time.

The thing is that I’ve been using natural, organic skincare for few years already but nothing, even the other Esse products helped. I tried so many different things and even had to use cortison creme on the worst spots to ease the irritation, which is my last resort as it’s not good for your skin on the long run.

I contacted Minna Oey from The Natural Goods Company for help, and to my massive happiness she had answers to my helpless quest. Esse had just released their new range for super sensitive skin and I got to try it out. I was very hopeful!

The thing with my skin is that it can be really good for weeks and then without no reason breakout really badly to a rash or other irritation and nothing seems to help. I try to have balanced veggie based diet and drink enough water and eat good oil to balance it, but sometimes it’s just mayhem and nothing seems to help. But now it had been longer than just a little bit, the medication had completely messed my whole body, in and out and I didn’t know what to do.

The sensitive range has three products that you use, nothing else and the important thing is to only use them and not mix anything else there to confuse the skin anymore.

Esse is a special skincare company as it uses probiotics in their products. We humans have been using probiotics in foods for long time now to help our insides but to use them on us, to benefit our skin is rather new discovery. We have microbes living in and out of us, traditional skincare these days tends to wash them all out and your skin is always a bit confused as what to do as there’s nothing real to do what it needs to do. If we try to delete all the microbes in our lives, our wellbeing will suffer as we need them to keep us balanced. Esse uses prebiotics to feed the good microbes and with probiotics helps change the skins microbial balance to help it be more balanced. And this is exactly what the Sensitive range is doing. As your sensitive skin is reactive to whatever, it needs a little boost to a better direction to be able to take what the world has these days.

My new routine was pretty simple but as I noticed would take some time to get my skin to used to.

First I needed to use Sensitive Cleanser to wash my face. It’s nice milk like cleanser with very subtle scent. It cleanses make up very well and really leaves your skin feeling clean but not like everything has been stripped away, something I felt with a lot of different cleansers before even the milky ones. The thing was not to leave it too long on your skin, just to massage it gently and wash away. And then leave the skin a bit moist, not dry all the moisture away. Even best if not at all.

Second step was to add in the beginning, as to get my skin more balanced,  a drop of Sensitive Serum to my still moist skin. This magic potion of a serum is truly a miracle worker, it’s filled with more than one billion live Lactobacillus microbes per millilitre. They activate as soon as they come in contact with water and skin, hence the moist skin. Also you need less of the serum to apply when the skin is moist. First I used this both morning and night to ease the irritation, but with time only at night. The scent on this is really nice, somehow warm but not too strong in any way. And even with that tiny bottle, it lasts very long.

Third step was the moisturiser, in my case and as my skin was so dry and sensitive but still oily and kind of mixed, Hydro Moisturiser. It’s a moisturiser that finalizes the routine and really works. And you need the smallest amount of it to cover your whole face and neck. A thing I absolutely love with all the Esse products I’ve ever tried. This moisturiser is best to add to a little moist skin, as it blends better and you need less. It uses prebiotics and probiotics extracts in very sensitive formula to balance and favor the microbes on the skin. Again, the scent of this products is really nice, nothing extra, obviously as it’s a sensitive range all the products are really thought through to fit the irritated reactive skin.

My first try was that Hello, my skin is in heaven. But after couple of weeks, my skin started drying up a lot, like it was shedding some old skin that needed to make room for the new healthier one. I also forgot at times to not dry my skin after I washed it and that was part of the situation. It’s so in us to really rub our faces after we wash them. But after those first weeks, I could really start feeling the change for the better in my skin. It looked more balanced, less breakouts and dryness, also more even color of the skin. I’ve used those products ever since and they have really been the saving ones for my skin. Balancing it to a level that I never thought could be possible, life savers! And even when I was travelling, and usually my skin reacts to different waters really easily, nothing. Again, life savers! Last but not least, I had a wrist operation start of the summer and had to use pretty heavy drugs in the beginning and they really dried my skin but still I felt that it was more balanced with these products than what it would’ve been without. And now, after a very long time, they are done and the bottles are empty, so you really need very little to get the benefits. All in all, the best products that I’ve ever used on my skin. Nothing bad to say, only LOVE!

In Finland you can find these from The Natural Goods webstore or check Esse website for your own country.

I highly recommend these and wish that others find them works as well as they did for me.❤

50 / 50 Life

I feel like I’ve been living a 50/50 life. Seeing good in things but doubting them in the end. Loving myself but still putting myself down. Giving myself a break to breath but then feeling guilty of that all.

Having too much time to be only with yourself is not always the best possible situation. At least if you’re like me, really able to go deep in your thoughts and spiral with them. My mind plays tricks on me as soon as it can when all I want and need is a break from all of that.

The last two months or actually more than that, I’ve been without a daily rhythm after my wrist operation, and I still have little over a month to go. I had big plans for this summer, but things changed when I got what I wished for long, the operation to fix my broken wrist. So there’s that 50/50 again, having something you really wanted but having to let go of plans that you had bubbling in your head for so long. My social summer changed to a boring day by day challenge of accepting my healing body.

One of the main goals for me the last year or so has been to be more social. My super introverted self has wanted to be alone and have my own space for way longer than that. There’s that 50/50 again. The annoying truth is that I’m extremely shy but able to be very social when with people, I use that skill as a shield. But I don’t know how to have a balance, I tend to go from one end to another. Doing so much at once that I’m exhausted for days afterwards, and then feeling like I’m missing out and feeling lonely. Loving the fact that I have friends these days who contact me, something I wanted for so long, but feeling overwhelmed and tired of receiving all that attention. There’s that 50/50 again.

Now that I have my own place again, one of my biggest “fears” was that it’s so easy for me to be only on my own that what if I start doing that too much again. There’s part of me that will probably always do that. To rather say No to things people invite me than Yes, even if I will regret it later on. But I would love to find the courage in me to say Yes more. To be more with people and show myself that it’s possible to be less 50/50. So I’m asking my friends if we could see. I even started a running group, though not realising before now that that’s quite social thing from me to do…

Through that group I’ve met new people, pretty much every week, having to be social even if I’m scared of that one on one contact. I’ve always been better with groups than one on one, when the person is new to me. I have to put myself in front of those people and show them how to warm up and lead the runs. And to be honest I’ve been absolutely terrified of it all, but every Wednesday I do it and feel great after wards. Maybe without realising I did myself a huge favor with starting something that in the end scares me the most.

Today when I was running I was thinking that why does it always have to be so black and white, so 50/50. Why I love my deep blue eyes and my face and how it’s certain in it’s shape, and then feel so insecure and even disgusted on those worst days of certain parts of my body. Why a year ago I was in the best shape of my life and ran and ran and was so happy, and now I’m struggling with my body image and my weight and feeling confused and uncertain of this all. Why is it so hard to keep a rhythm of doing things. When I stopped moving regularly, I stopped writing regularly, and both of those mind and body activities became very hard to keep or start again. Now, the more I run the more I feel I want to write. And naturally the better I feel.

I’m not there yet, I’m on my 50/50 road to learning how to balance this all again. Learning to love myself once more.

Slow and steady. Even when it sucks.

PMA❤

Changes, Changes…

wp-1468266718517.jpgChanges, changes… This summer has been basically only about that for me. So much in such a short amount of time, like always it seems. Makes me smile because every time I write those words I remember that it’s been almost like a theme of my whole life. While I feel that I’m stuck, so much tends to happen without me realizing, though this time it has been so obvious that it’s been very hard to miss.

So my wrist and hip are recovering well from the operation and in couple of days I know what the situation is under the skin, as I have an x-ray and appointment with my surgeon, fingers crossed for good news and cast free life!

But the biggest change that happened just a little while ago is that I HAVE A HOME!! Just when I was almost given up on my faith of actually finding a home and being in a situation where I’ve wanted to be such a looooong time, it happened, it is a reality now. I am typing this post in my home, my place where I can breathe and be me, fully. I feel like I still haven’t truly understood this all, I’ve lived here now for a week and even though this instantly felt like I’m in the right place, it’s like a dream of sorts. But slow and steady I’m getting there. In a way it’s not a surprise that it’s taking some time, as it’s been over 5 years, almost 6 that I’ve dreamed of an own home, a place that has my name on the door. And now I do!🙂wp-image-1332324395jpg.jpg

It has felt so damn good to just be, without doing anything, or just reading a book or watch a movie or cook in an really nice kitchen. I love this home of mine in the countryside!

Last Wednesday it was the first month anniversary of Karma Runners, a run crew I started here in Helsinki. And it’s been so amazing to see how people have taken it and came back for the runs and just I feel so grateful to have the support I have from my friends and especially Pihasali Joogastudio and Hello Darling Eatery, as they are our crews supporting companys. Thank you❤ Also, go give us a follow on Instagram @karmarunners to keep posted and come for a run!!

It’s been long damn time since I wrote the last time, but honestly I’ve had to take that time for myself. Sometimes little break is exactly what you need. I promise to be more active from now on, as I’ve actually missed writing and want to keep this thing alive.

I feel like I don’t even have all the words to explain all of this, but in a month has happened so much that I feel all confused, in the best possible way.

One step at a time, on wards.

BREATHE. BE BRAVE. LOVE. PMA.❤

So many changes needed a change of looks too! Here's my beautiful hairdresser Annika Tukiainen at her salon Beauty By Valo

So many changes needed a change of looks too! Here’s my beautiful hairdresser Annika Tukiainen at her salon Beauty By Valo