Fear

I’ve always been afraid, irrationally afraid of life I guess. While at the same time wanting to live way more than I was able to do. I’ve done things while being so afraid that I thought my heart would jump out of my chest, and sabotaged my own success so many times because of fear. I’ve done it all, from one end to another. I’ve gotten tired of being afraid too many times to count, but not done something about it more times than the first.

I remember when I was a kid, I had a pretty wild imagination, still have but you know… adulthood and stuff. But anyways, I remember this one time when I was out cruising with my bike and I biked through this big parking lot really close where we lived, and I saw a parked bus. My first and only thought was that how would it feel to ride to it, yes ride my bike full speed to a parked bus. And I actually did it, I tried the one thing that popped into my head. Not the smartest, definitely but back then I had this “fuck it” mindset and I just did things even though I was afraid.

I’ve moulded and changed myself through the years through different levels of fear. I’ve done harm to myself and my loved ones when trying to be someone else I really was. Done harm in way that I still have to carry with me, though I did face my biggest adulthood fear last week. But more about that later. The thing is, my fear for living my life fully has made me depressed more than I should’ve been. It’s made me do decisions that I still feel ashamed of, because I’ve mostly betrayed the trust others had for me. And while it was my massive insecurity that made me do those things, I hate the fact that I needed to do all of those things and go through all I did to be right here, right now.

This summer, this past summer I’ve been mostly working and kind of hiding behind that in all ways I could. I’ve been stuck with myself the whole time and knowing what I probably should do, but done nothing about it. I’ve actually gained around 10kg this summer, and it’s a lot to carry. Not only physically but mentally too. In the end it’s fear that I’m hiding behind while thinking that I’m pushing on, which I am. But not in a way I really, honestly should.

The truth is that after 3 years of being single or alone or however you want to call it, I’m terrified of even the idea of falling in love again. Holy shit that is scary idea, to let someone in your life, fuck. So what I’ve been doing is talked with people that I enjoy being alone and don’t feel like I need anyone in my life, which isn’t the whole truth. Especially because I had this “moment” this summer when I met this one remarkable person, you know those ones that make you think “holy shit, that’s my person”… Yeah, I’m one of those romantics who just thinks like that. No can do. But seriously, that moment made me realise that I do want that in my life again. But it’s easier for me to keep those things far because then I don’t have to get hurt, which I have been on a level that still makes me do certain kind of faces while I type this.

I remember when I was around 18, and there was this guy at school I thought was interesting. I didn’t know him, we didn’t have any mutual classes or anything, but I found him interesting and thought that I should just take a risk. So one day as I was walking to school and he away, I stopped him and and bluntly asked him out. And he said yes, we went, it wasn’t anything special. But the point is that I did it. I’ve lost that part of myself in many ways the past years.

I’ve done things I’m scared shitless, like moved to a country I’ve never really been with no plan whatsoever, just jumped to unknown and tried to figure things out there and then. Not succeeding, actually at all, sorry to my friends in those places and mostly thank you, but I still did it. The last time I moved back home to Finland, now around 3 years ago, I was broken mentally in a way that took me almost 6 months to really understand and physically in a way that it took about the same amount of time to get to a doctor to know my wrist was really broken. And the combination of those two been crumbling me in a way I haven’t even noticed, until now.

Back in the day I might have been afraid to the core, but I tried anyways, with that fuck it attitude of what might happen in the end. I’m not sure if it’s the fact that I’ve lost 3 really close people in super short amount of time, or the fact that I feel like I have no control over what is happening in my body, or sometimes in my head either that makes me stop and not even try. Why my insecurities are on a all time high lately. Why I doubt myself in things I know in my core that I’m good at. Why I rather all of sudden give up than try at all? And all of this while actually having my life in better place than ever before…

I need to find my peace again. I need to slow down and shut up. I need to look myself, straight in my eyes and be proud of who I am, because I have no reason to be this afraid of who I am. Half of me is so damn ready to burst out of these seams I’ve sewed around myself and the other half is just confused by this all. I have moments when I stand proud infront of someone and there’s no doubt in me and then I lose that side all of sudden and feel like I’m almost looking myself like a fly from the ceiling. Sluggishly and numb just going from one day to another without living, just surviving.

I don’t even know if I know how to love again. If I have that in me, or I guess I do, my tools around it are just kind of dusty from the scars I still carry. For myself, and others.

Tonight I walked in the pouring rain home from a concert. The theme of the concert was fear, but in a way that we should celebrate it, embrace it. And I noticed myself smiling in the rain while walking, after a long long time. There’s been few moments this past summer with that kind of effortless smile, but the core of me have not smiled in a long ass time. I finally remembered how it feels. The rain almost felt like it was washing away all that baggage I’ve been carrying the past months. Like I said, I’m a romantic and forever will be. But my lust for life is finding it’s way back. Part of this is depression and how it works, part of this is the weird grown up confusion about being or supposedly being an adult. You know one of those who looks to their friends who get married and have kids, with this weird feeling of “I am nowhere close to those things and why I don’t feel that kind of adult at all?”.

The point is that life is weird as hell, but with fear or not, all we can do is try to live it as hard and fully as we can. I have to remember that my way is as good as anyone else’s, I just need to find my way again. I already have found the right tracks, now it’s time to move forward on them. Say yes to things I’m afraid, and no to things that just don’t feel right. It’s actually super simple. And walk in the rain, always walk in the rain.

PMA ❤

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It’s okay to feel just the way you feel

DSC04815.jpgThere’s this bubble in me that I feel I want to write out, but it feels stuck. Like I don’t find the words for it. I know what it is and why I want to write it but for some reason it feels hard as hell. It’s about saying how I really feel about things in a world where we are almost programmed to doubt ourselves in every possible turn.

Couple of weeks back I had an appointment with my therapist after almost a year. I felt that I needed a tune up time. I didn’t know if I was feeling messed up from the grief of loosing Grandpa still, or a crush that haunted me back then with no reason, or did my depression just try to creep back. Or was it a weird combination of all the good and bad that had happened in such a short amount of time.

Around the same time I said my final goodbyes to Grandpa, I started the best phase of my life so far. I found a place to work I truly feel I belong. And we all know how important it is to actually enjoy our work because it does take a majority of our days. But this is not about my work. But do find yourself one of those ones you absolutely love. Just do.

One big thing I wanted to start, or that’s what I thought, processing with my therapist was my own relationship with my romantic relationships. I’ve not been the luckiest or the best when it comes to those. I have done my mistakes and been the one done wrong to. It always goes both ways when there’s two in that kitchen.

It’s probably around 3 years since my last relationship, the one that left me in such a raw open wound state that I wanted to take the time to take care of myself, especially after realising how much it all had affected me. Now those years later I’m very slowly feeling like I could maybe let someone in a bit. I could be open to having someone in my life. Or so I thought…

Funny thing about talking about it all to your therapist who’s been in your life for few years is that she really knows your ins and outs. She able to challenge you and call out you on your own bullshit. I thought I know what was bothering me, and in the end that was the last on the list. Not the first time that has happened. My curse and a blessing has always been the fact that I know and want to know myself pretty darn well. I’ve never been afraid to go down and dirty with my feels. But with all of that I’ve always been super sensitive to the pressure that comes from outside, until the past year. My tolerance for pure shit has just ended. I will call you out if you treat me like shit, and will cut you out if you keep doing that to me. Simple as that. Obviously there’s always people in our lives who we aren’t able to just cut because they are in a way casualty through others, I know how bad that sounds but don’t know how to explain it in another way. You get my point.

So, I went to see her feeling all messed up, and came out with the clearest mind there can be. That messed up feeling had been mostly about the pressure of people who aren’t capable of taking me the way I am. Hi from the highly sensitive side of me… God there are times I wish I wouldn’t need to be like that, but then again how cool it is to be like this!

I thought that I am ready for something, which I’m truly not. The thing is that if I would be a guy no one would even think of saying things like “but your clock is ticking, I’m sure” or “I think you just need a man in your life”… There’s something really unnerving with the thought of a woman being completely happy with her life the way it is in this age. I’ve worked so damn hard to be where I am right now, that I am just enjoying it all without the need of something else. My priorities are weird as hell to most, but could I care less, not really. Motorcycle licence and that bike are pretty damn high on that list. Just sayin’.

And to be clear this all does not mean that I’m in some “I’m against men” phase, nope. I’m in that “I’m open if someone walks in my life” phase. But even if someone walks in it, that doesn’t mean that I have to jump to something straight away. I am willing to see with time if something comes, without the hurry to know it straight away.

I was reminded by how something super simple can feel the best, and how we don’t always need to do something. That I’m grateful. I love connections and breaking those age old barriers in me, that life has build around the true me I am. I yearn to feel a different kind of connection than just a lust or physical one. That’s just too easy. Anyone can do that, but talk to me and challenge me, that’s the stuff I need. And then show me what else you got.

I’m also in a phase in my life where I’m able to watch myself in the mirror and smile that smile you do when you have a crush on someone, but I just happen to have that on myself. I’ve worked so hard and never thought something like this could happen. But damn, I’ve never felt so comfortable with myself and my life. This shit is the best I know. Doubting my truth is pretty low these days, which feels amazing. Being me in and out, and finding who I am and being proud of that is something I’ve moved towards for so long. Now I’m reaping the benefits with the biggest smile on my face.

We are almost programmed to not be happy with what we have or who we are, that being unhappy is a normal state to many. I have no interest in that. I have been that enough in my life. Being content is not a bad thing to be. It doesn’t mean that you stop moving forward and wanting more, no, it means that you’re able to appreciate where you are after all you’ve been through. Let that push you and make you question what you want in a positive way.

I have no idea what will come in the next year, only that I will make that motorcycle dream come true, and those couple secret projects I have been cooking. And if in that year someone great walks in my life, I’m more than happy to see what that brings, or maybe they have already walked in. Let’s see.

PMA ❤

 

Alone Isn’t Lonely Or?

received_10155286336068458.jpegAlone isn’t lonely or is it? There’s different kinds of lonely feelings or states of feeling lonely. Not everyone of them automatically mean that we want or need someone in our lives, like I feel that a lot of people assume when saying that I feel lonely.

Being and able of being alone isn’t a bad thing in any way. It’s necessary, without being able to be on your own and with yourself makes it really hard for you to be able to be with someone else. In a romantic relationship that is.

Though it is necessary to be able to be with your own self in peace, in general. To be able to take life without needing someone by your side is super important, at least to me. That doesn’t mean that we need to be alone all our lives, it doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t need anyone in our lives, no. It means that we need to be able to be at peace without someone next to us all the time.

I’ve never been good at having a lot of people in my life. Never had loads of close friends. In general I suck at letting people close, or I suck at it in a way that even though I’ve been hurt and back stabbed multiple times, I let people too close and then end up regretting trusting them. So after quite a few, million, tries I’ve become fairly cautious with people. So usually when I let someone close and actually get a good feeling these days, I let them know, which can scare some and I understand that. I’m at times maybe too intensive of a person. Or my weird in tune with myself being can feel a bit too much to some. I don’t know what it is, but I’ve never been the one who is asked out to spend time that much. I tend to spend shit tons of time alone. Most of the time I’m okay with it, but lately I’ve really missed having more social time in my life. After that gazillioned Saturday night alone at home you just feel like there has to be more to this…

I think my feelings towards loneliness and feeling alone have changed over the years, the more I know myself the easier it is to be with myself. My deep introversion loves the easiness and peace of not having too much happening, but that tiny extrovert side in me yearns it from time to time, and lately I’ve yearned it a lot. I think I’m also a person that people think have a lot of stuff going on in my life all the time and don’t think I feel lonely, but oh how wrong you can be…

After losing two dear and close people in such a short amount of time, or actually three, you don’t even realise how to mourn the loss, it’s not something that is in some how to book and then boom, sorted! I think it’s slowly hitting home, the actual pain and empty feeling about it all.

I’ve been having these almost calling moments to my Grandpa lately, in the past week I’ve almost called him I guess 3 to 5 times. In the last minute I realise that there’s no answer if I do that. I miss him like crazy, I miss hearing his voice and telling him about all the things in my life at the moment. I know how insanely happy he would be to hear about my jobs. I just would love to talk with him about this thing we call life, I miss those times so much it hurts. And here I am writing and really realising that all while tears stream down. That’s how much it all is.

So this loneliness I’m feeling has nothing to do with wanting to have a boyfriend in my life, I know it’s the easy solution that too many think would solve something. I don’t even remember or know how to miss something like that. I don’t have moments too often when I hope that someone would sleep next to me and hold me, yes sometimes, but surprisingly rarely. It’s just not that time now. It’s time to heal myself first, then I think something might happen.

In fact it annoys me quite a bit how many people think because I’m this age, I am probably in a relationship or want one in a desperate way or something as ridiculously similar. That shit won’t make you happy if you’re not ready to really be in one. We all know too many unhappy relationships and not too many really happy ones…

It’s also all too normal these days to be in a situation in your life where you feel completely alone while being surrounded by others or in a relationship. Alone while not physically alone. Because I’ve had those experiences I’ve wanted to rather be alone than in a unhappy relationship or with a group of people I just get nothing from or who aren’t all that interested in me in any real way. So I knew the “risks” in my choices…

Being content and mostly happy on my own is a mystery to many, that’s okay to me. And I know it’s not cool to admit that you feel lonely as hell at times, and just stare at the wall or want to take naps for 3hours. And no that doesn’t automatically mean that my depression is back in full swing, I know the difference all too well, thank you. I just miss my favorite person like fucking crazy and that is making me feel extremely lonely at times, and it’s also reminding me of how little I have those real close people in my life. And I wish that I would have few more, just to have more to do on those weekend nights, which in a way makes me smile now that I write this. Because majority of my friends are in a relationship which means that they are with their significant others usually on those nights. And my wish to spend time doesn’t mean going out, it means spending time together.

While being most of the time extremely happy with my life these days, I absolutely hate these moments of loneliness. Because all I want is to be hugged by someone for a real long time and be able to feel that I’m not as alone as I feel right at this moment. In general I wish I would be hugged way more. I rarely say No to a hug, very rarely. Especially to bear hugs, those are the best ones.

More hugs, more honesty about how we really feel, more love in general. Always more love.

PMA ❤

Have You Ever Wondered Why You Dream Of What You Dream Of?

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Have you ever wondered why you dream of what you dream of. Or if all of your dreams have something in common? Or have you basically dreamed about the same thing since you were little?

I’ve been thinking a lot of those lately. I love that I was questioned, for a reason, why I would need a motorcycle licence, when I don’t even have a regular licence. Yes, I would drive that too. But why would I feel that I need it? I do live at the moment, and probably some time now, in Finland. We don’t really have the longest season when it comes to driving a motorcycle… But still. That same dream has been in me for such a long time.

And now I’ve been questioning why I haven’t done anything about it before, or have I made the dream come true in smaller ways. Kind of preparing myself for this one, the one that really means the most… or is it just the same dream in different ways.

I’ve never done the conventional things in my life, well I’ve tried but those moments in time have only proven to be the wrong choices for me. So I’ve struggled to do the things that I find the best for me aka the unconventional. I’ve lived my life in ways that have made my loved ones feel uneasy to say the least. But I’ve also been afraid to live the life I really wanted because of the fear of what others would say or if I might upset someone who I love. I’ve left so many things undone because of those exact reasons. So many. And coming back to what has been going on in my life the past year, has really made me think that not anymore. This is the only life I have, so if not now when?

I have been thinking of the dreams I’ve had in my life and if I’ve made some of them come true. Because there was a moment too in this thought process when I thought that I don’t know how to dream at all… was fast proven wrong by myself.

All of my dreams have one thing in common: my yearn for certain kind of freedom and the feeling of flying. I’ve always had those, as long as I remember. I had a reoccurring dream when I was a kid, where I was driving a flying car. Makes me smile to think about that but I still remember it like I’ve just seen it. For such a long time I thought that if I would have a drivers licence I would be free, there was that same yearning as with when I learned how to drive a bike. Or the way I love to walk aimlessly for hours. I’ve been like this forever. Maybe I’m just restless, maybe I’m forever seeking my happy place, not sure what it is, but it’s deep in me and has been since I remember. I guess it’s part of the reason why I love to read so much, to get lost in different stories and always learn something new.

I realised that the dreams I’ve made true all had one thing in common, to find a way to feel free and fly in some way. My time as a bike messenger, or my time as a long distance runner, to move from unknown country to another without a plan. All things I decided I would do because I knew that I have to so that I can do something else, to move on from what I’ve been before, to become braver for the next step that I didn’t know before I had done those.

There’s this weird sense of calm in me these days, I just know that I’m on the right path. Every time I let someone else question my calm, my mind gets all stormy and confused, but when I listen to my gut and walk on my own, I am calm and know my right from what others feel to be best for me.

I do understand the reasoning for many things I’ve been questioned lately. They’ve been valid reasons and questions, but in the end I can only walk my own way. Even when no one understands my reasons. But then again, I don’t feel the need to talk about any of them these days either. My old way of doing that feels wrong these days, and if I’ve done it I just feel more confused and like I’ve disappointed myself in some way. Like I’m not able to trust myself in what I feel right. I guess old ways die hard.

One way or another I’ve always been a risk taker, I’ve just had times in my life where I’ve been lost and done what I thought others wanted me to do. And in this social media driven world of ours it’s easy to feel and get lost of our own path. We see just a piece of someone but still think that we know them well. And forget how much more there is behind those photos or updates. How often we really want to share our deepest dreams or wishes? If we share them, they are open for all kinds of shit. How much are we willing to take that from complete strangers or the people we love the most? In general people don’t want to try to understand, they rather judge, so it’s easier to hide our real selves. And that also makes it hard to believe in them for us, even when we know them to be the right for us. And it also looks to outside like we would just change our whole being in an instant because they don’t see the evolution behind it all.

So why do I want to have a motorcycle licence and obviously a bike to drive to the sunset? It all comes down to my yearning for the freedom. There’s something very real and rough in being out in the open. And I only remember that feeling from my messenger days, or more like the nights when I was driving back home from somewhere. Feeling everything on your skin and being weirdly part of all around you is a magical feeling. The need to be aware of it all, has a sense of making you feel extremely small, in the same way as when you stand on top of some amazing massive mountain and feeling like if the wind would want to it could just blow you away with no effort. Anything that humbles us and makes us feel small, is something to go towards to.

Thinking all of these, made me also realise that I’ve made all my dreams come true which is a crazy moment. Too often we think that none of our dreams really ever come true, but think again, not all of your dreams are those massive life changing ones. We make dreams come true almost on a daily basis. We just remember the big ones better.

None of my dreams are impossible, none of them. Majority of people will never understand them, and thank goodness for that. They would feel too ordinary if they did, and I would not even think of them probably. Reach for the stars and all that.

Things have a way of working out, so does dreams. That’s it. Make a plan, and not just dream. And then you’ll see it becoming reality. I’m living one of mine right about now, the best ones are the ones you realise afterwards being your reality.

Be you. Do you.

PMA ❤

You Win Some, You Lose Some

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If you do a proper U-turn in your life for the better, like I have done you get a moment when you realize that You win some, You lose some… Your past isn’t gone, it’s still there, reminding you of who you are and been. Your present and future are just a clean slate, just like you wanted.

Just when I said my last goodbyes to my Grandpa, I started a completely new chapter in my life that has changed it for the better in so many ways. But it’s also reminded me of my weaknesses and how much I tend to care too much. All the new makes it really easy to hide from the pain I still carry, the moments when I only think how much I miss him. Or how tired I am wholeheartedly. And how I really don’t miss majority of last year.

When you are in your new, free of your past, life and people it feels easy for a while until the “normality” of it all comes your daily life again. The thing is, I’m so used to struggling that I don’t even realize when my life is easy and should just let that be, because after all I really deserve just that. But your reality, as in who you are and have been before this, hasn’t gone anywhere. As long as you have stuff to sort out, it will be there. And I still do.

There’s also this funny fear when you are free from your past, at least for a bit. What if I’m not good enough for who I am the way I am. There’s loads of people who have never read any words here and have no idea of what I’ve gone through to be who I am now. I don’t really care about that most of the time, but then there are moments when I wish that my “reality” would be in a way out there, so that if I feel certain way they would just understand and I wouldn’t feel like I need to hide it all. And yes, I know how dramatic that sounds… But it can feel easier to be a little harder than you really are when in front of new people.

I’ve opened my heart in a way, once again, that only I can do. Possible managed to get it hurt while living it up. But that’s the part that makes me appreciate my damn self once again, it shows me with all it’s pain that I still have it in me. To open my heart after all I’ve been through. But there it is, believing in that goodgood while understanding how impossible it all might be. I guess in all the frustration of it all, I don’t even mind. Fuck, I rather have this than nothing at all. Forever believing in good and love.

So from very cryptic to some sense… The thing is that I have had my depressive days again lately, anxiety on high, and they have reminded me of who I am, before all this new. They are part of me, the things that make me this strong, whether I want it or not. But they also remind me of how much I need my ways of handling them. Those things that once kept me alive from drowning depression. I need to run again, even though last year killed it all for me. I need to find my why again with it. I’m doing it for me, not for anyone else. I need to run so that I can write again, on a regular base. About topics that are painful, topics that aren’t pretty to tell to others. Those things I was good at, and while helping myself helping others. By speaking my truth. My truth that I’ve gotten a bit scared of and lost while at it. I also have to remind myself what I’ve lost in only a year, one of my best friends and my Grandpa. Losing people like that leave marks, they remind you of how short this life really is.

I love the me I am today so damn much, I get annoyed why I have to let my heart be so hungry as it is, but damn I love myself so fucking much for all I am. From those naked selfies, to finally embracing my style the way it’s been bubbling under for such a long time. The more I am honestly myself, the more I’ve found that people either love me or hate me. And I’ve let few of those negative moments under my skin, that only pissed me off more. I guess it’s true… I must have leveled up when people hate me. And I’m definitely doing things right. For myself.

I needed the moment when I felt so low and unloved and frustrated as I did, to remember who I really am, and if someone can’t take that, that’s on them not me. And yes, my past has molded me and defined me, but that doesn’t mean that I need to carry it all with me. I’m so much stronger than I ever was purely because of it. So I have no need to take any bullshit anymore. Tolerance is lower and lower daily.

Dreams are on a all time high these days. Damn old dreams are on the brink of becoming reality, because that’s just how I roll. One day soon, to the sunset with that dreamy motorcycle, like I’ve dreamed since I was about 15… Yes, you are allowed to laugh at that image in your head, be sure I am. Though with a smirk that I’m making it reality, finally. 😉

So we win some, we lose some. That’s it. Never be ashamed or embarrassed of your past, it made you who you are. Be proud of that stuff, no matter how ugly it might be. Love your little heart out, even if it hurts at times, just take those risks. You never know what’ll come on the other side of that risk. It might be the best thing you’ve ever done. And give yourself time to get used to it all, that new can be so tiring, don’t push yourself too hard.

I promise to myself to be more open with who I am, no matter who is in front of me. New people might not know all of me, they don’t have to, but I don’t need to feel like I need to hide it either. I like myself, that’s enough.

PMA ❤