What is Going On? Why Are We So Afraid Of Each Others Differences?

A young man died because he stood up to racist demonstration in Helsinki. He died because he wanted to show that he didn’t accept what the people were there for. What is it that makes a person so afraid of something that is not exactly like him/her, that rather than educating themselves, they are okay with violence and racism.

It’s really really damn hard for me to understand how someone can hate, just purely hate, another person just because they are different. And the situation we have everywhere in the world at the moment, growing all the time, is just confusing. Why do we want to go towards this direction that is only going to end up hurting people who had nothing to do with any of it.

I admit that I’ve been afraid many times in my life, even about someone being different than me, but never have I thought that they are wrong or that they shouldn’t be the way they are. My fear of difference is in me, it has nothing to do with anyone else, and especially nothing to do with the person I don’t know and because of that feel wary of. My fear of difference is also the lack of knowledge in me.

I’ve learned, even at times the hard way, how wrong I can be of someone. It’s so easy to make assumptions based on first impressions. And I have never been happier than when I’ve learned how wrong I’ve been and how amazing that person truly is.

The thing is, I don’t see different skin colors or shapes or sizes with the people I share my life with. They are people like me, I love them because of who they are, they make my life so much richer by being different than me. That’s the gift we all have that we can give to each other, share the difference in us to learn more.

But for some reason there’s so many people that can’t see any of it like that.

I’m trying to get this feeling out of me that has stirred from all that I’ve read the past days. But getting this feeling out as words is one of the hardest things. I do not understand how someone can think that racism and violence is a good thing. How seeing another person less than you, how their value of life is nothing or that they deserve what they got?

What is it that makes someone hate someone so much?

What I will keep doing is living my life as rich as how different my friends and family are all over the world. With that I hope that I can show someone that difference is indeed a richness not something we should be afraid.

No to racism. No to hatred. No to violence.

Yes to difference, in skin color, nationality, language and all of that.

YES TO LOVE.

Self Confidence / Insecurities

screenshot_20160916-131214It’s funny how little you need to feel like your confident self again. Sometimes you need to go far to see very close, something I’ve done a lot lately. But it also seems to be the only way to find myself again. So from insecurities to finding my self confidence to realising that I get still very lost with myself.

Last weekend I was in Stockholm, the place where I always feel like I can breath free, not sure even now after all these years why. Something in that place that I just feel so at home. I was there because of our massive running gathering, which also meant I got to see people I’ve missed like crazy, and meeting new forever friends you just click instantly.

The funny little thing I felt in me was that, instantly when we landed in Stockholm, I felt like that long lost confident me that I’ve been searching and looking for such a long time, basically the last year or so. Obviously I’ve had moments I’ve felt that me, but most of the past year has been such a weird time that wow.

After battling with my self confidence and body image this whole year, it felt so damn good to feel good about myself. And the thing is that I don’t know what changed, why there I got that part of me back. In a way it doesn’t make any sense, nothing really changed, other than the location and the people around me. Maybe just the pure positive atmosphere around me was the key. Something I feel like I am hunting after with dogs here in Finland.

The feeling of feeling comfortable and beautiful in my own skin and clothes and all that, felt so damn good. I had to do a little “you got this” at home before I left to the airport, but I remember looking at myself in the mirror and saying that “you look great” and that “do not give a shit if someone doesn’t like this”. Those peptalks are needed at times… Just try yourself.

Being myself has been a challenge lately and I’ve been so damn tired of that. I’ve known all the time that I’m there, under some weird pressure, but it’s been hard to get to the center, under all those layers of doubt. There hasn’t been enough “who cares” and too much of “what ifs” and “maybe I should make myself smaller in every way possible”.

Sometimes we need good company to remind us of our amazingness. Sometimes someone needs to give us a little attention to wake up. It might just be a look to make you smile. Or it might be words like “your body is amazing” from someone who has no idea about what you’ve gone through with your body and how insecure and at times even ugly you’ve felt with it.

We tend to forget how important it is to be there for each other and positively comment, even if it feels funny. The importance of being positive and saying those things out loud can be so massive to someone. I need to get better at that too, saying those to myself as well as to others.

Maybe someone is thinking now, that that confidence should come from within, and yes I do agree but sometimes we really need a reminder, that’s it. It’s that simple.

With all my bumps and cellulite and wobbly bits, I actually felt so beautiful and desired. I loved that feeling of not needing to be embarrassed when I felt the touch on those parts of me. Something so simple but so important. Honest gentle touch and words.

Now I just have to keep being that confident me here, in my home where it’s a lot harder. There’s something that happens to me every time I’m back in Finland that I forget all that progress I’ve made in these past years and go back to that insecure uncomfortable one, feeling like I’m stuck and have no future. It’s like my past here is holding me back, but only because I let it. That’s the only reason.

Maybe every time I feel like I’m falling to my old ways, I need to remember those words and that touch and bounce back up to my amazing beautiful self!🙂

Self love in full effect! And thank you to that one who helped me realise my real worth without knowing my past.❤

PMA. LOVE.❤

Pressure Drop

wp-image-399967542jpg.jpgIt finally happened, my overly stressed mind and body got some time off and I felt a massive pressure drop happening in me. I only needed couple of days in a different surroundings and time off from my angsty day rhythm.

Like I’ve written during this summer, this whole recovery thing has taken a toll on me in ways I never expected. But it feels so damn nice to finally feel lighter and happier and more focused. That massive cloud is lifting from my happiness and I’m slowly but very surely getting my happy back.

Sometimes we need to go back or far, to see close. I needed couple of days with a person in different city, that really knows me and listens in a way I needed. My Grandpa. Me and my Grandpa have always had a bit special relationship, we are very close, in my childhood people thought that he’s my Dad more than few times. We’re made from the same wood in a way.

When I left my home to go and visit him, I felt so down and restless and just overly stressed. My body was swollen without a reason, I had a minor migraine all the time, it was just rebelling to all what had been going on. Yelling at me to calm down any way possible. I didn’t realise how massive of a difference couple of peace filled days could make.

I remember noticing this thing on my way back from there this Tuesday, I’ve had my ankles swollen for some weeks now, just a little bit or a lot, depending on the day. And all of sudden when I was travelling back home, I noticed that they were normal again, I could see my normal ankles. It’s a small thing but showed me in a very literal way how important it is to calm down. I could also feel how my body in general felt and looked better. And the difference inside, it glowed out with a peace and calmness that I had been yearning for a long time. Life has felt better than in a long time now.

Today is a good day, we have a Midnight Run in Helsinki tonight with members of my crew KARMA runners joining, and I get to run next to them while some of them run their first race, ever!

And next week I get to see so many of my international running friends in Stockholm as we tackle the amazing weekend there during the Half Marathon. Cannot wait!! So things are looking up.🙂

Sometimes we really need to go away, stop and feel that we are heard and then pick ourselves back up. And we need to remember how insanely wise our grandparents are, so call to them, go visit them, show them that you care.

LOVE! PMA❤

The Never Ending Sick Leave

wp-image-391466568jpg.jpgWhen you start to count how long you’ve already been on a sick leave and how it truly feels never ending… If something is a patience test, then this is, big ass time.

There’s no confirmed end to this yet, and that is starting to eat my spirit a bit, well honestly, I hate this to my core. My surgery was, 18th of May, and at the moment I feel like 2016 is going to be one hell of a yay for me. Obviously this post is me being filled with frustration and sadness and just anger that why a “simple” wrist operation turned a year of my life into what it is now.

When I got the news that my wrist is broken and needs a surgery last years Christmas week, I never ever thought that it will be this big of a life change. I understood that it is a simple operation that is a bit difficult to heal, or at least slower than others, but never did I think that it would be this. And then the wait to even get to the operation, those months from last weeks of last year to May, all that time when I had to reduce what I was doing at my work at the time, to people saying to me that don’t do that and don’t do this, to me feeling like I’m loosing a part of me, which I feel a lot at the moment too.

After the operation I thought that okay, this will take some time and then after those 6 weeks with a cast I’m pretty much good to go again and that my summer isn’t doomed and that I can start being “normal” again. That’s what I thought and believed and kept my spirits up with. But obviously it didn’t go like that.

The thing is, my recovery has gone as my surgeon wished it to go, but I just managed to break that one tiny bone that takes FOREVER to heal properly. It’s a bone that you can’t take risks with, or it needs a new operation. So I actually have to listen and believe my surgeon when she says that it needs a little more time, even when it is looking better all the time and like she wanted it to be.

But every time I hear that yeah, little more sick leave, just a little more, I seriously don’t see the good in that situation. I feel so shitty now, I just want to go back to being me, fully. Not this, some day I’m back me.

And the notion of how slow my body actually recovers from this all, is just tiring. You want to understand and you know the reality and the facts of why my running isn’t where it used to be, or why my body doesn’t respond as fast as it did last year to eating good and exercising, it’s a struggle to believe that those clothes that I love will fit me again, or that you look yourself in the mirror without feeling like yep, I would not mind looking a bit tighter. Some how it never even crossed my mind how massive of an impact one wrist operation could do to your whole body. It’s just a wrist, so why is it making my whole body react this massively. Yeah they had to take some bone of my hip but still?!

This year has been, once more, a test for me but not anything I was ever prepared for. It has been such a challenge mentally and physically that I even wish that it had been a knee or something like that. I have to battle my depression again, because this has been such a mental battle. And I hate that so much. I’ve lost my happy a bit and I’m tired of climbing back up, even though I know that I don’t want to sink either.

I’m afraid that loosing a year, will make my job opportunities shrink even more than they were before. I’m honestly afraid that I won’t find anything. Once this all is finally done. I’m afraid that I get stuck in this weird situation and just look how others around me move forward.

I’m tired and afraid of this all. I want to be able to be me, to be fully independent on my own and not have to worry about money ALL THE TIME, to feel like I have something to say and give, to feel needed.

I am trying to remind myself that there will be an end to this all, but right now it’s very damn hard.

This will get better, this will better, this will get better, I repeat in my mind, not sure if I even believe myself but I have to try.

 

I Thought I Lost You, But You Are There Still

Photo Jasmin Helmi

Photo Jasmin Helmi

Last week a friend of mine took some photos of me, I’ve asked her is she could as I needed some for my updated CV. I never thought that the images she took could make me feel the way they did. She was able to capture me, really me, the one I thought I lost during the past months.

For majority of this year I’ve felt a bit lost with myself. First because I was so adamant with my weird feeling of not wanting to stay in Finland, it felt like a prison sentence, I didn’t want to have anything solid here. I fought so hard against it all. And then with my wrist operation I think I grew tired of fighting, as I had to fight against so many other weird feelings that the operation had brought up.

The difference between this year and last is so big that sometimes I feel that they have to have more than one New Year between them. Last year was so much, it was planned and about jumping to whatever came to me, just taking whatever without thinking what it might mean in some time. I was just rushing and living, maybe too much, maybe not enough, but maybe I let myself actually live for the first time in really long time. I had been keeping myself back for so long that I just let loose and flew, not to the right direction by any means all the time, but I was still flying. And ended up my year with my wings almost cut off.

This year started with me looking in the mirror and realising things that I didn’t want to face, as I knew that they will rip all those scars that I had carefully tried to heal, open again to the core. And through this year I’ve looked myself in the mirror with that same look, quite a few times. Feeling lost and not sure what to do about it, feeling like I’m suffocating, feeling disappointed in myself, mind and body. I think that’s been the hardest to take, knowing that now I actually need to take a step back and that I can’t rush like last year. I need to heal, I need to give myself a break, I need to be patient in the many ways of that word. And it’s been very very hard. Depression has crept it’s ugly head at times, but there’s been still something that has kept me without sinking completely.

Photo Jasmin Helmi

Photo Jasmin Helmi

When I saw the photos my friend took last week tonight, I looked at myself in a different way, in new and more positive eyes. I’ve looked myself in the mirror end of this summer with new eyes few times, with a gentle and loving way, saying to myself that “you are beautiful and enough”. And smiled to what that notion has done to my face, it soften and glowing in a way I thought I lost already completely.

And today when I looked at my own face from those photos, I felt so beautiful.

It’s been such a long time I’ve felt like that. Since my operation it’s been so hard to accept the changes on my body, when I can’t be as active as I’ve been. The weight gain and lost of muscle and the cellulite, the evil cellulite that makes you feel so unwomanly for some reason. I looked photos from last summer when I felt so much like I’m in my own skin for the first time, and then this summer I looked at my body in a mirror and it was so far from what it was so little time ago. I tried to say to myself that you’ll get it back soon, but what I just wanted to do deep down was to eat more and make myself feel even worse. Which obviously doesn’t make any sense, but I was at the start again with my body, after all that insanely hard work I’d done for the past 3 something years. I had worked and worked for a body I had always dreamed of, and now it was gone.

It has been such a long summer, and not in a easy breezy nice way. I’ve looked and read and been on the sidelines as others have been living this summer like I wanted to live it. I’ve had to accept the very slow process of healing from two operations at once. Having very good things happening too, like having my own home and not feeling like I want to go again, but not being able to really be happy about all of it. It’s taken me all the way to August to slowly finding me again. 2016 hasn’t been my favorite, at least yet, I might change my mind later about that.

But something changed when I saw myself in those photos. I wasn’t sad anymore. I didn’t looked like there’s pain and frustration behind my eyes. I looked like I am happy again, slow and steady getting my real happy back.

I’m not expecting anything drastic of myself now. I want to show myself that I can again, just like I did little over 3 years ago, when this whole journey started. I’m in a new beginning. But I have great people to make this start easier and filled with deep rooted laughs and tears and honesty.

Let’s do this, once again.

PMA❤

Photo Jasmin Helmi

Photo Jasmin Helmi