I thought that if this is MY words about ME, it would be time to tell a little about ME…
My name is Mirka, I’m from Finland, I’m 29 years and at the moment I live in Hannover, Germany.
That’s the basic that doesn’t really tell you anything. When I was thinking about how much and what I want to tell about myself, it wasn’t the easiest conversation in my head. At times I wanted to pour everything out but then something says that noonoonoooo! So let’s see what really comes out.
I start from this day and go back in time. I moved to Hannover almost year ago on a whim. I didn’t have any proper plans, no job, no place to live, I just wanted to get out of Helsinki. I wasn’t happy there, I didn’t really know why, I tried to search but never found that “something”. It wasn’t about anything else but me, I wasn’t happy with myself and I also felt that I needed to go somewhere else, totally else where I don’t know anything, to find myself and really start living MY life. So I packed my stuff, which meant that I gave and sold 99% of what I owned and put my dog in a travelbox, my bike in a box and had one suitcase of stuff for myself and moved away. So now, after almost a year, I have been going trough more than I wished or dreaded for. First, this is not my city, second, it’s not that smart to just move without any proper plans. I had some friends when I moved here but that newness only lasts for sometime, people have their own lives and they live them, they don’t stop and stay next to you and make your life ready. But thanks to few amazing people, I got a room to live in and the first months were nice. I went out more like I planned, I did things, but I didn’t speak german, which is not good here. In the beginning I was super pumped about learning the language but when everyone wants to speak english with you to practice, you forget that you’re the one who actually needs to learn. And this all means that I didn’t find work and I still haven’t. And it’s getting harder. You probably think how on earth I’m still here if I don’t have work.
This time haven’t only been bad, and I didn’t even tell the “bad” stuff yet. Before I moved I had had series of bad relationships. Those ones that you go into even though you know you shouldn’t. I always managed to find myself in a place where I was more like a mom or a nurse or what ever the other person needed at the time. And because that’s how my life had been in a way, I didn’t realise that I need to be me and I need help and support sometimes too.
My childhood weren’t the easiest one. I learned from very early to think about others first and maybe remember myself then. Between me and my Mom, we had our own struggles, like many mother-daughters. Our relationship was always close and the best way she could, she was there for me, but the way she wasn’t left me with really deep wounds. Now at my age, I find myself going trough same things that I hated in my Mom for so many years. I hate that I feel sorry for myself, I hate that I don’t love myself enough, I hate that I doubt myself ALL the time, I never let myself be happy. I don’t know anymore how to do that.
My real Dad was never there, so I had another. The Dad that is real to me is my step Dad. I don’t have another only him. My Grandpa is and has always been the closest man in my life, all of my happy memories are somehow to do with my grandparents. They are the rock in my life that I can always trust.
So before I moved here, I had this weird calm feeling that I’m okay to be alone and probably will never find someone next to me. It wasn’t some desperate crying thing, it was more like okay this is okay and what’s next. But my life decided something else and I met the person that is my rock and I couldn’t think of not having him in my life. I didn’t think that I could have that kind of person in my life, that kind of person that wants to take care of me and let me fall and still is there. Our life together has been everything but blissful and easy, but somehow we are super strong and only thinking to the future and having plans about Our future. I can only thank him and something bigger for being there for me.
How do you go on when you have no idea what you want?
I know that I want to live outside Finland, I don’t have any desires to move back there and it’s funny feeling to have. I know that I want to be in this family unit that we have, me, him and the dog. I know that I want to run that marathon. I know that someday I want kids. But I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up, I don’t know where I want to live, I don’t know if I ever learn how to speak german… I will but at the moment it feels like that.
I have this huge want to know, and be something, but no idea what. I get excited about things so fast and strong that they die before I have enough patience to follow them through. My old friend said that I’m like a rollercoaster, my moods go up and down so fast that it’s impossible to keep up. I don’t even keep up with them sometimes. I don’t know how to stop and give myself the change to really listen to myself and say that you’re good, it’s all going to be okay just calm down. I want to learn that.
I’m emotional as poop! These days I cry in the weirdest situations. I love that part of me, I feel that I’m strong to be able to cry. But sometimes it’s little funny when I listen to a song or see some funny video or what ever and I’m ballin’my eyes out, but then again why not?!
I love taking photos of my feet or more like what I’m wearing and putting them on my Instagram, also juices/smoothies/foods are in the top these days :). Before I was little embarrassed about it but then I thought that if this makes me happy, I don’t care. I love that I get super excited about tiny things, like when I make some new juice mix and it has the coolest colors. Those are something I will post a lot later.
I don’t know what I’m so scared about, I know that I’ve been pushing myself so hard, too hard, to be something that I thought that I need to be what I don’t need at all. I need to give myself a break and I need an actual break from Hannover and go somewhere to see different things and remember who I am and what I need and what I like. That’s what I need.