2/31

Second run done.
I really have to change how I feel about this project, because at the moment I make it feel like a burden and something I don’t want to do and it’s supposed to be the total opposite!! I’m little bit mad at myself, why I can’t be proud of what I have commit to do and realize that I’m doing it?!

Doubts, oh sweet doubts…
That’s what I’m good at and I’m tired of doubting myself with everything and all the time!! Stop that Shit already!! It’s not doing any good!!

Today when I woke up I felt stiff and sore, and all I could think was “why did you do this to yourself?”. Why am I even thinking like that?
Like I’m going to die if my legs are sore and I still run? Oh my, oh poor you!!

The thing what I noticed when I started running today, was that my Running Body didn’t have any problems with running, but at home before the run, my Rest Body was making all kinds of aches and things up why I should give up… And I’m not talking about my mind, only my body. And when I was running all was good for sometime until my mind started acting, of course. It was a true mind over matter moment. And I just ran! And I had to make myself be proud of what I did.

During my run I was thinking of the reasons why I wanted to do this. Today was about appearence and how I see myself and am I happy with myself. Well I’m not so I have to do something, that’s pretty simple.
Yesterday I was in the city, I wanted to find this long droopy dress that would look super nice with my sneakers… I don’t even have any money but I’m my head I was thinking only about the image. You can get pretty long way with that…
After trying on few, I realized that what I see in the mirror is far from what I want to see and again I have no desires to be skinny, just healthy and happy. I realized that I have way more cellulite on my legs that I thought and it made me sad. Sad of letting myself do that to myself. If I know what I shouldn’t eat and that when I excercise I feel whole lot better, why I still keep doing the bad things? It’s about the fact that I don’t respect and love myself enough…
That needs to change! I don’t want to be 50 and still be unhappy with how I look and unable to fit in clothes I like.

I want to find the happiness of doing this whole thing and I want to find myself and say to that self that “you’re beautiful, I love you, I’m proud of you and you can do anything”.

And why I feel ashamed of running?! Why I try to go out late so that I’m pretty much alone on the streets? It doesn’t make any sense… I’m doing something that my old self didn’t do and many many others don’t do. I should be super proud!!

So to sum this day up, I’m grumpy and I don’t want to be! Tomorrow is a new day and I can make it better! And No, I didn’t buy any dresses.

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