12/31

Today was just a good day! Simple as that.

When I woke up I thought that I’ll take it super easy and chill, but after breakfast I felt like running. And that’s what I did :)!
I was checking my Nike Running App and noticed that with 6km I would get my July km to 50km. So with 6km goal in my head I headed out of the door and damn it felt good!

Something HUGE has changed in me, I have started to believe in myself! This is the first time ever I can say that, I’m serious! I was running and I didn’t doubt myself, I knew that I can do it and that’s it. That simple.
In the beginning I noticed that I still had that fear of shorts and being embarrased of my legs moment, because I didn’t have my short undertights. But while I was running, I thought “I’m doing this, I don’t care if someone looks at me and thinks eeww,they are not running, I am!”.
And for me that was a milestone, huge one. It’s a step towards happier and more confident Me :).

This kind of moments are important to say the least, if you’ve been going through what I have in my life. I haven’t have moments like this ever, when I don’t push that change in me, rather it comes naturally.
I’ve always had this weird pressure of being happy, it’s probably part of being depressed. I still have that feeling sometimes, some days more than others. But I think today and after tuesdays LongRun, something klicked into a better direction. I’m not there yet, but I’m on my way! 🙂
Maybe I’m in a place that I’m ready for this to happen. You can change anything if you’re not truly ready and I know that too well.
I’ve been in a therapy couple of times in my adultlife and it doesn’t work if you’re not ready. And both times for me were those moments that I was ready to let change in my life.
And after a super hard time, months of absolute misery and feeling more lost than ever, something awesome is happening!

I would never ever thought that the thing I hated for many years, is the thing that saves me!
When I was 13, I was training track and field. Mostly short distance running and sometimes hurdles. I always thought that I would be super good at it, I had dreams but the level of training broke both of my knees bad. I was still training but I couldn’t walk properly. I remember my coach always saying that “if there’s not blood, it’s not hurting” and “pain is weakness”. So I pushed and pushed!
And after I had my injuries and had to stop and go through long therapy training with my legs, I just hated the idea of running. It was supposed to be something nice and enjoyable as a teenager, something were you can grow and feel good about yourself, and it ended up being just mad!
And I never ran again before this January. So it took me 16 years to try it again. And I certainly didn’t think that I could be any good at distance running. I don’t still know if I’m good at it, but I do enjoy it and that’s what’s most important to me :). That’s why you should do something, because it gives something to you, makes you feel good about yourself!
I don’t have to be best, fastest, or whatever. I just do it because I purely enjoy it and it empowers me!

If something this simple can change you, you need to keep going and go through those shit moments and try to believe in yourself. And it’s not easy, I sure know it! It’s hard as a motherfucker! Most of the time in the beginning it just feels awefull, it’s not enjoyable at all, but after a while something starts to change. It gets easier, you can push yourself more, you don’t feel like a deadweight anymore, you start to carry yourself! You become proud of yourself! You start to like yourself and believe in yourself! Those are the moments why I keep going with this at the moment, those moments are more than all gold and diamonds and whatever together!

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