I was thinking this thing today, do I run from something or do I run for something, or what am I doing with this running thing.
My close friend, Maija, is an amazing and super dedicated Pilates teacher, so dedicated that it’s hard to see her sometimes. Her job is her life and she puts it first always. I have been thinking always that how does someone do that. How can you love something so much?
I always admired her, because of that. I was in a way jealous, too. I wanted to have something that I love so much. I wasn’t sure if it’s a person or a job or a “hobby”. Year ago, I felt extremely lonely, hungry for a change, any change! And I was just about to do this huge move to another country, but still I felt like shit.
For many many years of my life I have felt lonely, to be honest, most of my life. I have never had that much friends, and I’ve always like to be alone too much. That’s my down fall, for me being alone is safety. I’m scared shitless of giving myself out there and meet new people. I don’t know how to keep friendships. I do have two friends that are extremely important to me, Maija and Jocke. Those two are the ones from Finland that I don’t want to loose and am willing to do the work to keep them in my life. And my best friend is my boyfriend and I think that is something that you should have. To be able to have that kind of relationship that you can call your other half, best friend. When I wanted to say that to my boyfriend the first time, I felt almost ashamed, because I didn’t know if that’s okay to say, if it’s weird. But how he took it was the best part, because he feels the same. That’s huge for me.
After I moved here, in the beginning I felt that I have friends, more than ever before and I felt happy. After some time past by I noticed that I’m not that happy anymore, the real life started creeping in. And all of sudden, I was alone again and in the middle of huge people drama. I felt that it’s easy for people to either drop me from their lives or push me out because I was the new one. And I felt that people were just throwing all their shit on me, for no reason. I wasn’t the best person for sure always but I know that I wasn’t the worst either! I just couldn’t understand. And if someone wanted to help me, I didn’t know how to take it.
I have always been too naive to trust people, and oh boy have I got knifed in the back so many times… And now I’m in a place where I don’t want to take any chances anymore in hurting myself. So, I’m lonely again.
And while I’m changing my own life, and I feel lost in who I am, I mostly feel that can I be really this into running and my healthy eating stuff. Am I pushing other people away by changing myself, to a direction where my heart wants to go. Is it okay for me to be selfish like this… Is this the healthy selfish.
I have trust issues, huge! When I was a kid, I always felt that I somehow need to take care of my mom and always worry is she okay. The only place where I felt completely safe was with my grandparents, they are the people I still can truly trust. These days my boyfriend is with them on that trust level. But I don’t know how to 100% trust my mom or my dad. I feel that they let me down so many times in my childhood, that I don’t know how to. My whole life I have wanted to hear my dad say that he’s proud of me, sincerely proud. I don’t know what to do to make him or to that matter my mom proud, because I always feel that I disappoint them somehow. I haven’t done all the things I have wanted in my life, because I was afraid of their opinion. I even wanted to move to another country to get far enough from them to begin my own life and even that didn’t help.
I yearn of that sense of belonging. I feel and know that I belong with my boyfriend. I don’t feel at all that I belong to live in Germany, but I don’t know where else I could go, because I don’t want to move back to Finland now. Or if we live in Germany, Hannover is definitely not the place for me. I feel that this is not the place where I get my new start, more like this feels like a place I have more negative things happened than positive, though my boyfriend over rules almost all those negatives. But he alone can’t change this feeling.
I’m a huge fan of running crews and one of my biggest dreams is to belong to a one, the biggest dream! To share my passion and love for running with other people alike. I probably follow all of them on Instagram, haha! But having that goal in my mind that someday I WILL run next to my Hero, Robin or maybe this fall in London with Run Dem Crew, that’s what keeps me going here!
Just like with love, I have this tiny voice in my head saying that you will find your crew and place! So I want to keep hold on to that.
But first I have to make me believe that I can have dreams to hold on to, like the fact that I really want to study nutrition. I already know a online school that I could study in, but it’s expensive, or I think it feels expensive when you don’t have anything. But that could actually change my life! And I don’t know why I don’t let myself try to fulfill myself with something that I’m really interested?! And I have always wanted to help other people in someway, so this might be one way to do that. Or maybe someday I could be a personal trainer or a running coach, you never know ;). But that school could be the first step towards my happier and better life! And I’m afraid to give myself that change!!! How stupid is that?!
I was thinking today if I’m running so that I don’t have to think that I don’t hang out with other people that much, maybe, but mostly running is making me change to a better and happier and more confident person, so I’ll take that! And I have couple of people here that I see and enjoy their company. So, I think I’m going to a good direction :).