I feel that this heat is sucking my brain out, or more like melting it. And poor little dog is just dead sleeping all the time… Not for us from the north, I guess. Though I have never liked hot weather, at all, since I was a kid.
I love to run at late evening, I love to run at winter, there’s just something that makes me happier. I don’t feel myself stronger running when it’s hot, just sleepier in a way. It feels that you’re running at the same spot all the time and like you can’t breath, because the air is super thick. But I still run :). I just have to admit to myself that I should run either at early morning or late evening.
And it’s not like it’s never warm or hot in Finland, it is! But now I live in inland and always before I have been living either between two lakes or by the sea… There’s a difference in the air. I never thought that I could miss sea or water, because I’ve never been that much for any water related things, but since the only water that is close to me is a super small fake lake… it just doesn’t feel the same. So I’m pretty stoked to get to go to Finland end of august and breath and see all my loved ones!
I think after last week I have been in a slump. I’ve been missing my mom and my family back home a lot and also kind of for the first time really missed my handsome half. Maybe it’s getting harder now when the days get fewer and you know that you see soon… But soon I don’t have to miss anymore :).
But also I can feel that I’m somehow sad, I know that I have been having expectations about my body and this month, that are unrealistic. I know that I had this image and hope in my head about how I want my body to look… like in a month you can change that much hahah! I wanted to look like some super hero amazing when my bf comes home, and I know that I look a lot better, at least in my own head but I think I’m afraid that he won’t notice any difference. That would not be that nice… I also notice these feeling that I haven’t done enough, which is ridiculous because I’ve done just what I have wanted and felt like, even pushed myself lot harder and further than I could ever think. I should be so proud and I am, but there is that old tiny voice in my head that loves to push that doubt back… So stupid! I hate that doubt asshole!
I know that I’m little terrified of this future fall time, there’s so many things that I want to do and so many more that I need to do, and I can feel that I’m starting the age old prestressing already… Like I haven’t learned by this age that it doesn’t help, just makes things more difficult. One day at a time, that is all I need to remember!
There are few things that I had put on my notepad to write, but they have been too hard or whatever to start.
Since I was a teenager my relationship with food has been little hard. I’ve always felt that the fact that I know how to cook, has not been best for me. I love food! And I don’t have any little voice with this that says “stop eating, you’ve had enough!”. I recently read about binge eating, and realized that I’ve been doing that for many many years now. I always thought that do I have some eating disorder, because my eating habits are not the same all the time or even close to. And because of that my poor body has been through so much, too much! My weight has been, in my adult life, between 58-80something kilos. The weight that I’ve noticed that I feel most comfortable in is around 60-65kg. At the moment I have no idea what I weight, but I don’t really care, I just want to be healthy and feel good in my own skin. There’s still little to go to my goal of feeling good in my own skin, but I’m on my way. I know that at some point I’m super annoyed about jeans not fitting from my thighs or calves, because when I run or do what ever a lot they tend to get big, but that is more like a badge of honor in that point!
I just really want to get my eating in a place where it doesn’t go up and down and back up and then down. Last week and early this week I had this weird stomach ache and I knew that I have been eating junk with the good stuff, and decided to start food journal, just to see what it was that made me feel bad. Maybe it’s those potato chips that I love so much… I kind of hope that it would be them, then I couldn’t eat them like before and it’s not like they are good for you! But they are soo good!! They are the only thing that I sometimes miss so much, that sounds ridiculous…, that I can taste them in my mouth without having them there. Okay, I have a problem! 🙂
I want to be able to learn the true feeling of hunger and the feeling of when I’m done not full. I don’t enjoy that full feeling at all, I look like I’m pregnant, and that’s not a joke. I don’t want to keep eating just for the need of it, because I don’t know how to stop. I don’t want to eat more than my boyfriend, who is way bigger than me… And I don’t want to be one of those little overweight people when they are older or now. I don’t want to be in one of those couples where the girl is way bigger than the guy. And this is not something that I hate in society, just don’t want to be like that myself because I know that if I am, I am probably also depressed and unhappy.
Then to the next thing that I have been thinking a lot… FASHION
I’ve always been in to fashion, one way or another. I’ve worked somehow in that field, but now later I have noticed that I’m more into sports fashion or putting both of them together, that everyday classy feminine one and then some sports in there. I used to be so into this thing, that I bought every month few fashion magazines, even if I didn’t really have the money, or I would easily buy clothes, even something small with the no money that I didn’t even have. This is probably pretty common for some people… nothing new in a way. But for me, something has totally changed. When I moved to Germany, I realized how non existent the english or any other language fashion magazines are. And I think I live in the worst place, if you want some of them. There is one place where they have some, but not at all what I was used to in Helsinki. And it’s not only about the magazines, this city is not for you if you’re interested about fashion, high or sports or whatever, just not the city.
When I moved here and long after, before I found my running thing, that was a real problem for me. It is still but I just don’t care the same. In Helsinki one of my favorite things to do was just walk around the city and look all the stores without buying. I got something from that. Here, you can’t do it, unless you love Primark… that should say something.
And now, when I’m more and more into this running life, I’m with a new problem… there’s not that much variety here to get running gear. 🙂 So, most of the time I’m daydreaming in the internet.
I also know that I’m really brand loyal, my bf loves to tease me about that. My absolute number one is Nike, no questions! They are one of the rare brands that are not only for super functional stuff but both, good looking and functional. And I trust Nike as a brand, because I have some stuff that I’ve bought many years ago and I really use them a lot and they are still in a amazing condition. I also like Under Armour a lot, they have really nice functional stuff, not so much amazing looking maybe but they work.
And I have this thing that I can’t wear many labels at once… I know it sounds ridiculous, but if you have Nike shoes, you don’t wear Adidas shirt or something. NO! 🙂
But now I’ve come to this conclusion that I want and like to wear more and more sports wear in my everyday clothes. There are many girls in this world who totally rock that and that’s inspiring! If that’s something that makes me feel best, then heck, why not! Thank god, I don’t need to be like everyone else!
You know when you say something like “I will never use skinny jeans” or something like that… it always comes back to bite you in the ass. I did say that actual thing some years ago, and surprise, I only wear skinny jeans… But now I have new problem. A big one for me! I have always, always, always hated the leggings style that girls have had for some years… most of the time they just don’t look good at all. I don’t understand how someone can think that those really used, almost see through cotton leggings are good looking in any way?! And they are not pants! If I can see all your pores and cellulite and even your underwear, is that nice…no!
Well my thing at the moment is that I love training/running/performance tights. And I have always said that I would never use leggings, and I haven’t and I never will. But I kind of would like to wear all those amazing printed tights sometimes, with not my ass showing to the whole world but as a part of my style. Because for me they are not leggings, they are made for actually something and you mostly use them when you need them, not as a “I just put these on because I don’t care”.
So let’s see what happens in the future… I have already been using my running tights sometimes as a “pants”, though after run mostly. But I think I’ll be more of a jeans kind of girl, sometimes wear those tights too :).
But I absolutely love how some brands are getting more and more in to this, let’s mix the performance and street wear into one. That’s awesome, at least a person like me! 🙂
So I have been running, I have been eating and I have been going through some kind of emotional roller coaster but I’m getting back to my calmer self :).
I did couple new records last sunday on my long run, pretty stoked about that!! Feels pretty weird to be able to run faster when you feel like you don’t move at all because of the heat haha.