Today I ran twice. Never done that before, but there’s first time for everything.

In the morning or early afternoon I went and dared the heat again, even though yesterday I said that I wouldn’t do it again. And then in the evening when I was out with the doggy, I felt that I need to run again. It had been raining a lot in the evening and the air wash fresh and easy to breath. So I brought the dog home and changed my clothes and went out the door :).

And damn it felt good! Just perfect! There was pretty much no one on my route and I could just run without thinking anything. The peace and quiet. It felt so good after my morning run, because there were few poopyheads to say it nice. I still don’t understand what gives some guys the idea that it’s a good thing to yell, whistle, wink or whatever dickmove that feels good at the moment, only because I’m running past them. I don’t think I’ll never understand and I never want to understand that! It’s not respectful behavior in any case. It just shows that you’re pretty stupid! And it certainly does not feel good, not at all! It does not give me some boost or anything to that direction, it just makes me feel uncomfortable. Well that’s that, I don’t want to get all wound up before I go to bed.

I was thinking tonight also that is there something wrong with me because I don’t feel like going out and rather go for a run. Am I running my lonely feeling to go away or just running for the fun of it?

It’s only a week till my bf comes home and I think I have this longing feeling in me, now that I know how short time it is before we see each other. I notice that I really miss having him next to me, even quiet and doing our own things but still, the closeness is nice. He’s there close to me.

I’ve had this feeling of homelessness, I don’t feel like home in a place where I live, because there’s not my name at the door and I don’t really have any My stuff here, most of it is still in Finland. I miss having that own feeling, like something is mine and I need that feeling that some place is my home. Not just a place where I sleep. I always feel here like I’m visiting and can’t really be myself. I’m someway tiptoeing all the time. I think that’s why I like that my bf comes back, he’s my home. Whenever I’m with him, I feel like home.

For the first time in my life I let myself need someone. It’s not weakness anymore, it’s a power that I have inside of me, to let someone so close that I can trust them enough to need them. I love that he has changed that in me, it’s huge!

It doesn’t mean that I can’t be alone or that I need him in every moment of my life. For me it means that I want to share my life with him, make memories, call someone that awesome my best friend, wake up next to the person I love.

I like to need someone, for the first time I feel like that and I don’t want to push that feeling away anymore.

I love you.

 

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