Today has been one of “those” days. I’ve been feeling angry, lonely, just little bit crappy.
Honestly, I’m terrified of this following fall. I have no idea what to do with my life. Yeah, I have my bf and I want to be with him, but I’m talking about my own life. I know that I want to run, but that doesn’t bring money to my bank account or food on the table. I’m little bit ashamed that I have been a “hausfrau” for so long. I feel that I have lost my lust for life, at least for some part. I feel guilty and somehow sad that my bf “has” to come back from his dream place to here. I have this stupid image in my head about him suffering here and that it’s better for him there and he just doesn’t say that he doesn’t want to come back to this shit. Okay, I’m feeling shit now, so this doesn’t mean that I feel this all the time, just now and in my deepest and darkest fear moments.
I’ve had this feeling for a long time that I just don’t want to stay here, not in Hannover and not in Germany. I still say that I want to give a chance to this country but I just feel like why should I?! When I moved I was definitely escaping something, I didn’t feel like that but that’s the truth. I wanted to have an new start but I feel that I got sucked to a shit hole and now I’m struggling to get back to the air. Why didn’t I choose to move to a place where I knew something, like the place or the language. But No, I chose to move to a totally unknown place with nothing!
Even if I don’t like the place or some of the people, I have my love here. And I feel less shitty because we both want to move away from here at some point, me earlier, as you can probably see. And if I haven’t moved here, we wouldn’t have met, so… there’s always something good too.
Some of these feelings are supposed to be normal after you move to another country and have lived there for six months or little over… You are experiencing something called “culture shock”. At some point, I’m definitely in a deep one at the moment. So deep that just a little while ago when I was out with my dog, I started crying because I was so tired of dog owners here not respecting the fucking fact that my dog is in a leash and if I’m pulling him away or putting him on the other side of me, it doesn’t mean that you should let your dog to come as close as possible or if your dog is without a leash, let it just run to mine who is in a leash! That incident, that has happened millions times here after we moved, just opened something way bigger in me. And I just started crying. Of being tired of this all. Of being terrified of my future.
A lot of times, I don’t want to admit this, I think that why don’t I just go back to Finland. At least I wouldn’t have to feel like shit, because I don’t learn this language fast enough. I think there’s part of me that just wants to give up, but I know that the reason for me staying and pushing that feeling down, is my bf. I know that if we would live in different countries, we couldn’t do this, or it would be super difficult and hard. There are moments when I feel really lonely about the fact that I can’t speak my own language. I didn’t realize how important part that is about who you are. And because finnish is not like the most used language, I feel that people just make fun of it like it’s some made up shit. They don’t understand that they are disrespecting me and who I am. I even heard that why would someone learn it because you don’t need it! Well, you don’t probably need it here in your everyday life but fuck, I would love to speak me sometimes!
I don’t want to go to a parties or places where there are a lot of people, because usually people ask you these normal question like “what have you been doing?” or “well what would you like to do?”. Well, I haven’t been doing anything else than running and I have no fucking idea. But you shouldn’t answer like that and I feel ashamed that I’m so lost and I never would say something like that, because I’m a people pleaser. So I mostly keep to my self, sometimes see some people but don’t feel like I belong. Not like I never have nice time. I just don’t feel like I have people that I can relate here, and I know that I should probably try harder but I’m just tired of trying all the time.
And I really would like to know what I want to do with my life and what is my passion and this and that?! But I have no idea, or I’m only thinking of running all the time. And stupid me feels that that is a bad thing! I don’t understand that I have a THING that I’m passionate about, but I have this pressure in my head that says that “you’re almost 30, should you probably know already something!”. I’m trying my hardest to figure out what I’m good at and if I could find something that I would love to do for a living, but I always come to running and what I could do with that passion, but then feel like that’s not good enough! Shit!
I know that if I wouldn’t start running and writing this blog, I would be in a lot worse place with myself at the moment. I know it, it’s not rocket science to me. I know me. Running gave me a reason to believe in myself, power to love myself, be proud of myself, so so many things! And I have never ever wrote anything, in school I hated it, diaries eeeww! And now I couldn’t think of not having this for myself. Things change, that’s for sure! I’m optimistic, that is for sure too :).
Here’s two songs that I heard back to back on my walk when I was crying and they hit home, like music tends to do.
“They say you’ll find yourself one of these days
As if they know I’m lost…”
“You help me lose my mind
And you believe something I can’t define”
I also read this pretty amazing thing today and I want to share it because, yes.
” I am not the first person you loved. You are not the first person I looked at with a mouthful of forevers. We have both known loss like the sharp edges of a knife. We both have lived with lips more scar tissue than skin.
Our love came unannounced in the middle of the night. Our love came when we’d given up on asking love to come. I think that has to be part of its miracle. This is how we heal.
I will kiss you like forgiveness. You will hold me like I’m hope. Our arms will bandage and we will press promises between us like flowers in a book. I will write sonnets to the salt of sweat on your skin. I will write novels to the scar of your nose. I will write a dictionary of all the words I have used trying to describe the way it feels to have finally, finally found you.
And I will not be afraid of your scars. I know sometimes it’s still hard to let me see you in all your cracked perfection, but please know:
whether it’s the days you burn more brilliant than the sun or the nights you collapse into my lap your body broken into a thousand questions, you are the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
I will love you when you are a still day. I will love you when you are a hurricane.”
– Clementine von Radics “Mouthful of Forevers”