So. I did it. Me. No one else. Me!
That song is to my Old Self! I’m not you anymore, I’m Me! 🙂
This project and more this month has done more to me than I never hoped for! The person that I was 31 days ago is strange to me now. I’m not cured from something, but I’m changed for the better, that’s for sure!
Before this month and during still, I doubt myself in every moment that I could. I never wanted to say to myself anything good, or if someone else said it I didn’t take it anyway, I was like a teflon pan. Nothing good sticked. I didn’t love myself, didn’t see that much good in myself, and was never proud of myself, trust nononono, so much insecurities and oh dear, what else, this list could just go on and on… What running has given to me is something I can’t even put to words in whole. It made me fall in love with myself and believe in myself. I know I can do what I put my mind to, pretty awesome!
This song is to remind me about who I am now. I was listening to it when I was walking with my dog this evening and it hit so hard, that I started crying of happiness :).
“When you’re out there doing what you’re doing
Are you just getting by?
Tell me are you just getting by by by
Where there is desire
There is gonna be a flame
Where there is a flame
Someone’s bound to get burned
But just because it burns
Doesn’t mean you’re gonna die
You’ve gotta get up and try try try”
I love those words from that song. The way they hit me about that part of just getting by, wow. And this is the first time in my life that I have actually get up so many times and just tried again and again and again. It took me almost 30 years to do that to myself, but thank god I did!
Yesterday I wrote that I have a goal of 16,1km for today, but already yesterday I knew that I want to try to run my first Half Marathon. I knew that I had to try, and I needed to try because I knew that I can do it and I really believed in that. And I wasn’t wrong :D!
Last night I was nervous when I went to bed… I had to do all kind of calming practices to get some sleep, and when I finally got then I was woken up at 4 in the morning by some real sharp guys who were yelling and kicking something and just making insane amounts of noise. And not only for a little while, they really got into it. So then this morning when I was supposed to wake up to meet my friend for a walk, I felt like shit. I had to cancel and she understood that this is so important to me that I want to sleep more and do my thing! But I didn’t sleep more, nothing happened, so I left out the door with my dog and thought that it’s better to walk it out and try maybe later again. After our walk my stomach was feeling so bad and I was worried if I could run at all. After some serious tea drinking and slow eating it started to feel better but I knew that I don’t want to wait until evening to go for my run. But I also knew that I have to take it easy because I was just feeling really bad. So I made myself to wait, some calm warm up moves and hydration. I could feel how fast my hart was beating through all of this. I was so nervous. I was thinking that this is probably how it feels before a race…
Then I changed my clothes and left, before that I went to the toilet probably around 6 times to pee haha. I was so positive about everything when I was running, I was just going and enjoying. Slow and steady. After few km I noticed that I’m stressing about the route and if I get the km that I need for my 21,1km. Step after step I calmed down and just said to myself that keep going you got this! And I did. It’s amazing how good you can feel when you do something you love.
And when you’re just doing what you love, the km just pick up :). I had this trick what I learned from Kara Gouchers book, that count the km down when you go, not up. It works like a charm! Just think how little you have left and you don’t even realize how much you have run. You also see the world totally different, you remember to enjoy. I saw swans with their tiny babys and cows with calves too, how amazing is that!
I was so happy when I was running that I was saying Hi to everyone and especially to other runners, and I love how they support you with a reply. But the best thing is that they have no idea where you’re coming from or how far or how much you are running, the smiles and joy is there anyway. You see so many different people running. I think the best feeling came out of these old old men who were running either together with a friend or alone and they really smiled so happy and you saw how much they enjoyed running :). I want to be like that when I’m old!
When you are running you think about things, random things that just pop into your mind and I love that. I feel so good after running. These days I can feel it in my body if I haven’t run in couple of days or sometimes even after a day. I like that. That my body and mind have something that they need so much that they make me notice it. When I started running today, I was listening one of my favorite songs, Ben Howard: Keep Your Head Up. And he sings in it “keep your head up, keep your heart strong”. I absolutely love that! It’s perfect in so many ways for me! That’s exactly what you’re supposed to do in this life! No more hiding, being scared or some other bullshit!
I think I could go on forever but my legs are telling me that they need some proper stretching and my eyes say that I need sleep :). I will definitely write more about what I have been thinking today and in total after this month later. But I will now listen to my extremely smart body and say good night!!