Bubbling Under

There’s something big bubbling in me and I’m still little lost with what it is. It has a lot to do with running, eating better and dreaming even more about trail running and Ultras.

There’s something about Ultras that fascinate me to so new way and somehow go deeper than anything else before. They have consumed my head and thoughts. Yes, I still want to run a marathon, because I want to do that, but I’ve realized that I’m the happiest when I run in the nature, not on the paved road.

That sounds extremely weird coming from me, because just short time ago, I hated walking bare feet on my parents backyard lawn. I felt that it was yucky, that I was kind of scared of what there might be under or crawling on my feet. I’ve never been the biggest fan of insects, but back then they really creeped me out. It’s not like that part has completely changed but some kind of respect and interest towards nature has risen it’s head in me. I don’t have that much experience with being in the nature, except when I was a kid, I was always in my Grandparents yard and garden, it was huge and filled with all kinds of awesome plants. I remember sitting inside of the raspberry bush and just enjoying the silence and eating them of course :). My grandma used to take me to this forrest close to their house and we had a fairytale forrest there, with stories and snacks and what ever. And some time I spend with my grandpa in his “ateljé” or woodworkshop, one of my absolute favorite places in the world! My grandparents certainly let me be free and try whatever I had in mind. I had good boundaries and if I did something wrong, I knew it, but that felt like safe haven to me. Years passed on and I have totally lost that part of myself, the person who didn’t care at all what others thought of me, I never felt alone even though I never had that much friends, I did have some imaginary friends or companions. Probably many of them, because I don’t remember just one.

I remember when my Mom was here to visit me and we were talking about my childhood and how I was back then, it was awful to hear how free spirited in a way I had been and I could remember that but also noticed that I have totally lost that part and maybe the biggest part of who I am during my late teens, early twenties and now. I’ve been feeling long time like I’m not who I really am. Maybe I’m slowly getting back to who I really am. I hope.

Maybe I like to run, because then I feel free. And I always feel little weird running on a place where there are other people or some “popular” running route. I love to enjoy things free and alone. That’s probably why the idea of Ultra running makes sense to me. It seems to be pretty solitary thing to do.

Sometimes I really would love to run with other people, there is a yearn for that, but I don’t feel like I need it all the time. I would really like to run with my bf, just to see how we do. And that’s something we will try. But there was a time when I was yearning to have a running crew around me all the time. I think it would be nice to have a group that you would feel that you belong and your dreams wouldn’t be weird, because others have them too. And it’s not like I want to be alone all the time, but I like it.

Couple days ago I was running my normal 10k route with my dog, without music, just listening my breathing, my steps and it felt amazing. He’s one of the best running buddies, if he feels like it :). Somedays he just wants to do other things more, just like we all… But I remember thinking that morning that I don’t want to run and that I’m tired and my legs don’t feel that nice. And then I go and run and it feels better than anything else! There was something in me that just unlocked or something. I also watched some clips about Anton Krupicka, amazing trail and ultra runner. He’s such a inspiration to me!! And I realized that the people I admire the most in running world are both or all, trail or ultra runners :D. My super hero, RobinNyc, Anton Krupicka and Scott Jurek!

There’s something in all of those people that spark something deep in me, some peace, some fire and so so so much inspiration and motivation!

I’ve noticed that I feel best when I run more than 5k. After 10k I feel amazing, but if I run 5k, I feel really sore and not so good and it feels that I have to recover more than after a long run. So if that keeps on being like that, maybe I could run an ultra some day! I always feel that after maybe 3 or 4 kilometers I really start to run and the more I run the better I feel. Maybe because the more I run, the more I have to be with my own self and deal with all those doubts or pains or whatever is in my mind. It’s the will part in me that I love to test and what I have never ever done before. That even sounds ridiculous now that I wrote it down, but yes, that is what I love.

There is a part in me, that questions that is this interest only a phase or is this something that will be with me long and grow stronger? I’m almost known for getting into something so fast and so much that my interest drops pretty fast and that’s the biggest reason for nothing sticking with me. But there’s something different with running. Something that is really like I said, bubbling under. Running is in me, some days I notice that it’s what I have been thinking the most…

I’m not doing all that I can at the moment for it, but I think I’m going to the right direction. There’s still huge part of me that is too used to the “old” me and those old habits, but slowly and surely I’m finding the right path towards better Me.

One huge thing that I have been pondering a lot is to eat only plant based food. It’s been a process in me for almost a year. Sometimes it’s still meat or chicken or fish but I know that I don’t need them to survive or feeling better or stronger. It’s been more because I love the taste or just how somethings are. But the more I do research the more I feel interested and willing to try more and more. I already know that I feel better when I don’t eat red meat, or meat in general. It’s not a new thing for me, my stomach just doesn’t really like them that much. I think the biggest thing has been my lack of knowledge in plant based food and how to prepare proper foods. Now I’m gathering more and more info every day, and the encouraging thing is that there are a lot of endurance athletes that are on plant based diets and doing better than ever!

I think I’m going more and more in to this less is more direction. When I was moving to Germany, I wanted to be able to have so little stuff that if I want to move again, I could just do that. I feel all the time that I want less and don’t want to have “mess or clutter” in my life. I don’t have much but I feel that I can strip somethings from that too. Books doesn’t apply on this, you can never have enough books!!

Everything from beauty products to clothes to things that I thought that I need, they just have been dropping away from my mind and made room for better being with myself. I’m not perfect and will never be, but I feel better and I will always dream of those and that running things! 🙂

Now some pilates and then enjoying the rest of my day!







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