Low

I have a proper low point tonight. I just got my flight confirmation to get to go to Finland for a week to see all my loved ones and just minutes after that joy, I felt so ashamed and just crushed about how I have let myself and my loved ones down.

The thing that kind of trickered it, was as small and simple as a baggage fee that you have to pay on top of my tickets. I got the ticket, because I don’t have money to pay it myself and the thing that totally put me to the lowest crack on the ground was the tiny baggage fee, that I can’t pay either…

I remember when I was maybe around my 20’s and I was thinking that I never want to be in a situation in my life that I can’t do normal day to day things because of my finances. And that’s exactly what my life has been all my adult life. What happened after I moved away from home?! I had pretty decent jobs, so that if I would have been smart with my money, I would been able to do things that I wanted. But something happened along the way and I really messed up my finances, like really!

And before I moved here, I thought that I some magic way will figure my life here… That’s the honest truth. Well surprise, surprise it didn’t really go that way. And then I got extremely depressed and was just so lost that I didn’t realize anything and I was and still am in a strange country and I still don’t know the language!

I’m just really disappointed with myself and how I have used the time in my 20’s… Or more so ruined amazing opportunities for myself, in a row!

And because I’ve always been good at punishing myself, I’m really putting myself down at the moment for all of this and don’t remember that I have all the tools to turn this all around. Or that’s not true, the part of not remembering, because here I am writing about all of this… So this is something that has to change NOW! Not tomorrow or in a minute or anything like that, NOW! I don’t want to ruin rest of my life, like I’ve done with the start of it.

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