I was thinking what I wrote last night a lot, and the thing that I didn’t “remember” at the time, was that I know more than well where all my money went… At the time or after I moved away from home and had my first proper job, I was also living this “you have to be and look certain way” life. That meant that I started my adulthood in trying my hardest to look and have all the right stuff that you needed to have to be excepted, to somewhere that I thought I need to belong. And many years after that I still did that, so all my money went to clothes, not to nice vacations to see new places or to things that might be nice to have in the future. No, they went to stupid stuff that I definitely don’t even remember anymore.
I also remember when I got tired of that all, but that was in a way little too much little too late. The damage was already done and I had tons of dept.
Makes you feel really proud of yourself, but also makes you ask that why do we have to be like this and this or why do everything around us say how to be and look and all that pressure is huge for a young uncertain person. I remember that I thought that if I look the certain way, or have the certain clothes, I would almost get to go finally to some weird nirvana, that of course doesn’t exist, but at the time you don’t know that. It was a game with others about who has the best and who looks the best and this and that. I guess that was the start of me being lost and loosing who I really am, and that is about 10 years ago…
I have realized that I’ve ruined my 20’s or at least what I thought that that time should be, but I still have so much ahead of me and it’s not like I’m sad to grow older. I always felt that it’s good to go to that directions and that your twenties is not some amazing time when everything is so good, like it’s portrayed in media. I like to be older and hopefully someday wiser too :).
This is a new start for everything!