I have been going through some things these past weeks and I’ve come to a place where I realize that this is the last chance for myself to actually change myself to a better.
This last year I have been hurting myself with how I take my days and not let anyone really close. Push those away who care and wonder why I feel really lonely. I have had one of the hardest years of my life, but at the same time I have some of the best things in my life that I could have ever dreamed of. And now with my actions, I might ruin those too.
I have never been good at letting myself be happy or enjoy anything good that been in my life. I have always pushed those things away, because I have no idea how to deal with them. I don’t know how to let myself be happy or let them last more than one second. That is stupid! I haven’t really been alive for many many years.
The thing with running and what it did to me and my insides, is that I can’t go on like I did before. I know I’m better. So why I am doing it again, especially when I’m the only one who actually suffers from it. I’m the one loosing all of my dreams and hopes, if I continue on my old path.
Like one of my closest loved ones says, Why can’t you just let yourself be happy already… That is a good question. And today, because I am scared of future and terrified of the changes I have been given, I blow up to the ones that I really don’t want to loose. That is also stupid.
Always before in my life, I tried to get out before I had to really deal with some people problems. At the moment the thing that I have to see and understand, is that I can’t just bail on myself, that doesn’t work. I can be afraid, scared, terrified, whatever but I can’t just bail. It doesn’t work like that. I have too much good in my life to do that, THAT WOULD BE STUPID!
With doing all of this during years, I have never understood that when I think that I only hurt other, I really hurt most myself. So that’s why this is my last chance to finally let myself to have a life that I only have dreamed of, do the things that I dream and let that happiness and love be and stay in my life, and not ruin it because I’m scared.
I just really hope that I haven’t ruin some things and let this negativity go too far. I wish that my fear would push me rather than keep me back and looking at things with sad eyes when it’s already too late.
I know that I can do this, because running showed that to me. And if I believe it when I’m running, I should believe it when I’m doing any other thing! It’s not that hard. If I can look myself in the mirror these days and say that I love you and that I’m proud of you, why is it so hard to be good to myself 100% and at the same time to others?!
So this is my last chance. Before I loose all those things that I love and want to believe in.
And it’s also time to say I’m sorry to myself. I’m enough with all I am, I don’t need to be anyone else. I’m awesome like this, just the positive and loving and happy version of myself, rather than the depressed, sad and negative. The smiling one is a lot more beautiful and happier.You can be all that you want to be, just give yourself a chance. Remember that, I love you! (note to self 🙂 )