Hello, my name is Mirka and I’ve been depressed on and off for most of my life. And by on and off I mean, that depression is a thing that never really goes away and you’re “healed”. Different things can cause it to come back, haunt your days that without it would be pretty nice. There are good periods and then there are really difficult and sad periods. If you find something that helps you live with it and see more positive in you and your life, those difficult periods don’t come too often, but to be able to maintain those good periods needs some serious work and that is HARD.
I am quite embarrassed to admit that I am depressed. I feel at times that it makes me worse than others, that it’s super hard for me to be happy and most of all, let myself be happy. Somehow I have this feeling that it is easier to think that I was depressed and now it’s gone, but also I think that it would be a lot easier to try to be okay with the fact that it’s part of me.
I know that it’s part of me but it’s not a nice thing to admit, especially if you know how bad it can make you. When I was younger, around 17-20, I was extremely depressed and the only thing I did was sleep. Sleeping gave me this freedom of that haunting and daunting feeling of sadness inside of me. Once I grew up and started having different things in my life, I couldn’t sleep that feeling away and that just made it worse, I felt that there was no way to get some easiness.
The reason for me to start writing my blog was to find a way to be more okay with my depression, not the main reason but part of it. Few years ago my therapist said that I should start writing my feelings down, I never did it because I had made my mind about me being unable to write and that I just don’t like it, so I never did. At the moment I wish that I had, but I don’t think I was ready.
I’ve always been a person who likes to be alone a lot, doing my thing, I don’t like that people bother me but I can also feel extremely lonely and yearn to be around people. But I’m also scared of being around people, because I’m not 100% sure of myself and I have times when it’s super hard for me to like myself. And I don’t have any kind of pokerface, so you would see if there is something.
I would love to have more friends, or more like let more people be my friends, but it’s super hard for me. Not sure why, but it just is. But it’s also really hard for me to say that I need a friend.
Last weekend I finally admit again that I am depressed. This past month has been really hard, on keeping myself positive and try to go forward. After I had to stop running because of my injury, I felt that I wasn’t good at all and I was beating myself up for getting injured. For me running has been my savior, it made me believe in myself and want to keep trying and not just give up. I started really liking myself and even be able to say to myself “I love you”! If you are or have been depressed, those are HUGE things.
For me, when I’m depressed, it feels that I’m doing something all the time, but the reality is that I’m not able to do sometimes even the everyday things. Sometimes going out more than just for the walks with the dog, is a terrifying idea, I can’t do it. It feels that you want to break free from this cloud that is just following you, but you just can’t. I see and hear the good things around me but I feel that I don’t have skills or tools to do anything about making things better.
It’s really frustrating to people around you and scary too, I believe. They try to help you with what they can but nothing seems to work. Sometimes the fact that they are trying can make the situation even worse.
I have always been jealous of people who keep trying and have this fire to do things and have projects after another. Or to have a skill like drawing, to be able to produce things and maybe sell them. I feel that I don’t have this skill set to do something like that.
My really close friend said to me something that really meant a lot. She said that I have to remember that I have conquered the monster which is depression already and that’s what I have to remember. That there will be those bad times but I have done it before and got myself up from that darkness and I can do it again. I do remember that but for some reason that is super hard to remember.
The thing with depression is that it comes little out of nowhere and then it’s on again. Sometimes it creeps on you really slowly and sometimes it needs just a tiny push and boom.
This month the biggest thing for me to start falling back down, was the fact that I “lost” running. I’m not yet strong enough to realize that it’s only for sometime and soon I can run again, or that I can do other sports while I get better. My mind was so much around running that when it was “taken” from me, it crushed me. Now I have 6 weeks till my first race, Berlin Half Marathon, is here and I have lost all interest in trying to get back there. I’m afraid of running or trying to run again because I’m afraid that maybe my injury is still there. I have lost the motivation to keep my body in shape so that when I can run again, I don’t start from the bottom. Yesterday I had this moment when I finally admitted that yes, I am depressed again and that it’s not only because of running, there are other personal things behind it, just bunch of things that made me feel like nothing. But I also realized that I do have a reason to keep trying and that’s why today I will go out and do some shopping that needs to be done, go out with the dog, and do some exercising that I think will make me feel better.
I promise to myself that I try. And I hope that end of today I can say that I did, which will make me feel better :). I have hope, even though the lows are at times really low, there are also those highs in my life I know that.