Rewriting MY Story.

Me this Monday (March 2014)

Me this Monday (March 2014)

ME Image… What we see when we look in to a mirror.

I don’t know if there’s anyone who is completely happy with their body. I have hated my body, I have wished that I could just slice some parts off. I’ve never wanted to hurt myself, I think I just didn’t hate myself enough. That sounds really weird or bad or whatever but that’s the reason. And I’m happy about that. It’s good to know that even when I feel like shit, I still have this teeny tiny voice inside of me that says that you’ll be fine.

This past year I’ve started really loving myself and who I truly am. That doesn’t mean that I love myself all day everyday, but it means that I don’t have hatred towards myself that much either. I’m rewriting who I am, with more positive outlook in life.

I’ve let my depression, other people, the thought what I think people are expecting from me, rule over the part of me that is amazing. I didn’t listen my inner self, I listened the one that cared so much what others were saying. Or that I thought were saying.

I’m turning 30 in couple of weeks and mostly I’ve been happy about it. It also brings those thoughts that have I done anything with my life, should I be further in my life, should I this or that. But I think I wasn’t ready before, I wasn’t ready to be brave enough to really look at myself and change the things that I wasn’t happy about. I was too afraid to see who I really am and what I really want from myself. And I know only parts of that at the moment, I learn more every day and I hope that learning never stops. I don’t want to be “ready”.

I have had these “power trip” moments so many times in my life, but they never actually went anywhere. They only jumped up and disappeared then. So nothing actually happened. Something is actually happening now, not only saying and not doing. And that is something I’m extremely proud of!

I feel that I haven’t really lived at all in my life until now. But this is the perfect time to start living and start rewriting my story. I actually started it already start of last year, and all that has been a preparation for this.

I started with body image… I’ve always known what I should do to be more happy with my mirror image, but I have just been too lazy and not caring enough about myself. Eating chips and saying I’m not good enough were more than getting up and actually changing something. It’s a lot easier to feel sorry for yourself than to be proud.

That picture in the beginning is me now, for me it shows that I’ve done so much since I started, it also shows that I still have part of that lazy not caring old me inside of me. But that’s okay, I don’t need to beat myself up for that. I don’t need to start eating nothing and doing some crazy exercises, because that’s not me. I think I’ve tried those in some level in my past. But the most important thing to me is that, that is me, real me. And let me tell you that it wasn’t the easiest thing to put that there, it’s not something that I wanted everyone to know…

But even through all those feelings, it’s me. I’m strong, inside and out! I’m in the middle of my journey and I don’t even want to look like those girls on “Fit Tumblrs” that are actually way too skinny and just wrong models to all of us. I want to be real, strong, me, healthy with little extra if that’s how I’m suppose to be. And I’m beautiful!

Those aren’t easy things to say and even believe, but I’m getting there. I’m liking this work in progress state of me. It means that something is happening. I’m excepting myself and that’s what we need to do first. I still have moments when I don’t feel good about something in me, but then I have more moments when I do and that is progress to better.

My body is quite amazing to be honest… I like that I have little booty, I like that I can have actual muscles if I work out, I love how I feel strong and powerful these days. And the stuff inside my head isn’t too bad either… :).

I have this song that I’ve always loved, but now that I’m writing this I heard it again and the meaning changed completely. I even have the song name tattooed on me because for me it has always meant a part of me, through everything I’m “Indestructible”.

“And I never was smart with love
I let the bad ones in and the good ones go
But I’m gonna love you like I’ve never been hurt before
I’m gonna love you like I’m indestructible
Your love is ultra magnetic and it’s taking over
This is hardcore
Ooh and I’m gonna love you like
Like I’ve never been hurt before
I’m gonna love you like I’m indestructible
Your love is ultra magnetic and it’s taking over
This is hardcore
And I’m indestructible”

Before it was about me being able to love someone else, a partner, but now it’s all about myself and being able to really love myself. That’s huge!

It’s really cool to get a chance from yourself to realize that I can start over, I’m not doomed!

The thing is that I can keep doing what I did before and keep feeling sorry for myself, but I will loose everything and everyone that I love if I do that. And I don’t really feel too good when I’m like that. So, I’m slowly learning how I can feel better and having people that make me feel better around me. It’s hard to put those imaginary boundaries out there and block some people out of your life, but it’s really important. For me it’s called ” healthy selfishness”. Also being able to say things that are hard to say, I need to do that for my own happiness, it’s not easy but it’s worth it. I’ve done some and it feels great afterwards! Winning! 🙂

The point is that I can either let other define me and be unhappy OR define myself and be happy! That is a hard thing to choose I know…

I have a real life superhero in my life, her name is Robin Arzon. I found her through social media and since then, one way or another, she’s been there for me and keeps pushing me in my journey to ME. She’s part of me believing all the good in me, loving myself and when I feel like I can’t run anymore I think of her and channel my inner Robin/Beyonce and things usually work out :). I’m ending this post with clip from CatalystCreativ Speaker series, where Robin was speaking. She made me cry with her words, because she spoke the truth. Something I knew but was too afraid to do. Thank you Robin for being a part of the force that pushes me to a better ME.

“YOU’RE THE CEO OF YOUR BODY” -Robin Arzon (my spirit animal)

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