I have a pattern. I probably have known it but just somehow realized it today. I have been sick with a flu since saturday morning and it’s getting me down, like back to my old depressed self down and it happens super fast.
The pattern is that every time I get sick or have some kind of low point in my life in general, I do certain things. And these are things I have managed to carry with me since my teenage years, nothing to be proud about here… I start scratching and picking my face like it did something wrong to me and I ended up with a face that I can’t go out with because it looks so bad. I know you might not believe me, but you can ask anyone in my family and they will tell you it’s true. And then I eat chips like I haven’t seen food ever in my lifetime. Some of you know Cookie Monster, I’m basically like him but with potato chips. I inhale them, not eat.
But, because I am not anymore who I was before, these acts start making me feel bad. Then I get really down with myself and look myself and say “why can’t you just stop?!”. I don’t know why… They are these weird anxiety dealing ways. Like I said I have had these for quite some time.
Firstly I don’t pick my face because I have a lot of impurities, I would have none if I wouldn’t do this. Secondly, I don’t eat potato chips because they are so good and make me feel good, nope, I don’t even have time for that when I am inhaling them. Afterwards all I can do, is wash my face and hope that it looks better soonish and hope that that full, little nauseous feeling in my belly goes away soon too. I never have puked or something like that. I don’t think it would make me feel any better.
These two are my go to- things when I feel down, but I’ve realized that I have some else, which are more “adult” ones. Past year or so, I started feeling really down about not having an university degree. I don’t have one because I have a dyslexia and some behavior problems as in it’s hard for me to concentrate when I was in school which made learning extremely hard for me. And I have always been better with just working with my hands or just doing practical work. But when I moved to Germany, one of the first things I learned was that if I don’t have a degree, I’m kind of doomed. I’ve never felt like that before but here it just somehow got to me. I feel like I’m not as good as my friends who have one, even if they don’t even work in that field or are happy in any way about having it. I just feel less. I feel like I’m this 30 year old with no future.
When I moved here I had big plans and none at the same time. After living here for more than a year, trying to figure this out and also not trying, I am done. I have finally admitted to myself that this is not my place.
And I actually have gotten an curveball from life, which shows me new possibilities and new and possibly happier place to live and even work. But now I’m scared. When I moved here I wasn’t scared like this, I just went.
I didn’t have anyone in Finland to make me stay, I felt that I need to go, for myself and my happiness. Now I feel guilty about following my dreams and going to somewhere else. The guilt comes from myself, not from outside. I have amazing support in my relationship and from my family, but I’m the one keeping me from doing something. I’m terrified and I don’t know why. Am I afraid that things might really be better and I might actually feel like I have a purpose and my days would be filled with “normal people things”… I think I am afraid of just that.
The thing is that this is strongly Old Me. It pisses me off. I have done so much this past year, I’ve done so much work with myself and made my life better for me. I have amazing friends around the world, seriously around the world! I have some bad experiences which I have manage to deal with grace and reminding myself that do what is good to you, don’t think what the others feel.
Also, what makes me feel super confused is that I have friends that care about me, for me. I had some before, but for me it was different. I still have one, from my old life as in Finland, who I love and hope to never lose. But this is different, for me having people who care about me and who I feel get me and are on the same level, is strange. I don’t know how to take that, I get all weirded out. I feel that whatever happened in my teenage years and me growing up too fast, left me empty of those skills that you learn those years. And I’m trying to learn them now, as I am already an adult. Let me tell you, it’s not too easy…
I also feel more alone now, after being for a week with people so likeminded and different that I felt that I belong, finally. When I came back home from Berlin I felt like I have this home with these people, but after some time passing by I realized how alone I am here and there the search for better started. But even with this amazing support from my friends, I feel like I am stuck and don’t know what to do to make myself happy and get to that better place. And that pisses me off! I hate that I’m not strong enough to just push on and seeing what happens, I hate that I am scared because I have something in my life that I am afraid to lose. I hate that I see myself from the mirror in the old way.
I know that when I get better and back to running, I start feeling better, I know it. But these few small days can make me feel so down and depressed and I hate this! Me and my depression are not friends, and we shouldn’t be. But this is so hard sometimes. I am so tired of feeling like this. But the only thing I can do is accept this and try to remember the good in me, which I have and give myself a break. I am good enough like this and I should remember that.