Let me tell you, that shit is hard! To think positive about your body, your temple, your buddy for life.
We don’t always get along, at all… There are days when you look in the mirror and it’s impossible to see anything good, then there are days when you only see good. The latter ones are what I wish to see more, when I look in the mirror, just look at myself and see good.
This post is not about me hating my body, because that would be a lie. I don’t hate my body, I really like mine. But it’s more like a pressure from outside that makes me feel like shit at times. This weird wordless pressure. You push it away and don’t think about it, but sometimes it goes in through your skin and you just feel shitty about some small thing, which might grow to bigger out of nowhere.
I’ve been little low on motivation, when it comes to running and keeping myself on top of my game. It somehow started start of this year and just kept going and going and not letting me be free from doubt. I’ve obviously had good moments and days, but there’s been this underlying of negative doubt. That has made me loose my grip on my food choices and my want to push on with my training with positive attitude. So it’s been a bit of a jo-jo these past months.
And now, I’m in the beginning of my marathon training and it’s been really hard to get going and really enjoy the process. I think I lost my hope when it comes to running and how much it really has done to me. I lost it because so many people didn’t understand that huge change in me and put that passion and importance down, so that it started to be hard to believe that it really had happened. Somehow it was hard to believe in myself when others didn’t see what they wanted to see.
I’ve also noticed that it’s hard for some people to be okay with you to change, to be in a better place, to be happier and more positive. Maybe it somehow makes them feel shittier about something in their own life, I don’t really know. But putting the person down one way or another is something that people love to do. Positivity is not okay in this world. It’s expected but it’s not okay. It’s way better to be little negative about everything and find first the bad and then maybe, just maybe the good.
I feel that it’s so easy these days to put your opinion out there that people totally forget about being respectful of other peoples feelings and that something might not be a joke to them. I am thinking that would all those people who have big opinions ever really say them to your face, in a real face to face situation? I don’t think so, and that bothers me. Why do you need to say something if you wouldn’t say it otherwise…
Back to the body… When you are going through this kind of huge change in yourself as I have the past year, you are really sensitive to comments and reactions from outside, because you are not yet 100% sure how you feel about all of that. Change is hard without all of that but with that it feels at times impossible.
When ever the change has physical activity in it, it makes it okay for people to call you whatever and have great opinions about your choices. All of sudden everyone becomes an expert in exactly what you are doing. That’s just how it goes, no if or buts.
So, I am really happy that I have people that have gone through the same change as me, it makes it a lot easier to push on, not think that you are doing something wrong.
My body, my temple, my buddy for life… I watched couple amazing Tedtalks from Christopher McDougall, about barefoot running. He’s one of my favorite writers and has written this amazing book called “Born To Run”. What he managed to do to me, was that he said in the end of the other video, “first easy and fun, then fast”. That hit me so hard. If you run and especially if you want to run races, people start asking you about your time goals and how fast this and that. That can make you go all “I need to get faster, because!”, but that will surely also take the enjoyment out of your happy place. That has happened to me. And after hearing him saying that, it kind of opened to me. I don’t need to do anything other than enjoy what I like to do, and while I do that I might get faster too, but that is not the goal. The goal is to fulfill the dreams that I have. Because I will get to the finish line, even if I am a bit slower than it would be “cool” to be.
The same morning that I watched the video, I read this amazing article about how we should embrace who we are with all we are, why we are shaming our bodies because someone who fixed a photo with a computer thinks that that’s how we should look. Boom, another great eyeopener!
After those two, I went for my run. I didn’t take my phone like I always do, so I can take a photo during my run. I didn’t want to watch what my pace was, I just wanted to run without any pressure and enjoy it. And after too many months I finally did again! That feeling, amazing!
I was just cheering to myself in my head, I was telling myself how awesome I am, how brave I am, how beautiful I am, just whatever came to my mind.
The thing is that we all have cellulite, we all have wiggly parts in our bodies, we all have something that we would love to change but would that make us any happier? And would it even matter if and when we have something of those?! It shouldn’t.
Random jump, but you get the point… I bought these super nice and cool running shorts. They are called split shorts or in Finland we call them Lasse Viren because he used to run with them on. Basically they are shorts that are a bit open from the side and loose. So when you run they are super free for your movement and flash a bit of bum too. I have been super conscious about my butt for, well, always. I’ve liked it but the change in your behind while go grow older and go through life changes can be terrifying. Especially if that entails being depressed a lot and eating to your pain. Since my early teenage years I haven’t used shorts at summertime at all. Only couple years ago when I was a bike messenger and felt that my legs looked nice and then this summer.
I was so conscious about my figure and that I had and have cellulite that I thought that others will see that as bad as I. But somehow through running I have gotten angry at that part of me. What does it really matter if I have cellulite, it keeps me warm at winter, I think.
So, the first time I went for a run with those shorts, I felt all empowered. Those tiny split shorts made me feel all powerful, strong, sexy and good! And like my good friend said, if you can go out in those, then others have to give you props :). The thing is that they make me feel better about myself, so I will definitely keep wearing them.
I may not be all that I am expected to be, or whatever, but I am ME. Once I truly get that, I believe that I will be happier everyday.
I think that I am quite great, beautiful, strong, capable, fabulous, sexy, ME.
So I’m going to a better direction with that in mind, slowly getting better, sometimes going backwards but knowing that I can get myself out of that and keep going.
I need to thank you Christopher McDougall, that article on ElephantJournal, this interview about one of my heros, Leigh Gerson, Beyonce for being always an inspiration to me and reminding me of certain things and those split shorts (I have two pairs already 😉 ).
The main thing is that what we need to change is what we have inside, not what we have outside.
That is (Body)Positive!
Here’s links to those Tedtalks and that article, or two of them :).