I finally admitted to myself that it’s time for me to leave Germany behind.
It seems that it took me about the same time to admit that than what I have been living here, which is almost two years.
I made the decision to move here on a pure whim, no real thinking behind it, just wanted to do that thing that I have only been talking and wanted definitely to show that I will really go through with it, not that I wanted to admit that at all. I didn’t have anything why I felt that I should stay in Finland. It was easy to just pack and go.
Now, everything is different. I have that something in my life, what is really hard to leave behind, even for a while, not forever. I have that support that I felt that I didn’t have before, I have a person in my life that makes me better, loves me, pushes me, supports me. He’s my family, my rock, my home.
And I have people in my life that support me, love me, are crazy about the same things, friends that I didn’t have ever before. Though the good thing with them is that they are spread pretty much around the world.
I won’t miss too many things from Germany after I leave. This is just not my place, never was, doesn’t matter how hard I tried and lied to myself that all will be okay. But that second I admitted to myself that it’s totally okay to not like some place and say that not this anymore. That will drop this huge weight from your shoulders and heart and you feel like you are free!
But then the fear step in to this new unknown happiness, it creeps in with million questions. Questions that make you feel almost nauseous. Make your heart beat a bit too fast and make you take deep breaths just to calm your heart and mind.
I have no 100% certainty of our destination, but I have a place that I feel could be our happy place. A place where I could breath again, feel like the true me, a place where I could be just who I want to be and push myself, place where I can use what I know and show that through work.
It’s really hard to make selfish, healthy selfish, decisions like this when you have a family of your own. But sometimes it’s just needed. Your personal happiness has to be number one to you at times.
And I don’t give myself any credit for the fact that I jumped to unknown once before. I feel like people are talking about someone else when they say how brave I am to just move without a plan, or in general the fact that I left my home country. It’s weird thinking that I have done something special, I don’t know why, but that’s how it is in my head. I don’t see that brave part at all, maybe I would like to.
Things that I know are that I want to have a life again, not this half way nothing. I want to be close to sea again, hear the seagulls at summer, be able to go and buy clothes (from somewhere else than H&M), feel more like I belong, have a place to call home, make a home that looks and feels like mine, I want to work again, be that amazing customer service lady that I have been, use my skills, leave depression and unhappiness behind. And I know that I don’t want to go back to Finland.
I am terrified of all this, but I know that I can do this, I need this for my and my dogs sanity. This shit scares me to the core. I suck at asking help and now is the time to do exactly that and use those contacts that I have. It’s time to go after happiness and see if the next place is closer to my happy place. I don’t want to waste anymore time. I have so much good in my life and so much more to come if I just give it the change. So I will tip toe over my fears and go after what I need.