Still There, But I Keep Pushing On



Today was one those days, those that remind me that I still have depression and it didn’t magically go away, even though I have been feeling so much better lately.

I’m in a place in my life when I have tools to deal with my depression, but I think that saying that you can fully heal from depression is wrong. I think that you have it all your life, but you find ways to live with it. And that’s what I’ve learnt how to do.

But still there are days when the ugly head of depression comes from nowhere and it takes the air out of you. How you take those moments, is up to you.

Today was such an beautiful day, crisp sunny fall day… And my whole being was saying that I don’t want to run, but then I started thinking. I can let my mind decide something for me, or I can make the reality I live in and choose. And that’s not easy, it takes a lot of willpower to change that.

I think I got mad today at my depression.

I was yelling to it that I am in my WARRIOR mode and I’m not going to give in today!! Fuck you for trying to ruin my day!!

And I had this funny feeling that I want to run after dark, almost like to embrace that fear of it all. I wanted to kick that fear to the curb! And off I went, and never felt that strong or at least in a long time. The Warrior in me was there to run that fear away!

This time of the year is hard, especially if you have something that naturally can pull you down at times. When the days get shorter and the darkness creeks in earlier, it’s easy to get down and depressed. When the sun isn’t there, we have to make our own sunshine. Decide when we wake up that today will be good. Remember to enjoy those teeny tiny things that make us happy. It’s the little things, we just have to remember that! And when you look yourself in the mirror, say to yourself ” You look nice, I love you, You are really nice and You got this, don’t worry!”. After a while, saying nice, positive and supportive things to yourself, you start feeling that and saying them doesn’t feel ridiculous anymore. Because it works and you love yourself.

I have done that practice now for a good year, even those days when I least want to do that, but it does work and I love myself these days, even days like today. ❤

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