All That Doubt

IMG_5317Once in a while the doubt gets us, and oh boy did that happen today to me…

The past week has been so much of everything new, new work, new routines, new this and new that. And I noticed slowly that I’m not sure how to take it all. So end of last week my whole being was taken over by this over anxiety and restlessness.

This last year I’ve gotten to know myself a lot better again than before, I read few good articles and got to know few good people who opened these doors for me that I really needed to understand myself better.

Before this year I had no idea what an introvert is, now I know and realize that Hello, I am one of them too. Huge relief. Then a friend said that I should read this book, called “The Highly Sensitive Person”. Well, Hello again!

Now that I understand myself better my life is better and it’s easier for me to stay calm in situations that before were difficult. But that doesn’t take that away that sometimes all feels too much.

Not working in over two years and all of sudden get the chance to do something that you only wished. Seeing so many people out of the blue. Being out there all the time, when you know you need that solo quiet time a lot too. You want to push yourself because it all feels nice, but at the same time you miss all the old calmness.

While all feels super nice, it takes so much out of you that you are super exhausted. That happened to me big time. And I started doubting myself, feeling all down and almost angry. I noticed that all of sudden I didn’t believe in myself with all that I knew that I could do. I didn’t want to give up but that old me starting raising it’s head.

I noticed that now that so many runners that I know are running more trails and ultras, I felt all bad. I felt that that thing that had been super special to me is all of sudden all regular everyday thing and I was thinking that why am I doing this, it’s the same as everyone is doing. Nothing special…

I was running today, and I felt so anxious and sad and angry and exhausted and full of doubt that I almost started crying during my run. I actually asked myself out loud that “why are you feeling so useless?”. And I couldn’t answer to myself.

I only wanted to be in the forest for at least the next 3 hours and I knew that I only have time for little over 30min… So I felt even more anxious.

My old way of dealing with moments like this is to compare myself to others, which obviously makes me feel even worse, what a surprise! I got caught by doing this, thank  you Mom! I needed that shake up to reality and who I am really am these days.

I have noticed too that I get afraid of not being able to run as much as I want, now that I am getting back to “normal people” routines. But the truth is that I have all the time in the world, I just have to keep that time for myself when I need it. And I really need running.

This is all a learning process, it’s never easy but I am ready to embrace it all. I want to be honest in my fears to myself and rather say them out loud and got that shake up to reality than not saying anything. This is a moment for me to look at my situation and go forward. That’s what I’m going to do.


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