For the past 6 months at least, I have notice this change in myself. I yearn for a place that I can be alone in peace, in the middle of fields or forest or just any nature. I yearn to live more simply. With less. To have my life in a backpack and that’s it. Well, books with that, but maybe they could fit in there too.
The more I get to know who I really am, the more I know which direction I want to go. Like Buddha said “The trouble is, you think you have time.”. I feel like my life has started for the first time this year and I want to make the most of it. Not put my yearnings under a mat anymore. I want to go forward.
Now that I am working again, I yearn more of my dirtbaggery days, when I could just run and be out in the nature for a good 3 hours. But at the same time I know that without working at least a bit, I’m not able to do what I want in my future. And I am enjoying my work so it’s just an adjustment.
But balancing your dirtbaggery dreams to your “normal, grown up, proper” life, isn’t too easy. I notice how the moment I have bit of money and I talk about nothing in general level, I feel this pressure, like all of sudden I need to be able to do something. When you have no money, no one expects anything. This all might sound really selfish and dickheadish. I don’t mean that I want to free ride on others my life, no no no. I mean that I am okay to live with really little, I find that to make me feel better. But it’s not generally okay this day of the world. We need to have the best and the newest and more more more all the time!
I was once like that, but I did that to hide how I was really feeling. And after crashing and burning hard, I realized that no materialistic matter will make me happy, if I don’t take a good, long look at myself and go through those dark places to find the light, in a way.
I’m 30 now, so I have most of my life ahead of me. The last 10 years were the hardest in my life, my 20’s were not anyhow times that I feel that I need to reminisce. Well maybe if I want to remind myself of how I shouldn’t do things…
Next year, 2015, is going to be a year that I want to show myself that I love myself enough to go forward with my dreams, and not listen what others feel about them.
My ultimate dream is to be able to run as much in the trails as possible, write about things that I find passionate and live as simply as possible.
But I also feel and see this pressure now that I am back in the “real, grown up” world. All of sudden I think that my winter jacket isn’t fashionable enough, do I have shoes that make me look cool enough, I don’t have any shirt that I would like to wear… Those ridiculous thoughts that don’t mean a thing. But still they come from nowhere and torment your mind. I hate that. That’s exactly what I wanted to leave behind. This doesn’t mean that I want to not care at all how I look, I do respect the occasion where I go and the people there with the choices I do with what I have on. But I have no need or want to go into this moremoremore thinking.
My Grandpa said to me when I was younger, the best advice: ” A poor man doesn’t have the money to buy cheap”. Meaning that when you don’t have a lot of money, you have to make smart decisions with how you use your money. So at the moment I rather save money to be able to buy something really long lasting and quality whatever. These days that’s not the easiest thing to find. But I have always being inspired by Patagonias way of doing business. They have figured how to make long lasting sustainable products, with the greatest respect to the nature and keeping it alive.
I saw this amazing movie last night, “Tracks”. One woman’s journey to be in peace and alone. Walking through Australian desert alone, with three camels and a dog. After I saw the trailer I knew that I need to see the movie. It touched so close to me and my yearning. I knew exactly what she meant with wanting to just be alone. Oh, how I know that feeling! But also learning that sometimes we need help and other people too. If you go and see one movie this year, make it that one, you won’t be disappointed.
I know that I share my journey quite openly here and in my Instagram, but I don’t find me being open with my feelings that bad. I understand that it’s not the easiest thing to do for most of us. It’s not to me either, I just have learned that it helps me go forward and is therapeutic for me. And if I can inspire or motivate or what ever someone, then I am doing something good.
So, my goal from no on is to follow my heart and going towards my dreams, even when others don’t understand them. I have to be true to myself while respecting others in their dreams and choices. I don’t know yet what will be my “Tracks”, but I know that that’s what I am meant to do, to be able to stay true to myself. PMA. ❤