Everyone who lives with depression, knows that there are days or times, when it’s super hard to feel happy or basically anything. That doesn’t mean that it’s a constant feeling, but at times it gets us in that numb place with a lot of things in our minds.
I’m there now.
I think it came from having “too” much good things in my life all of sudden. I felt that it drowned me with feelings that I had no idea how to cope with. For most of my life I have tried my hardest to turn all the good away. I didn’t let myself have anything good in my life, because I either felt that I don’t deserve it or didn’t know how to take it. And now, after really hard work, I know and believe that I deserve all the good like anyone else. But taking it in isn’t any easier now, but my mindset is… a bit.
There are days when getting up is the hardest thing. When the thought of going out for a run, feels so hard that you want to cry. Even when you know that that is the thing that makes you feel so much better. But getting up, dressing and taking that step to go out, feels the biggest ever. You have days when smiling is the hardest, you kind of have this numb nothing face on and no idea how to turn it to happier or even a bit upwards. You find yourself staring at the wall or outside of the window with nothing in your head, nothing. And everything, just everything feels like a insanely huge task.
One of my bad habits is to be so much for others that I loose myself and forget what I need to be able to be for others. It happened again after really long time. I tried to excel in my job, in helping my friends, in my goals, in helping in projects that I found super interesting and beneficial in my own goals. But too much is too much, for anyone, but for someone like me… It’s just way too much. I haven’t worked properly in more than two years, almost three. I haven’t had dreams and goals, well…ever. I haven’t had this kind of social life, well that was my own fault, I just didn’t let anyone in my life before. But now I have those all and in a way more. And that is super overwhelming!
My old, calm, super peaceful, uneventful life has completely changed to this fast paced, something coming from somewhere all the time life. My phone has never peeped this much…
For a moment that felt super amazing and nice, but I’m not equipped yet to handle that all. So after it sucked me in to this happy train, it also made me feel like I am drowning and so fast that I didn’t know how to get off. And my body figured that it has to stop me, because my head is not in the right place. I have to thank my body, but maybe it would be good to learn step by step to listen the signs, even when in this fast paced life.
But the thing is that I have no interest in this “hurryhurryhurry” life. Which feels like the desired thing these days. Why?! The faster we are expected to go, the shittier we feel. And that equals good, how?!
I have no problem doing things and going forward but I do have a problem with the world expecting us all to be the same. I have no intention of being like everyone else. But that also means that I have to sometimes fight, in my own way against the system. Listening to your own heart, while being super sensitive, possible introverted, having depression and insecurities in the background, while moving forward in this world… That shit is hard!
So I would like to give my hats to everyone who actually pushes through with all that!
As I am typing this, I can feel how the anxiety is getting easier and how I am able to see things in a bit more positive light again. Writing, like running, does that to me and I am grateful for that. My depression doesn’t drown me anymore that much, it reminds of itself at times, like this week. But it doesn’t get the hold anymore like it did before. In a way I am grateful for depression, because even with it’s darkest moments, I am who I am and I’ve found this power in this thing that we still try to push to the side as it’s not real. It’s very real and it keeps too many people from loving themselves, believing in themselves, chasing their dreams, anything.
I rather write and talk and show these moments, because maybe, just maybe I can make one person feel like they matter when they least feel that way.
One step at a time, one breath at a time, we can do this.