Yes, that time of the year, when most people sum up their year and I noticed today that I’m doing that too. Not the way that I hoped though…
As usual flu seems to get me so down that it almost feels embarrassing, and this time was no exception. I had big plans on how to end my 2014, but I got this massive zombieflu that has taken me out for over a week.
So I have been feeling down and all kinds of fears of missing out on everything, and when I started getting all my frustration out, the real reason hit me.
It’s this time of the year, which doesn’t usually make me feel nothing special, as I am adult with no kids. But I realized that this year is going to be different in so many ways. Four months ago I lost my Grandma. And she has always been the person who have made Christmas as special as it can be.
If that isn’t enough, in the past four month, my life has changed so much that I still don’t feel that I understand what’s going in on. I feel that the past month I have been going forward in a fog. Just pushing through without any idea what I am doing. I’ve felt that all is just piling up and I can’t catch the end and get it all figured.
Four months isn’t that long time, which I have to remind myself all the time, without believing it.
At the same time as I should have been grieving and thinking of myself and giving myself time, I’ve felt that I’ve only been there for others. Pushed on and stayed strong for others, like it’s my job. I’ve been so exhausted most of the time that I’ve been going on like with some autopilot.
I know how being and feeling numb feels from depression, but this is completely new. I’ve never pushed on this strong in my life. And now I’m not sure if I’ve gotten that much for myself. Other than what I know… I’ve been super hard on myself the whole four months. I’ve made myself feel super guilty if I haven’t been able to do something, or if I’ve been sick, like I could do anything to that.
On top of that guilt tripping I’m trying to figure out where and how and this and that with my life, so in short, will I stay in Finland or where I will be in a year. And on top of that I have the biggest year coming, for me the biggest year.
There are moments when I just want to have a break from my head. It annoys me so much that I know that I should just take this all day at a time, but I don’t give myself any break in doing so.
And in the past four months I’ve had mostly amazing new things happening to me, but at the time, all I can think of is that I won’t be with my favorite people this Christmas. All of sudden this Christmas is way bigger than it maybe should. All of sudden I feel really alone.
I just really miss my Grandma. The fact that she won’t be with us, is slowly but painfully sinking in.
Next week I will have my first Christmas without her, but at the same time my first chance to have some time for myself, so maybe this is my time to get that break from all everyday stuff and just go day by day with all. I really think I need this. I’m not even at home surrounded with all normal, I’m in a place where I really can breath and have that break.
But I have to admit that I am afraid of that exact thing. To have that time to actually feel all that has been bottling inside me is terrifying.
Other thing that makes me feel a bit annoyed and confused is how important running is to me. Now that I haven’t been able to run, I’ve felt like I have nothing. That is partly because of me being sick, it always happens when I have a flu and I can’t run.
Running is such an life changing thing for me that I am terrified if I couldn’t do it.
There are couple of things I need to address next week, to be able to go forward in my life. And I know that they aren’t anything that can be sorted in a week but it’s a start and in a way I can’t wait to have that break.
But I really need this. I have to give time for myself and a moment to realize what has happened, without the need to rush on.