But the main thing is that I don’t seem to understand how much good has happened to me this past year. Others seem to see it, but I’m in this weird bubble of not realizing.
Today I went through my blog for the past year, checking the posts that I’ve written. Noticing how much has happened in really short time. Mostly really good things, a lot of doubt, some deep depression, and a lot of running. I’ve lost a lot in 2014, but I think I’ve gained even more.
The Spring was a lot of down moments, injuries and learning from them. And falling into depression from that all, but getting up and running my first Half Marathon in Berlin. Getting adopted to a running crew, Still Waters Run Deep MCR, to have a running family to call mine. Having my first interview, on Reason To Play, crazy important to me. Thank you Karen! I turned 30, and was stoked about that. Had the best birthday party with tacos and so much love! Trying to find who I am and what I want in my life. Finding so many new friends, the closest these days. Finally broke that 1000km that I was chasing. Started to train for my first Marathon that I never ran. Visiting family in Finland with a new mindset and had the best time.
The Summer time, wow! Things really started to move forward, there were a lot of things happening in Hannover, not nice things, that pushed me forward. Ran the nicest Half in Hackney, taking a crewmember and close friend to the finish line, Jamie, I’ll always keep that memory super close to my heart! That time in London got me so much more me, that I had been yearning. And got me so amazing new friends that boom! Those new friends helped me with the next chapter in my life. I finally admitted to myself that I need to move away from Germany, to be able to be truly happy. And all of sudden I was moving to Copenhagen to an amazing adopting family, Christina and the kids, you in my heart! 🙂
The Fall… I moved to Copenhagen, realized that I am in a long distance relationship for real. Had the most amazing first two weeks in my new home city and then the bomb dropped with full force. My Grandma passed away. It felt like all stopped. I was alone in a new place, couldn’t say my goodbyes, even though I knew that we had said all that we wanted. But still, her passing threw my whole life upside down. All of sudden I was so lost and didn’t know what to do. And one day I knew what I need to do, I need to move back home to Finland to be with my family. So I made the decision and this huge burden lifted from my shoulders. But before that I ran the Copenhagen Half in my Grandmas memory, to take the medal to her grave. I got the change to be my last weekend with all my international running family and my crew members, could not ask for anything better in that time of my deepest sadness. So much love and support that it just took over all the pain and carried me on. Thank you to all of you! ❤
And then I was back in Finland. My own family had been ripped in three, one in Germany, me in Finland and even my longest familymember, my dog had to be away from me. He has the best “step”home now, with his amazing Uncle :). No love lost there! But being without him and my bf isn’t the easiest, day by day situation but we do the best we can.
I had to deal or try to deal with the loss of my Grandma. Still no idea how at times, but day by day that gets easier. Trying to remember all the good, and there are a lot of those moments.
Living at my parents place, confused but happy to be with my family. All of sudden starting my new job, after not working for good three years. Just jumping in the deep end. Enjoying and terrified at the same time. Seeing Helsinki in new eyes, seeing way more good than ever before. But noticing that I am here only for little while, my journey is still not ready for settling in one place. At this time I wrote my first piece for Pavement Bound, new amazing website about all things running, where I’m one of the contributors at the moment.
And then things just started going forward so fast that I am still trying to figure out what is going on… I started running only in a forest, really giving myself the change to learn how to be in silence with myself and the nature. Really knowing that that is my happyplace and I just have no interest in running on the road if I don’t have to anymore. I had already signed for my first Ultra, Fyr til Fyr, this April in Bornholm, but I wanted more. So I signed up for White Rose Ultra, which is going to be in UK, also it’s going to be a 100KM. Dreams are meant to be making true!
I found this amazing new brand from Finland, called Arctic Warriors and I contacted them. And after some mails, I had them as my first sponsor for my Goals2015! They make the most amazing supplements, all locally grown and using old knowledge with the plants in them. Then when I was just searching for a Patagonia jacket and ended up finding one at Ruoto For Flyfishing store, talking more and more with the owner, Joonas. Ending the conversation to the deal of me being a trail running ambassador for their store, using Patagonia! Just maybe a week before this, I told to my friend that my goal is to be a runner for Patagonia! 😀 Not there yet, but the door is open and I’m ready for the adventure!
I started yearning simpler life and wrote a piece here about wanting a dirtbaggery life. And just before Christmas I was chosen to be an ambassador for Dirtbag Runners, which was insane dream come true!
So how can I sum up this year?! It’s been the hardest and the best year ever in my life! Every day brings something new, most of the time I have no idea what is coming and I’m slowly starting to be okay with it. My family is all over the place, my friends are even more all over the place and I feel like the luckiest girl in the world! Never had this much support and love in my life. I never knew that I can be in this great place with myself after all what’s happened. But here I am, sometimes sobbing my eyes out but most of the time smiling, because everything is pretty great and I am pushing forward, doubt and all. I definitely forgot a lot from here, but the main point is that I am in a good place and my dreams are getting closer to being reality every day. I have to believe in myself and them and they will come true! The struggle might be real but I have amazing belief in going through it no matter what haha :).
Thank you to all that I have in my life, I could not go through this year without you. Your love and support are the biggest blessings in my life and I am so grateful to have family and friends all over the world. Thank you! ❤