Fear, Guilt and All That Jazz

If I counted right I have 88 days before my first Ultra Marathon, Fyr til Fyr. 88 days to get my head sorted. I’m not that worried about my body.

Okay, end of last year, last four days of it I was running on average 15km a day to get to 1000km. A challenge set by my crew mates and I really didn’t want to be the one who didn’t get it. I did it and all was well. After that I decided to give myself little time off, as I had the best week ahead of me with my boyfriend. But that “freetime” ended already last Friday morning, but I was still on that same mode yesterday evening. When I finally felt so guilty of not training in any form during the whole weekend that I actually called to my boyfriend to tell all about my frustration and he just said “get off your ass to the gym you can do it and I’m proud of you!”. And I called to my coach to ask how many I was supposed to do of all my moves. So there I had two people, who I was accountable to. Not that either of them would say anything mean if I didn’t do anything, but the fact was in my head and that was all I needed. So sometimes guilt can be the best motivator!

End of last year I had all these great plans on how I will train for this Ultra. But actually doing them feels like I am failing already. Why am I being so hard on myself?!

I would like to train in silence and then just do the thing. But I’m torn with the notion that I’ve told about my plans, I’ve gotten some sponsors to help me in my plans and here I am, not believing in myself?!! Get your shit together!!

Today I was running, because part of me wanted and part of me guilt tripped me in to it. It felt terrible, because of my lack of interest in real food that makes me feel good, and the fact that I haven’t done that much. And possibly last nights kettlebell workout that really hurts now. But I was bitching and moaning to myself while I was moving and I had to make these things in my head like, “to that buss stop” or “after 5km you still have quite a few to go in couple of months”. I got mad at myself, obviously. I wanted to stop, because it didn’t feel like I was flying. I didn’t like myself at all for the fact that I have signed up for something that I have no idea (at the moment) how to finish.

The main point under this all is this… I am afraid of the distance.

Or the unknown part of the distance.

When I started running I was feeling like this about running a 10K. Then I did it and felt like the biggest winner. Then the defining moment in my personal change was the day when I ran 15,4km and didn’t believe that I did it! I actually asked our roommate to check the map, to say that I actually did it. Myself. Then I decided to just run a Half Marathon distance for my own fun, and I did it! This all pretty much happened in one month.

So, yeah I really have a reason to be this afraid…

For some reason that Marathon distance is haunting me like crazy. I think there’s couple of reasons for that. One, my boyfriend said to me(for a good reason) that I’m not allowed to run an Ultra before I’ve run an Marathon. Then I got a place for Berlin Marathon last year, but because of losing Grandma, I had to defer it to this year. But since I didn’t do it, that distance is just haunting and haunting me and makes me feel like without it I’m nothing. That is pretty much the second reason.

All in my head.

That’s it. It’s all in my head.

A friend of mine said to me, if you already ran 29km you can run 59km, then you are able to run 100km. There’s a point in this. Because it’s all in your head. Your body is able to do things that is just insane, so it’s all in your head.

And my head is not in the right place at the moment. I’m guilt ripping myself of things that only hold me back and don’t make any difference. I’m afraid of something that is impossible for me to know before I have done it. And I’m thinking too far ahead. None of these are going to help me forward. In making my dream come true. And that’s what I’m supposed to remember, this is MY DREAM to run that Ultra. It’s next to the ocean, on every surface possible, there WILL be seagulls, there will be (probably) stormy winds. Everything I love and I am making my own life a living hell because I’m AFRAID?!

Way to go me!

So, I think it’s time to put my big girl pants on and get a new mindset. If the one that I love the most is proud of me and believes in me, I should too. He knows better. Enough of this useless bitching and moaning and more work towards that dream of mine!

Yes, this post is very much of a NoteToSelf and I truly needed this. Also I needed to see this video and feel like I am ridiculous. Thank you Grant for being so awesome!! Your rock!!

” I even love Love.”

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