Depression, I’m so tired of you! I’m angry at you! I’m pissed of that you come and try to knock me down when I feel my weakest! Not anymore! NO!
For the first time ever, I am angry at my depression. This time it got me so out of nowhere that I had no idea before it was all in and on me.
It’s been a rough 6 months and now, all of sudden, I have time to feel and think everything that has happened. And that meant that I had so power in me anymore. I was out of it all. I miss my boyfriend like crazy, I miss us. I miss my friends so much. I miss a place I’ve never even been to yet. I feel like I’m stuck and don’t know how to get out.
Today, I felt that I need to try to articulate how this all feels. And the hardest for me is to say that I’m depressed(again)to my closest person. Though he and all who are close to me, know that usually before me. But the fact that I say it to him, makes me feel ashamed. No reason for that, but it does.
When I’m depressed, my mind messes with my all. It tells me that I’m no good. That my boyfriend doesn’t want to be with me anymore. That it can kick me down and that I have no choice of getting back up. That it can just suck me in it’s darkness. It lies to me, so much that I have to fight it to get out. It tries to make me believe that I have no good in me. Nothing to keep fighting. That I haven’t gone forward. It lies to me to my core. It tries to be the master of me.
But this time, I understood the situation. I said what makes me mad, what it all feels like. I felt that through all the darkness and sadness, I was the one who decided what’s going to happen. Maybe it was so, because I said out loud that I am depressed, which is hard for me. No matter how much I am able to write about it. In a way I felt like I have some control of the situation, even though I felt like I was drowning in it all.
What I am happy about, so happy, is that I have few people that I am able to talk about this all. My boyfriend is the one who can make me feel like it all will be okay, with only listening and being there for me. Talking about this all is definitely my savior. I might have a tendency to be too much alone, to now get myself out and about and try to give myself other things to think than this. But I am trying to get better, I tried really hard today to not be alone with this all. I was alone, but with the best companion I could think of. Three and a half hour walk with my dog, that stuff heals your soul. And I miss having him with me all the time. But today, he healed me. Maybe that sounds weird but I’m pretty sure dog owners understand me on this.
I’m so tired of depression. I am tired of having that as a burden to carry. I hate what it does to me. I wish that I wouldn’t have to cry my eyes out at times and feel like I have nothing in me. I have more tools to live with it, and I don’t fall in to it that often. But maybe that’s the reason why those falls feel that much worse. I wish that someone could punch me so hard on my head that the force would just shoot the depression out of me. Wishful thinking…
I think it’s progress that I am angry at it. I’m not giving it all the power anymore. I’m really fighting. Maybe I’m getting the better of it this time, and I wish that I am able to keep this like this.