I feel like I’m some weird alien at times with my ever growing “less is more” thinking. And I’ve started to feel really anxious now when I have a bit more stuff. And for a “normal” person the amount would feel like ridiculous as it’s not that much but for me, it’s just too much.
When I moved back to Finland, my whole life pretty much fit in two suitcases and I loved that. Now it probably still does but I feel like those suitcases are a bit too full. And when I start feeling like I start growing roots, I feel like I have no way out anymore. Like I am giving up on my plans, which is also not true. But having more makes me not feel good.
I think I have a bit confused relationship with materia. When I was around 20, I didn’t think that less could be more, I had my first proper job and I was surrounded with people who always had the new and certain stuff and look. I wanted that because to me at the time, it meant that I am somebody and will get something magical if I do and wear what they are. How wrong was I…
And for a really long time I used materia to not feel as shitty as I really feel. I hid my depression under all that stuff. If I felt bad, I bought something, or ate like crazy. The day when I lost my credits was one of the best for me. Even though my life has been a lot harder after that but still, under it all it’s a blessing. Though that was long time ago, it still is in my life and it really made me start thinking how to live my life. That part took me good 5 years… Because the last couple of years were the first time I actually had to leave all the lying to myself and get down from my high horse and really look the situation straight in the face and admit that I suck and that I have to suck it up and change my whole way of being and living.
That stuff humbles you in the biggest way possible, if you are willing to feel like the shittiest person in the world for a while… It has and it still does quite often.
But it also made me realize what is really important to me. It made me look at my life, myself and what I thought was important and what not. It made me really ask for help, which I still suck, but I had to. And receive help, which is the hardest thing to do EVER!
Now after everything, when I’m feeling happier and better when I have less, it makes me wonder why in this world we are lusting over with new, more, better, faster all the time? What does it give to us? No patience, insecurities, money problems, loosing the touch with the real things. That’s how I feel.
And that doesn’t mean that I expect that everyone thinks this way, I don’t. But it just makes me wonder how different I personally was just two years ago. It’s scary actually. And sad, because it took me a good 10 years to be so lost and just let my life slip away.
So when I was turning 30 last spring, I wasn’t scared, I was so excited. Because it felt like I have a new chance, like a new start and the truth is that I have more in front of me than behind. But that also meant that it was and is only me who controls my future and my happiness. And that stuff is scary and challenging.
So where am I now… I want to be able to live simply and humbly, nothing extra, because I don’t need that. The “things” that are really important to me aren’t really things. If I can have the people I love and who love me, I am really rich. If I’m able to run and be active, I’m winning. Being in nature and look at the stars and eat berries on my runs, I’m basically on top of the world. I want to live here, so that there’s at least the same left after me or maybe I can give something back so there’s more.
These days when I even think of buying something, I try my hardest to think if I can find that, for example jeans, made in a way that’s somehow good to this world, or done bad as little as possible. I want to be able to live so that my life respects the nature we have here. Sustainable and appreciative.
When I have less, I see and hear more, I have more patience. I stopped and looked at the stars for the first time in years this winter. And I was really amazed by their beauty, it was pretty amazing! When I have less, I appreciate more. I make the most of the things I have and usually feel that I could give some away from that anyway.
My dreams and goals these days are all about less is more. I try to read and learn more about what feels the best for me. I try to make good decisions and when I buy something I actually think before I buy anything. Do I really need it. Actually books are the thing that I yearn the most these days :). Learning and opening your view is just really nice.
When I’m running, I’m not in a hurry, I always have time to look around and stop for some scenery soaking. I think it’s vital to stop and see and hear what’s really around us. If we loose that childlike mindset, we are lost. Growing up doesn’t mean we have to stop living. I am sure not going to do that. I am just beginning!