I’ve always tried to keep this blog and my writings honest but I feel that this might be the time, when I’m brutally honest.
I’m so done, so exhausted and just insanely tired, probably a bit depressed too. In so little time, only little over six months, yes I’m repeating but I feel that I need to see it to finally believe it. So, in only that time, I’ve moved twice from country to country to country, lost my Grandma, tried to get used to living back in Finland where I genuinely don’t feel like I belong at all, found my first job in few years, getting insanely amazing sponsors for my goals, trying to find myself in all this, having my long relationship coming to an end, trying to grieve the loss of my Grandma, being there for others, trying to train for my Ultra.
I’ve tried so hard to push on, so hard, and I know that I’ve done some amazing work while at it. But I’ve also completely forgot myself and the ability to say that I don’t have anything in me at the moment. And if I don’t say how I’m really feeling, no one will know and they expect that I can do what I’ve done. People tend to forget what’s happened, and I don’t say that in a bad way, it’s just not their life and I would forget it too. So if I don’t say something, no one will know.
I’m feeling like there’s this pressure of doing well, because everything in my life is actually going really well. But there’s also been so much to take, emotionally, that my powers are starting to dwindle down and I’m in a point when I’m just anxious and stressed about the smallest thing.
I’ve been helping other people make their goals and dreams come true, and managed to forget that I’m supposed to put mine first on my lists. Which has ended up me being completely uninspired and with no energy to write and run. I’ve ran because I’ve needed to stay alive and I’ve managed to get almost on every run to this meditation like state, which has been crucial.
But my relationship with my body and mind has gone really sour. For the past months, I’ve been eating whatever or none at all. And in a time when my body image and my body in whole should look better than ever before, it doesn’t, not even close. I’ve gained weight and that makes me feel really bad and insecure, like it has always. I’m eating stuff that I haven’t in such a long time, and all of it is making me feel physically ill and my face is looking like I’m a teenager again. I’m really disappointed in myself and that makes me feel even more shitty. I hate that I feel like this, as I’m supposed to be strong and all, but I can’t be strong all the time, even if I wanted to. But I’ve lost the me that I am now. I’m trying to find that again, but it’s not too easy.
Mostly I’m feeling okay, but it might also be because I haven’t let myself really feel all that I have inside, it’s quite scary.
While I know that I’ve been super hard on myself, I don’t seem to really understand all that has happened in such a short amount of time. I feel extremely lost. And I haven’t really talked about all this, only to one friend, because this all and all the other feelings I have inside aren’t the easy and pretty things to say.
They make me feel super insecure, shitty, unsure about all that I am doing. I don’t feel like that strong, healthy, sexy woman that I already thought I am. All of sudden all that is lost.
I’ve pushed myself in a corner and I’m not sure how to get out.
I have so nice things coming soon, and all I can think is that oh no I look so fat and I don’t have any nice clothes and oh no this and that. I feel like I would just like to hide, but in the same time I can’t wait to see my friends, the people I’ve missed so much and haven’t seen in over half a year.
What I’m feeling at the moment, is only happening because I haven’t been good enough to myself, I’ve forgotten my own health and well being, mind and body. Which unfortunately isn’t too new to me, but this time I’m really tired of this as I’m the one suffering, only me, like before.
Even though I’ve been thinking that I don’t have time to fall, I have to let myself fall and feel all that’s happened. If I don’t, I’m not going to feel any better and I’m only going to fall harder. It’s time for me to put myself first, not after all and everyone else, like I have for way too long.