For the past month I’ve really been thinking about my body and how I see it these days. I’ve changed so much in few years and my body even more.
In my twenties I was extremely insecure, like probably all of us, but somehow I found my sexiness as this power that I could use and feel the power through it. And I used it, not always the right way, for myself, as I wasn’t doing anything to really get to know myself. I was obviously trying to find who I was but I think in a completely wrong way. And obviously I thought that if a guy wants me then he likes me, yes I was that lost.
I was going through photos from my old computer and saw these photos of me from few years ago, photos of me topless, and I was just looking at them. How I held my body and what my expression was. Did I look strong or insecure or what it was.
I remember how I wanted those photos to be taken, I wanted to feel like the hottest girl around, though I never got that… But I do like to have them, to see how I looked back then.
For so long I tried so hard to be liked, and I didn’t get any of that. When I stopped and started liking myself, things changed.
And the way I see myself these days is so different than back then. I’ve worked crazy hard for that.
Back then what was really important to me was that I looked good and was skinny. Because obviously that was what mattered. Though in my twenties my body has gone through so much change. My weight went from around 60kg to over 80kg to less than 60kg to this and that, and that all has left it’s mark on my body and skin. The main reason for this is my depression. When I get depressed I eat, eating has always been the thing that I am able to control and my body has taken the toll of that.
Now I’m starting to really love myself and seeing my body in a new way. Though it’s a constant struggle.
I look at my body and see the changes, how the different stages of my last ten years have done, and how my age is changing my body too. I guess it’s part of this aging thing too.
I really love how strong I look these days, yes I have visible cellulite, and my abs aren’t as tight as I would like them to be, but I am strong. And I carry myself really confident most of the time now, not saying I’m sorry with my appearance as I did before. I don’t care what people say most of the time, and just wear what I want, which hasn’t always been that easy for me.
But I’m finding the me I really am. And that is powerful. I really wish I could have the same photos that I attached here taken now, to see the difference. Because I’m sure that the life experience of the past few years would show on them.
It’s really empowering when I’m able to go out the way I want and be proud of myself. And get my inner self shine. The truer I am the better I feel and the better I feel I look. I’m still searching but I feel like I’m pretty close.
I wish that I can see myself how I see myself now, for long and not loose this feeling. I don’t always have to love what I see but I do have to respect the work and give credit to myself for it. And say something positive and good about myself to myself every day. And remember to love myself and say that too.