What I’ve learned in life is that you have to go through the pain to be able to embrace it and be free again. What I’ve also learned, is that once you’ve done that you are so open and loving that it’s insane.
Today I ran in the same place I did last September, the morning of the burial of my Grandma. I ran in a forest she called fairytale forest in my childhood. A place where she pushed my imagination and encouraged me to be exactly the special one I am.
But when I left for my run, I knew where I wanted to go but not why. Once I arrived at this spot in the forest, I knew. It was that spot I stopped on that morning, and I felt like she was with me in that pain that day, and today I felt that she’s there with me to console me in that pain that I need to release and embrace it all from now on.
I was sitting there and crying, for the first time because of her in such a long time. So much had happened since I lost her, that I felt with all my being that I haven’t really been able to say goodbye and say some things, like how much I really miss her. Because I really do.
I was just talking to her, out loud alone there, telling her things that I was afraid of, proud of, what I’ve been doing and what and who she would really like. And that I promise that I keep pushing on with keeping my dreams and my happy first. That was what she said to me before she passed away, and that was and has been the thing that’s been pushing me on when shit gets hard.
But this was also the first time I was in a situation where I’ve lost someone that important, someone who’ve helped me grow to that person I am now. Who’ve believed in me when I’ve really didn’t deserve that, at all. She didn’t understand why I ran but she saw how good it made me feel and how it had changed me to better and more to that special me.
I lost that me, for a good ten years, completely lost the one I truly was, because I thought that that wasn’t good. The pressure and uncertain feelings from outside got the best of me and I lost myself. But now I am back and I know that she’s pushing me on and that she’s so proud of me.
I needed this pain that I went through today, all the tears, all the sadness to be able to let go of what I had been holding. I needed to say out loud how much I really miss her. And how thankful I am of all she ever did for me. The amount of love she gave to me, made me humble the last year and showed and taught me how to really love myself and others. That kind of love makes you strong, so strong.
But I know that she would be so damn proud of where I am now, of all the work I’ve done with myself and how far I’ve taken myself. Jumping to unknown with the trust that all will be okay. Not that she would done that, but she supported me in those jumps whether she understood them or not. And she was honest in what she felt, and I loved that about her. It didn’t feel too good always, but we all need that someone in our lives who gives us that tough love and just grounds us. She really did that at times. Thank you <3.
Now I feel that I’m ready to let her go, and be able to just embrace the love that she had and still have for me. She’s always going to be with me, part of my life. In those small moments, like when I see beautiful flowers, I always think of her, no question.
So, sometimes a run is so much more than just a run and today was just that. But I still let running heal me, like it has always before and embrace it all. I still don’t have tools to handle things like this but I’m able to take them and give myself the time I need to figure the right way for me. And because of her, I think that the Copenhagen Half will be the only road race I’ll run this year and years to come, it will always be a tribute race for her.
Love you, <3!