What It Is That I Actually Want In My Life – To Be Happy

IMG_4657I heard this song this morning, that I listened a lot when I was moving to another country the first time, almost three years ago. And I haven’t heard it in almost that time… And now it came and made me cry. It hit so hard and true to what I am going through at the moment in my life.

For the past three something years I’ve been searching, searching myself, what makes me happy, what do I want in my life, what am I about, all that. I feel that I know exactly what it is but haven’t really wanted to admit it to myself. I think it hit me while I was passing these dreamy small houses in my Ultra in Bornholm, I knew that I want to live in a similar one one day. I want to have a home of my own.

In the search of mine, I’ve gone from one end to another, made bold statements of what I want and don’t. Sometimes to my own surprise. Especially lately… For example, I have been feeling that I really don’t think I want kids at all. But a happy coincidence from a dear friend having the coolest wormlike person whose completely stolen my heart and made me think of my bold statement again. Is me not having kids really what I want? I know that I am super scared to have them, or not the having part, the part afterwards. I know, I truly know, that I would be a great Mom. But I am honestly worried if my depression changes my childs life like it did mine. But that is fear, nothing to do with the actual fact of having something growing inside you and you looking at your own in the end, growing and loving.

I think the reason why I haven’t been into having kids lately, of course not having anyone to have them with, has been the blunt reason that I have just started my own life and really started to realize what I want to do. For the first time, so I’ve felt that having a kid would someone ruin that for me.

But back to the small houses in Bornholm. I remember how happy seeing them made me, sounds funny, but I’ve been in this weird space in my life for the last three years and still am, that I haven’t had my own home at all. Not a place to call mine, place that looked like I live there, a place that I would feel completely safe and in peace and comfortable. I’ve had times when I missed having that place so bad, that it made me cry. Then most of the time I’ve just adapt to the situation and go forward and lived my life. But I’m really getting to this mindset after a long long time that I really would love to have my own place. A place to call home. And I know that a home doesn’t always have to be a place, but I think at this time in my life, that is exactly what I want.

I don’t own much, but I would love to be able to have all my books in one place, have my dog in the same place I am, have the few mugs I have in my kitchen, maybe have a some super cosy sofa to lay and read and snuggle. I would love to have my few art pieces on the walls and a place that looks a bit like me. I don’t need or want much, but it would be so lovely to have a place. And I would love to have a place with old wooden floors and old windows that you could sit on the window sealings :). I think the screaky wooden floors take the first place on this competetion haha.

The past week I’ve been in a flu, and of course I’ve had a lot of time to think. I’ve been up and down a lot, but I’ve realized that part of it is the fact that I know exactly what I wish to have in my life at the moment and they aren’t anything crazy.

I would love to have a home, I would love to have a job where I could bring my talent out and be good at what I do and who I am, I would love to have someone special to share my life with, maybe run too, I would love to have some friends to spend my time with, maybe have some lovely nights with food and good wine. I would want to have kids one day, maybe even be married one day. Nothing super crazy, but after being in this nomad life for the past three years, they sound amazing. Solid and comforting. The main point is that I wish to be happy with my life. I really miss having those kinds of “normal” things in my life.

The truth is that I love normality, with a twist :). I love when I kind of know what is happening next, at times I love to plan things. I have gotten so used to having to live a life with a lot of situations changing around me all the time, that I’ve forgotten that I do love to have some certainty too. So I am grateful to have had these past years, yes, but I would love to have some calmness at least on some aspects of my life now.

Obviously I don’t know if I’m going to find them in Copenhagen, which will be my next stop. In a way I would love to stay there for long enough to see if it would be really my place. I have this tiny voice in me yelling that it will. I already know where I would love to live, almost the exact house. There’s the sea, which I love. There’s many many things I absolutely love and feel that I will have a lot more soon. And there’s a spot where me and Ukko used to walk last year when we lived there, and just sit next to the sea and stay in silence. Somehow my lovely dog loves the same things I do. And I have dear people there who I love to have in my life and run with. That’s one huge thing for me, to have people to run with around me, the first time ever I’ve actually wanted that.

So in the end, I don’t miss or want that much in my life. Mainly to be happy, and definitely to share it with someone who loves me and I love. That is a big thing for me. But I’m in no rush, all will come in time.

To be happy. To be loved. Smile. Breath easy. Read books. Eat good food. Get those hugs I miss now when I haven’t gotten them in a long time. Or hugs in general. Having the real life in my life with wooden floors. Tea. Remember to be happy and smile to all those tiniest little things in life. And dance because life is pretty amazing. It makes us cry but it always picks us up too, if we let it. And don’t forget to do those things that make you feel all silly, they make you feel alive in the end. ❤

What I want in my life is what I’ve worked towards without realizing it. I’ve been alone for long enough, so now is time to let people in my life, really let them. Because I do like that. The balance of being alone when needed and being surrounded with love too.

It feels like this weight lifted off my shoulders when I admitted these all to myself. Good that that happened. The pressure of “not knowing” is easier when you give yourself a chance to see what you have in you. Really.

PMA ❤

I need to add the lyrics here, so you maybe understand what in it hit so hard.

“Leave your country
Leave the notes
Of your future and your goals

Leave your language
You once spoke
Leave the soil where you were born

Leave all
Leave the guards
Leave the stone crushed in your heart

You’re my hero, you are mine
Dead or alive
Once you pushed me passed the line
To a better life

Left your country
Left your father
Left your sister, left their warmth

Leave all
We know too well
Leave this paradise, caught in hell

You’re my hero, you are mine
Dead or alive
Once you pushed me passed the line
To a better life

You’re my hero, you are mine
Dead or alive
Once you pushed me passed the line
To a better life

And I, I ran
And I, I ran”

 

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