The fact how at home I feel is almost freaking me out a bit, but at the same time making me feel like “oh this is how you are supposed to feel…”. Or are we? I don’t know. But I am thoroughly enjoying this calm, peaceful feeling inside of me.
At times I feel like I want to freak out and panic a bit, mostly because I haven’t felt this happy and calm in so long, or maybe ever. What is happening to me?! And I think it would be so familiar to panic, yes yes of course I have those moments. But I also am able to calm down crazy fast from them. And to be honest, if I wouldn’t be weirded out at all about what’s going on and how much is going on, wouldn’t that be more worrying?
But seriously, how do we know that is the place I am supposed to be? I have no idea, but there has to be something in this all. I don’t know how many know what I mean with that peace and calm inside of me. If you know, then you understand how huge it is to have. The world is crazy around me and there’s so much happening, and I’m calm. That is big!
Less than a year ago when I was here last time, trying to make a home and a life, I was in such a different place with myself. The person I was then and who I am now, wow! And I think I am starting to really notice the difference here. With the help of a friend who was there for me last year and is there for me now. We were talking last week and he said something I feel too, but didn’t know how to put it in to words. Last year our relationship was more like big brother/little sister, now we are equal. That shows the change in me pretty well.
I have been thinking why is it that I am who I am these days, what happened in the past 9 months?
Because I’ve lost so much, gone through so much, and had so much pain to deal with on top of all else what life has. So why am I so loving and calm now. Why I’m not even close to the person I was before. What happened that I truly gave myself a chance to be who I probably have always been but haven’t given that me any chance?
Do we really have to lose so much to wake up and give life the chance?
I lost my Grandma, one of the most important people in my life. A relationship I thought was meant to be ended. I moved back to Finland which I really didn’t want to do, but it ended up healing me. For the first time, even through all the pain, I was okay. I felt like this is my time to be there for others, something I haven’t been able to do before, because I wasn’t good with myself and the love for myself wasn’t truly there yet.
So that’s what really changed. Love, for myself and for others. And gratitude for all, not just the good moments, mostly actually for the bad and ugly ones. And the fact that I’m able to be happy. It’s not always easy, but I’ve given myself the okay to just be happy. For the first time in my life. Baby steps, but still.
If you would ask what I changed in what I did or how this all happened, I have no idea and no answer to you. I’ll tell that when I’ve figured it out.
But what I do know is this, a quote from a dear friend Robin Arzon, “I know that I’m not here to waste my days.”
I’m too old for letting my life just pass me by and not do anything about it. So if this place feels like home, for the first time ever in any place, I will give it all the changes. If I have that calm and peaceful feeling inside of me that I’m doing the right thing, I will push on even if I’m super scared of it all at times. And if it feels right to love as much as I do these days, oh I will do just that! Basically I am giving myself THE chance for the first time.
I’m letting go of the old, while learning what it has taught me, but being open and patient with my future. Trusting what it has to offer. Less control and planning, more of that jump to unknown stuff. This all sounds crazy, but it’s so right. I know I’m doing things all backwards and “wrong” in the sense of how we are supposed to do, but that never worked for me before, so why would it now?
So while I’m casually working this new life of mine here, I am also training for my next Ultra in 19 days. So no biggie. Little things are making me who I am. And I could not be happier with who I am now. I want nothing to change. Nothing.
Lovers gonna love, that’s all.