For few days, I’ve been really not okay. The old wanted to come to play and mess with my head. The fear of loosing something that has found it’s way to my heart, and possibly break it into million pieces. The fear of failing and not being able to do what I know in my heart to be right. The reality of it all exploding in front of me and me not having anything to stop it.
The level of me being hard on myself is something I wish I could delete completely at times. The amount of strength I expect from myself at times is just mind blowing.
But also the level of not giving myself credit for how strong I am is mind blowing. I’ve always been good at that. I really, really, want to get better at that. And probably am, without realizing it.
Yesterday I let my old ways let my whole being feel like I’m nothing and will ever be. That I’m still the same as before, which is obviously an utter bullshit. And I know that, but I felt just weak and shitty and heartbroken. So I made myself believe that I will be alone for the rest of my life and that no one wants to be my friend. I made myself feel like shit, because I know too well how that works. It gives you this blanket of comfort and you can just be miserable there alone with self pity on all time high.
And then I got the biggest bitch slap of all time from Universe.
I actually went for a run with other people, and once I saw the pure amount of those people, my breathing just wanted to stop working. I was absolutely terrified. All those feelings of leaving behind and not being able to keep up and by that feeling like I’m nothing and not good enough and just shitty came back.
A hug from a dear friend, made the panic ease up a bit. I realized that there were people I know and who were happy to see me. There was bitch slap number 1. And there was quite a few coming…
All of sudden I wasn’t afraid. I forgot to be afraid. I almost felt excited. I felt happy to have few friends to call my anchors. I found a place next to them when we started running. And I felt so strong! I wasn’t the slowest one who was leaving behind. I wasn’t that one! Bitch slap number 2.
I was running and staring at this guys legs while they stepped on the ground and followed the pace of them, noticed that it matched mine. I felt strong and like I have this all warrior me back in me. I’m not going to give up this easy.
And I remember thinking if I’m being selfish for moving forward in the group of runners or should I stay with my friends, like they have with me before. And on one point I did wait for a friend, because he’s been there for me. Even though he said that just go, I just said to him that I’m not going to leave you. And really realized that that’s me. But I am also allowed to be selfish and move forward, just like he said. Bitch slap number 3. So I ran faster, the pace my legs wanted to go and was with the first ones in the group and felt so comfortable. I was able to do something I’ve only almost done in my sleep. Feel that strong.
Give yourself a break, something I’ve heard a lot these past days from my closest people.
To understand how much have happened in the time I’ve been in Copenhagen, will probably take a lot of time. When you’re in it all, it’s really hard to see how much it truly is. Two weeks is nothing, and in my head everything should be done already. And while nothing being done yet, makes me feel like the biggest failure, hearing few nice words about it all from a friend, makes me feel like I still have hope. Which I obviously have, more than I even can understand. I’ve just lost my faith in this all a bit. And that’s normal.
I always go into everything with so much heart that I forgot how I need to say that I need help too. I am so open that if you want to rip my heart to pieces, it’s almost there for you to on a platter. Not that I want anyone to do that, and I’m pretty sure I’m stronger than before to let that happen.
I suck at being mad at people. I’ve been fighting my whole life so hard that at one point I just stopped fighting for useless shit. I was tired of fighting. It felt like a thing that will never take me anywhere other than feeling even worse. So I stopped. But I think I forgot a bit that it’s okay to feel the feeling of being mad at times, if there’s a reason for it. And this morning I all of sudden was so pissed off, for a reason. But it surprised me because it’s so long since I felt like that the last time. In a way it was very welcome, as I don’t want to be one of those that never get mad and then the whole thing would explode or something. Doubt that I would do that as my honesty usually keeps me sane when it comes to that, but still.
So there’s a time to be mad for a reason and that’s completely okay. Do not suck it in!
When I’ve been talking with people and saying that I know that I want to concentrate on myself and not anyone else, I’ve been probably saying that more to myself than what I really felt. That’s okay too. Being fucking terrified of life in general, is okay. It really is terrifying at times, have you ever jumped and followed your heart… Shit!
The days here that I’ve decided to do something and then done nothing but been exhausted, I forgive myself and don’t need to feel like shit. I don’t have to always be able to push through.
The days when a friend don’t understand that I really need them, it’s okay too. Even though it’s crazy hard for me to ask for help and it’s a big deal for me to do it, still it’s okay. We all have our own lives to live and sometimes we say things that might not be true to avoid situations or to say that I can’t right now. But I have more friends than only one these days, which I have to remind myself of at times. I am that lucky now! How crazy is that?!
To be honest I have no idea how I keep going at times, I just can’t give up anymore. I have no idea why and how I love as much as I do, I just don’t know how to close my heart anymore. I don’t have any idea why I understand so much and forgive so easily. Maybe someone did some kind of open heart surgery to me one night and cleaned all the webs and don’ts and old scars, and left it as open it is now. To be just ready for give it all out.
There’s few things in life that I really wish to have. Really simple ones. To be hugged by that one, whose hugs feel like you’re inside of a cloud of safety and peace. To be able to call a place home, with my name on the door. To go on a long walks and just be quiet but so comfortable. Maybe one day see a smile from my own baby, the look I see in my friend and her baby. I’ve finally realized that I want to look down on my body and smile at that huge belly one day. I want to have great conversations with so many different routes in it that you don’t always know how it’s possible to still keep it alive. To laugh so much that tears fall down your cheeks. To always remember that the simple, tiniest things are the biggest. I want kisses to my forehead. I want to dance without care in the world. I want to cry with my whole body, and let it all out. I want to have my own little garden and look at things grow. I want to be that romantic sop that I actually am but never have let out. I want to do things to others that I’ve always thought to be a bit stupid but means so much to me. I want to feel things, to the max and back. I want to share my life with someone who thinks probably most of the time that how do I love that one so much, she’s crazy, but still the best thing in the world.
We all make our lives at times way harder than they should be. The pressure we feel from outside, the one which has nothing to do with us in reality, makes us make decisions that just aren’t right. I’ve done all of that, more than I wish to count. But I broke away and free from that once again, and I really want to try to keep it in my head that all will be okay. Give yourself a chance to be happy, just happy. And enjoy those moments and hold them closer than anything else. Patience. Love. Understanding. Smiles. Hugs. And a bit more love. That’s all we need.
Give yourself a break. ❤