Should I Stay Or Should I Go?

“I am not the first person you loved. You are not the first person I looked at with a mouthful of forevers. We have both known loss like the sharp edges of a knife. We have both lived with lips more scar tissue than skin. Our love came unannounced in the middle of the night. Our love came when we’d given up on asking love to come. I think that has to be the part of it’s miracle.

This is how we heal. I will kiss you like forgiveness. You will hold me like I’m hope. Our arms will bandage and we will press promises between us like flowers in a book. I will write sonnets to the salt of sweat on your skin. I will write novels to the scar of your nose. I will write a dictionary of all the words I have used trying to describe the way it feels to finally, finally found you. 

And I will not be afraid of your scars.

I know sometimes it’s still hard to let me see you in all your cracked perfection, but please know: 

whether it’s the days you burn more brilliant than the sun or the the nights you collapse into my lap your body broken into a thousands of questions, you are the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. I will love you when you are a still day. I will love you when you are a hurricane.”

– Clementine von Radics, Mouthful of Forevers

A thought that crossed my mind more than once this week. It’s been a rough one and my being and mind were not where they normally are. I got caught up with all the noise around me. All those two cents.

Like I wrote on my last post, this summer has been the best, for me just because I’ve experienced so much more and done things that I wanted to do, simple things, but just haven’t before. But this also meant that for the past month, I’ve been with people almost all the time, pretty much all the time. And slowly but surely, I felt a bit off, I wasn’t the calm, rational me that I have been working towards for quite long and been enjoying.

As I once again forgot that I’m an introvert and that I need certain things, as alone time, to function, I also lost myself a bit. There are times in my life that I totally just jump into that enjoyment of others and completely forgot what I need to be able to enjoy it all. I need alone time, at times a lot of it. But now after this past month, I am all of sudden afraid of being alone. Which feels really weird. Me not wanting to be alone and rather spend time with people?! Who am I?

I’m also very sensitive person, but I’ve found ways to take on what comes while recognizing my own self, which happens to be great. I don’t need to change but I do have to be gentle to myself. This is the thing, too much other peoples company drain me and I tend to realize it way too late…

So now that I’ve had some difficulties, or more like challenges, in my life this week, I felt totally overwhelmed and like I can’t get out of that bad and sad feeling. I was just sad and cried and didn’t know what to do, other than dwell on it. That’s not who I am, that is who I was. I have worked my way out of that.

“We cannot selectively numb emotions. When we numb the painful emotions, we also numb the positive emotions.” – Brené Brown

I’ve needed this week to do that and slowly understood what really is going on and what I should do about it. I need to get back to my old calming, balancing ways that I used to do daily basis to keep myself okay. These are some things that work for me:

  • I do oil pulling every morning when I wake up, with coconut oil for 20 minutes and then brush my teeth. It gives me time to start my day but it also has insane health benefits and I feel better when I do it.
  • I try to meditate, something that is really hard for me, but then again, it’s supposed to be. So I will try again.
  • Running, I’ve taken a good months pause from running which was great, but I forgot how much it calms me and clears my mind. So I’m back at it.
  • I need to be alone enough, to restore my energy and get that clear space in my head. It’s very necessary for me. Haven’t done it enough the last month and I can really feel it.
  • I say thanks every night for the day when I go to sleep, it’s my way of ending the day and calming myself ready for sleep.
  • I need to write more again, it’s my way of therapy and it actually makes me feel really good. It’s a challenge but that’s why it’s good for me.
  • This is a funny one, maybe, but I love to collect quotes and hand write them to my notebook. It just makes me feel good, that’s it. 🙂
  • I want to forgive, more forgiveness because it doesn’t only release you from hate and anger but it gives you so much peace and you don’t let the fact control you anymore.
  • I want to say at least once a day to myself that I love myself. ❤
  • And I want to let myself be that weird happy bubble that I have been and what I truly am.

So I’m going to get back to these, and I know that quite fast I will get myself back on track. Which will help me with the challenges and goals I have now in my life. The fact is that if I can’t find another job with my current one, I can’t say yes to this amazing safe haven of an apartment. And if I don’t work towards that goal that means so much to me, I won’t be able to stay in Copenhagen, which would make me really sad, because going back to Finland is not an option.

I feel like part of the anger and sadness that I was dwelling in this week was because I knew that even if I felt like giving up and that nothing makes any sense, I also knew that I can’t just give up because I don’t do that anymore. So obviously that annoyed the shit out of me, me trying to behave like I have before in a time in my life when it just doesn’t work anymore. To be fair, to myself, I am better than that.

It’s normal to get caught up in life, loose yourself at times, but I had to remember that I am not that lost that I can’t get back. I had to go low to remember how great things really are. That’s normal and at times needed. But I can’t let it drown me and make me loose my course.

PMA ❤

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