Yeah, how we are supposed to know that we are ready for something in our lives? I have no idea at times what I am doing, thinking if me listening to my heart and trusting my gut feeling is just stupid. Should I just grow the fuck up and do the things I’m supposed to… But what is that? I haven’t figured that out at all.
It’s not easy to admit that you’re not ready for something and that you still have something to figure out from your past, to be okay with your past and let it go and move on.
I had to admit to myself some time ago that I am not yet okay to be in a real full on relationship, whether I want it or not, and of course my whole being wanted to say that I’m ready and nothing can stop me. But the truth is and was that I’m not. I went through the biggest changes with myself in my last relationship, from being happy to being drowning with my depression to growing into the person I am today. That’s so much to take, as the person who is going through it all but also to the one who is next to you. And sometimes you realize for the good of you both that it is better to go your own ways. You just want different things.
But how do I know that I am ready for any of my life changes that I have in front of me now? I have no idea, or I do.
I am struggling at times to believe that it’s the right thing for me to stay in Copenhagen, especially when I just think that what is the point of this all, why am I even here? The truth is that I’ve never wanted to fight so hard for something that is important to me. Never. I know that the fight I’ve been brewing for maybe my whole life, is needed to come out just now. It’s time.
Couple of days ago, I was feeling a bit down, worried where I will live next month and how will I survive if I don’t find another job. I was walking from the supermarket and the sun was going down, yes it was all beautiful and shit, but I remember all of sudden feeling that I really am home, this is the place I need to fight for now. I feel comfortable and safe. Maybe I needed to go through the hardest to find this place, maybe this has been the struggle that I’ve tried to figure out.
I’ve always been a person who does her decisions fast, no extra time needed for thinking them through, just jump and see what happens. And for the first time in my life I have been worried that is it smart for me to jump, and in this case stay here and make this work. But the truth is that I have no options but make this work. I have no other place that I should be, this is the place I feel really at home. Yeah, it is putting me down at times like no other, but that would happen anywhere else too and I wouldn’t feel like I need to fight. Fight for my own happiness. Mine.
I’ve always been in a rush. Always anxious to get somewhere, that place where all will be like it should. Only to realize that I need to stop myself rushing and slow down and be in the moment.
We rush so much these days, everything has to move at the speed of lightning or it doesn’t even exist. If there’s no photo of it on social media, it definitely didn’t happen. I get caught up with all that at times. I do wonder why don’t I get likes like someone else. That’s human nature. But then again, I do feel that I don’t even care. Which is a good thing to feel.
For the first time in my life, ever, I want to really get to know what’s going on and then make the decision. I want to really be good to myself and say if I really don’t like something that is in my life, and also fight for the things I really care about, not just give up because that’s easier.
“Everything sucks, some of the time.”
I’ve always rushed in my relationships, I actually want to take whatever comes easy, to get to know the person in front of me. But I do also want to enjoy the moment and not over think everything. This applies to everything. And it doesn’t mean that I have to be in some alone time, I am allowed to get to know people without being in a hurry. I am allowed to feel something.
I’ve always rushed in my aspirations in life, just made the decision to bail as fast as the original decision to go. I want to learn how to listen what I really want to do, and even if I don’t that doesn’t mean that I am done and that I suck.
I’ve always been there for others first and left myself behind, only to notice that shit I am so tired and that I need help but feel that I can’t ask for it. I am so lucky and grateful that I have people that I will say that I feel like shit these days, it’s a huge step for me, but I try.
The world moves so fast now, that it’s too easy to think that I need to move that fast and be this and that too. I really don’t. I don’t need to do things like others do. I don’t need to have it all figured out. I don’t need to know what I will be when I grow up, when growing up is the thing we do our whole lives, it never ends. I want to be truly, maybe brutally honest with who I am and how I feel. Mostly to myself than others. I want to give myself credit when it’s due but also tough love that means that I don’t need to beat myself up if I’m not doing things like others and feel like a failure.
When I expect less, I feel better. If you don’t expect something from others and yourself, you feel free. So more appreciation for all that I have, less what could happen. Not easy but very necessary.
I do notice myself feeling the need to change in the pressure of the world these days, but then again I’m pretty damn amazing just as I am. I don’t need to change, but I do need to listen.
So am I ready? I know now what I am not ready and that is already a huge step. I do know what makes me feel good, and that is great. Fear tries to knock me down a lot, but that tends to happen just when you are in the edge of things changing for the better and is very needed. The things in my life that makes me feel afraid, wouldn’t feel like that if they didn’t mean so much. That’s it.
I’m going to try to be easier and nicer to myself, practice my patience which is non existing at times, remind myself how goddamned lucky I truly am and be in the moment, not rush. Two or three months is so short amount of time that I should really calm down. I do have the ability to do whatever my heart desires, but I just need to let myself have the chance.
Please world, could you calm down a bit, because the pressure is not real and it makes me feel sick. Please and thank you!