I feel like the past year has been all about me learning to let go of what I thought belonged in my life and was part of it. It is a bitter sweet moment when you realize and just let go.
My kindness has always been the thing that has been holding me back, I’ve gotten knife to my back because of it, I’ve been used so much that it still wonders how people treat each other like that. It’s been almost like a bad thing to be as nice as I have. Something you would think is a good thing to have in you. But I didn’t have limits with my kindness. Until now.
The quote in the beginning of this post really describes my life well for the past month. I needed to be shocked out of my spot to a place I’ve never been before. I needed to get so disgusted and angry that I just “dropped the mic” and let go.
We all have relationships that makes us really open our eyes, whether they are friendships or loveships. I’ve had quite a few of that caliber this year. Good and bad, the ones that really make me think what I want and don’t want to have in my life. And once I realized that I am the one who gets to choose if those are in my life or not, winning!
I’ve always had my insecurities about people liking me, still have at times, which has made me do things and tolerate behavior that I really shouldn’t have. I’m not mad at myself for doing that over and over again, but I am tired of people being like that, to the extend of just almost deleting them from my life.
When you’ve always been a bit unsure of yourself and through that of the fact if people like you, being a people pleaser when you really should not… It’s incredibly hard to change your ways. And once I finally got tired enough, it’s been a like this huge mountain was lifted off my shoulders.
I’ve always also been really bad at being mad, for a reason, to people that has hurt me. And really said that to them. I’ve done that the first time this year really. Crazy hard, but very good for ones soul. And I don’t mean going all out crazy to someone, I mean saying things in a way that is clear and calm, explaining how you feel the other one made you feel. The closure is very needed in those situations but what if you don’t get it? I’ve come to realize this summer that it’s pretty often when there’s no closure, no way of talking things out, saying those things. And that was the moment when I learned really to make peace with the thing and let it go, for my own happiness.
“A long time ago I learned not to explain things to people. It misleads them into thinking they’re entitled to know everything I do.”
I tend to always believe the best out of everyone, a side of me I still wouldn’t want to change, even if it ends up being the worst side of me too. I’ve always wanted to trust people, with the result of me being surprised by how badly people treat each other. I always, always, have loved people so much that I end up getting hurt, because I don’t want to believe that they would do something they’ve done to me.
These days I am more and more selective of the people I really let close. I surround myself with positive and good people, without forgetting to be nice to all I meet. I have no interest in turning bitter or jealous or anything. I don’t need to understand what or why someone does what they do, but I still can be respectful and nice to them.
Once you start to see yourself as what you really are, damn, you start feeling so strong. When I know that I haven’t done anything wrong, I can walk away from a situation with my head held high and let it go. I don’t have to think about it too much afterwards and stress about it, like I’ve done in my past.
I feel like my womanhood has really started with a bang this past month. I’ve shed my skin and walked out of the old me for good. I am proud of the person I am now, I know what I deserve and what I am willing to take from others. I also know that there’s nothing wrong with how I love and feel so strongly about everything. Through all that I’ve learned to accept who I am and have a calmer mind.
I know, or believe that one day someone won’t be afraid of me and will accept me in a way that I wish they would. That I am able to love them and share all in a way I should be able to, not hide anything. Less filters to this life and more honesty, communication and love, it’s not actually that hard. Basically, if you want to know something, it’s always easier to ask. 🙂
“Loving you, supporting you, believing in you always.”