I remember how I wanted to try every sport there was, almost. I started one, decided that I will be the best at it, but when realising that I need to actually do something about the fact that I want to be the best, I lost interest. Well, maybe that’s a bit harsh, but I really lost interest and still do fairly fast. Of course I’ve learned to be a bit more patient, but I admire people still who really concentrate on something and practise and practise and get insanely good at it and still keep doing it. There’s not too many things in my life that I would have even half of that effort.
I was thinking about this last weekend, when I was visiting my childhood city with my family and we passed this place I used to play table tennis at. I remembered how I decided back then that it was the thing for me, and also how fast I just dropped all interest in it.
I think since I was a kid, I’ve had this want of being really good, so good at something that people would be looking up to me. Not so much these days, but there’s still sometimes this want, this childlike yearn of it at times. I’ve come to realise that it probably had a lot to do with this insecurity and feeling of not being good enough when I was a kid. Maybe I was thinking in me that if I could just be really great people would notice me in a good way, not like usually at school, that I was in their way or the odd one or whatever.
The funny thing is that I think I’ve excelled at things that are more hidden. I have to finally admit to myself that I am pretty brave, at least these days. I was when I was younger too, I just lost that me for some time in between. I have always been really good at seeing little things in bigger picture, I’m able to use that skill these days in my work. By the way, now when I really wanted to list couple of things about where I am really good, I am totally blanking out haha. The point is that I’m not hiding anymore with what I have in me. I’m being okay with me being who I am and not like everyone else. I don’t have to have a university degree to feel good about myself anymore, or at least I’m finally getting rid of that feeling. And goddamn it was in me deep!
But still I have that in me, that weird way of being interested in something 150% and then after a while just loosing that whole thing. And then I find something else and dive deep in it… Not as fast or deep as before, but the tendency is still there. It’s part of who I am. And until couple of weeks ago I felt a bit almost annoyed by it. But then I saw this amazing TED talk about exactly that!
It made me feel so much better about myself and how I take on things. There’s nothing wrong with that, actually it is a strength in me! YAY! I am a MULTIPOTENTIALITE!
I was also talking with one friend of mine, a new one and we were talking about how we are and take new situations, and he was describing himself and I was just thinking that that is me, that is exactly me! Which also made me feel good. I am not alone, of course I know that I am not alone with this but it is comforting to know that you have similar people around you. Which I do these days, most of my friends are like me in many ways. I have loads of introverts in them, people who fight their mental health battles just like me, people that I can be me with. I guess that’s part of growing up, you learn to surround yourself with people who understand you and push you in a way you need.
But there’s been this small concern about how I am when it comes to running. I’ve felt for so long this summer that I’m just not that interest in it. I felt that I’ve lost that fire in it that kept me going for so long. But in the end I realised that I’ve just made it feel too much of a HAVE TO and less of something I GET TO do. The pressure of all, in my head, got the best of me. The down side of having a huge friend group around me who runs and are pretty damn great at it. So back to the basics it is. I feel like that’s all I need now. Easier said than done, as that funny little child voice in me wants to still be the best… But I’ll try.
I feel that I’m finding myself in that speed of light these days, and it’s confusing and amazing at the same time. Scary as fuck, just to state the obvious, too! I’m all about this DO YOU life now. And every time I feel like is this good that I want to do this or that, I remind myself that just DO YOU and then it will be good! I owe it to myself to be true and exactly who I am. No one else can live this life for me or make me happy than myself, so I should DO ME and nothing else. 🙂