Loneliness Or Just Reflecting Yourself?

photo by Anni Vaara

photo by Anni Vaara

That loneliness in a crowd feeling. It creeped up on me last weekend at my dear friends surprise birthday party. It crept and didn’t leave me be for couple of days.

I haven’t felt alone or lonely in really really long time, and now it just hit me hard. Maybe it’s part of me being an introvert and not feeling too comfortable in a group of people that are all social and bubbly and me not knowing most of them, and not being that much into going and asking someones name and starting a conversation. I instantly feel like some third wheel on a completely another level… I just wanted to leave the whole thing and not feel like that.

Maybe because I’ve been so much surrounded with people that are close friends of mine or who I get along great with, that I haven’t had this feeling in a long time, or maybe I’ve just been so busy at my work that I haven’t had any of these changes to be all lonely in a group.

There was few things that made me feel like I didn’t belong, first pretty much all the people there were in a relationship and there with their halfs, and I have nothing against that, I love seeing people happy. But something in it made me feel very alone and weird, like I wasn’t enough like I am, without someone. But at the same time I felt a bit, after a long time too, that it would be nice to have someone at times to share some parts of my life. Not all the time, everyday yet but at times, like Sundays haha, you probably get the point. But it would be very nice to cuddle next to someone who makes me laugh and feels comfortable and likes to spend time with me and wants to get to know me better.

“…You move on when your heart finally understands that there is no turning back.”

– J.R.R. Tolkien

I am definitely at a point in my life where I’m learning, the last pieces, to put myself first and enjoying what that all can bring, but that doesn’t mean that I wouldn’t want to feel special at times too. There’s something about that feeling when you get a text from someone who instantly makes you smile. But then I’m thinking if I would even have time to have someone in my life, probably the easiest would be to have someone in another country so it would be hard to feel bad that you want to be alone and not feel guilty that you just want to take things very slow and learn who the other one is, see each other from time to time to see how you feel.

Though, is that really possible?

Somethings that I really won’t compromise anymore are that I won’t be anything else that I am, I’ve done so many compromises with that in the past years in relationships that no more, thank you. If you want me to be something I’m not, please keep moving, I have no interest with the same love, that just breaks me and makes me feel like there’s something wrong with me and how I love.

Maybe that was why I felt surprised by that deep lonely feeling, I haven’t truly felt like that in a long time, it felt new almost. Almost like I am not enough or like there’s something wrong with me, which is all bullshit, there’s nothing wrong with me and I am more than enough!

“I am mine. Before I am ever anyone else’s.”

– Nayyirah Waheed

I feel like these days we want to make everything so hard with all these million ways of communication and it just makes me feel confused and yearn to those old days when you called to the one you were interest in and talked and maybe saw them and that’s it. Maybe it’s me, I am so open and honest with everything, without a filter with my feelings that I tend to freak others out. Then again, I don’t want to filter myself because I wouldn’t be who I am if I would.

Maybe it was good to feel a bit lonely like I did last weekend, it reminded me that I have a tendency to feel like that in a group without it really meaning that much more. I just like to be in a smaller group of people and not have to be super social with unknown people. And it was good to me to admit that I would like to have some warmth from another person in my life. And there’s nothing wrong with that either. But it’s also good to admit that I wouldn’t want or be ready for a serious relationship now. So all in all, it was good to feel how I felt. To reflect all that is and has been going on. Maybe there’s someone that makes me smile these days, maybe he knows. All I know is that my life is good as it is at the moment, but cuddles and those different kinds of hugs are welcome too. And I have to remember and maybe wish that we all remember, that we all were strangers to each other once.

LOVE. HARD. UNFILTERED. BE YOURSELF. PMA ❤

 

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