I was seriously thinking about that just now, is it or would it be mandatory to think that I am lonely if you’re in a certain age and you’re alone on a Friday evening? In my case, just now, sitting at an empty office after everyone else has left, basically devouring the emptiness and solitude that I don’t have too much in my life at the moment.
But this thought creeped in my head and in a way heart too, that am I lonely and sad that I am alone here on a Friday evening, when “I’m supposed to be having fun with my friends” or “with the one I love and who loves me”… Is it something that we’re expected to feel, especially after you turn 30?
Isn’t that the topic of so many romantic movies, that you feel all lonely and then you find someone and all will be so good… But now that I’ve read and talked and lived more and more, with so many different people from different places around the world, I’ve noticed that there’s a lot of us strong, really healthy proud, independent woman who aren’t really that in to just being with someone because it’s something that is expected from us. I love that fact that I have those Warrior Queens in my life, because the truth is that they make me feel better of the fact that I am growing to be me and what I am finding in myself. Some of them are in a relationship, some of them are single, but the thing that they all have and what I love about them, is the fact that they have a fire of passion in them of being exactly who they are, unapologetic.
I felt that when the last people left our office and I got the change to be alone here, it was almost like something in me wanted to feel unhappy with me being alone tonight. Which made me feel really weirded out, where, why and how on earth did that feeling even come to me? I’m not too unhappy with my life and how things are, so why? It is because I’ve been working really hard and long days and want to cuddle next to someone, yes that could be a part of it because that would just be really nice in general, but it’s not good enough of a reason. I definitely miss having someone close to me, I am a physical person who yearns touch and having that aspect of human contact in my life.
But at the same time, I am ecstatic of having this opportunity to be alone here now. Listening to new music I found with good stereos and sit still and read articles that I’ve saved for the week and just chill and enjoy the solitude of this all. If you’re wondering why I’m doing this at our office, it’s the simplest reason of me living at my parents place now that I moved back and even though I have a room it’s not the same as being all alone in peace.
Maybe I am going through my life and what will happen in the future in my head on some speed play mode these days. I feel like I am in some “I need to” headspace that has nothing to do with what I really feel the need to have. Almost like I am 31 now, so I need to have a boyfriend soon because if I don’t there’s definitely something wrong with me. Or if someone isn’t even interested in me then what is the point of this all, or what if no one even thinks I’m hot?! WHAT IF ALL OF THAT!
I’m surrounded by new, young families and couples in my worklife and then in my friendlife I’m surrounded by those and really awesome people that just don’t happen to be in a relationship without anything being wrong in that. But how much we all yearn for something that we don’t have? The ones that are in a relationship being alone, or even have that moment of solitude without feeling guilty of needing it, or the ones alone just wanting to be wanted and loved and next to someone?
I feel at times that something in me has decided that I need to feel wanted to be able to like myself, that is definitely something that creeps up from my old old old times of not loving myself. But something now is making that old fear jumping out of nowhere and just bothering the shit out of me… WHY?! Maybe I’m just afraid in me, somewhere deep, of those little things like “will anyone ever really want to be with me and love me the way I am?”, “will I ever find a boyfriend?”, “will I be alone forever?”. To be honest, those are pretty damn simple questions and for sure pop up to everyone from time to time in my situation. But also pretty unnecessary when you’re happier than ever.
This is the reality right now, I am able to do what I love, write, alone in a peaceful place with my favourite music in the background, enjoying my own self with no care in the world. That is not too shabby of a Friday after work. The truth is that one day I will be in a relationship again, with someone I really should be. I’m going to enjoy all these moments, because that’s all I should do.
TREAT YO SELF. LOVE YOURSELF. BE ENOUGH FOR YOURSELF AND IF YOU’RE NOT CHANGE WHAT YOU WANT TO BE ENOUGH. DANCE ON YOUR OWN TO YOUR FAVOURITE TUNES. SING IF YOU FEEL LIKE IT. LOVE EVERY DAMN MOMENT. PMA ❤