Fear. Broken In My Brain. Epilepsy. Love.

IMG_1876This past week was a lot to take. The honesty I got out today when sending a voicemessage to my soul friend all the way to Canada, it came out with tears, anger, sadness, laughter, all.

What that one epilepsy seizure last week managed to do, was way bigger than I ever thought possible, probably because I haven’t thought the whole decease in over 13 years… Or maybe at some points between that time 13 years ago and now, but less and less all the time.

I have been so angry to myself, to my epilepsy, for messing up something I thought don’t need any messing up. I was crying today while on a walk in stormy weather. Crying because I was tired of taking one thing after another this past year, like I’m made of some unbreakable matter that is ready for whatever the world has to throw.

I remember when I got my last big seizure, I was just about to turn 18 and my first thought at the doctor was that “can I have children?”. I remembered that today, and wondered do I still worry that same thing now after my last seizure. Honestly, not sure. I had so many years that I didn’t even want kids, so now I have no idea.

What the seizure did, was that it just pulled the carpet under me and left me wonder what to do with all the feels… I’ve felt more than broken and lost and sad and mad and angry and afraid.

It brought back this deep rooted fear. Fear of me being okay. If no one ever will love me with my broken brain. It dumped me in my depression and insecurities of not being worthy. Being worried of all the tiniest “not normal” feelings in my body. Fear if it’s okay to do this or that, because what if I get another one?

What epilepsy does, is wire your brain the way it’s not supposed to for a brief moment. You lose a unspecified moment of your life and you have no idea what happened in that moment. Other than leave you with bruises, cuts and blood on your hands. It leaves you with unsure feeling and worry of what just happened. You don’t understand why people are talking to you calmly and asking you simple questions and why they say that the ambulance is coming.

I remember thinking, long time ago, that some higher power must think that I’m strong enough to carry so many confusing, forever deceases. That there has to be a reason why I have epilepsy and depression. Both confusing and with no reason why. I guess my brain has been a bit broken since I was born. Maybe that’s what makes me so special, this is the part that my friend would be happy to read, and that’s why writing it makes me smile.

But today I really didn’t understand if I am supposed to be strong enough to carry these? Why me, why do my last year has to be a constant challenge? Mostly I felt sad, deep sadness that there needs to be something. I wanted to scream enough is enough!

At the same time, I remind myself how well things are in my life. Which almost makes me feel angrier, like I shouldn’t be allowed to feel all what I am, because I have to be grateful of the good in my life.

If something is certain, it is the fact that that one moment last Tuesday morning, made me feel confused and bring new perspective and honesty in my life. I hate that I can’t be as happy about certain things that I would normally. I hate that I need to feel sad now to feel better soon. I don’t want to dismiss all of this but I am tired of it. And I am more than tired to feel afraid again. Like I have to or need to prove something to myself again, after the work I’ve done to kick that useless fear to the curb.

One thing that made me feel really small was the thing that I needed to admit how much I miss being wanted and loved by someone, that special. I have no idea why it came so strong with this all, but it pushed it’s way to the surface and didn’t let me go before I said it out loud. It had nothing to do with me not loving myself, it has all to do with me wanting to feel special to someone. How beautiful would it feel if someone would say something like ” I know that your brain is broken and that you’re not perfect but that’s why I love you even more”.  This all doesn’t mean that I want to make something happen just for the sake of it, nope, but admitting that I would love to spend some time in the arms of someone nice and special, I need to admit that would be amazing.

How am I going to get rid of this fear that crept back in me?

I feel like I need to travel somewhere alone, even for few days to prove myself that I’m good. That I’m still all that hard work I’ve done, that it didn’t just disappear in that one moment. Be on my own and remember who I am. Get rid of this feeling that tries to make my insides dark again, which only makes me angry.

Like with all things, there’s good in this whole thing too. I know that I’m not alone with this. I have more love in my life than before, whether I’m missing that special one or not. My body is way smarter than me, so I should just listen to it. More less is more in the good way, of more water and good food and running and hugs and friends and one day that special hug, yep. I’ll promise to be better to myself and remember what are important to me under all that I thought are important.

LET YOURSELF FEEL WHAT NEEDS TO BE FELT. LOVE. SAY YOUR FEARS OUT LOUD. LOVE. CRY. FEEL THAT SADNESS TO FEEL BETTER. YOU DON’T ALWAYS HAVE TO SMILE. PMA ❤

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