Ageing. Am I Worthy? Why Is Time Just Flying Past Me?

img_4451I think I’m finally in some kind of age crisis. I turned 32 last Wednesday and couple of months before that and every day after has been just roller coaster of feels. Looking myself completely different than before, feeling like I need to rush to live through all the things “I’m supposed to” and trying to remind myself that I am okay and “still” have time.

There was this funny moment last week, maybe couple of days before my birthday, I was in a elevator and was looking at myself in the mirror and thinking that damn I look older than I thought. And then I came home later and looked at myself again in the mirror and smiled and thought that “you look really nice and beautiful”. This all in the time span of few hours. That kind of sums up how I have been feeling lately with this all, ageing and time flying past me.

It’s a funny feeling when you look at your hands and see that the skin on them isn’t that youthful as it was just a little while ago. Where did the time go?

While at the same time I could not care less anymore what others think about my looks or what and how I do and live my life, I really, really struggle with not letting certain things, opinions and vibes from others going in, so deep that they can ruin my whole day.

How do I learn how to not let others get to me on that level? I’m 32 and struggling with something so simple. There’s this huge controversy with this all. Why not care but care so much at the same time? That’s definitely my main goal in life, to one day not let all of it get to me like that.

But I have these moments of almost looking others like I’m completely standing still in my life and them doing and living and flying past me, and I can only watch them like a movie. Feeling like I’m not doing the right things. Feeling like I’m not “normal” 32 years old. Like I’m supposed to have that relationship and at least one child by now. But at the same time I feel that there’s so many people around me who are in a similar situation as me, feeling as lost and empowered at the same time. Not sure if that is a relief or if it brings even more confusion.

The evening of last Tuesday I turned my phone off, like actually off, deep down wishing and hoping that when I open it in the morning of my Wednesday birthday it will be filled with Happy Birthday wishes and love. And that is me being completely honest about how I really, truly, wished to happen.

And then when I woke up in the morning… there was one message, from a person I hadn’t had any communication for many many years. That made me feel super sad and alone and a bit embarrassed how bummed I was. I told about that all to my little Sister, and she looked at me really funny and slapped me gently on my fore head for that all. Which obviously kicked some sense in me, but at the same time I realised how basic human feeling that was, not wanting to feel alone and unloved on your birthday. In a way, I didn’t have anyone who “had” to remember my birthday outside my family. Of course I wished that my closest friends remembers it but they don’t have to, and for some reason I knew that they love me even if they don’t remember.

And few hours later, my phone was just buzzing with wishes. With words and photos in them that made me full on tear up and feel like the biggest idiot. So my feelings went from one to completely another end of the spectrum in one day. In the end I actually had the best birthdays I’ve ever had. I felt so loved and grateful in the end of it all. But it definitely made me think about this all. Because in the end it’s only one day. And I needed all of those reminders that I am good enough and lovable and that so many people really really care about me.

Why do we always feel that we’re not enough or worthy? Why is it so easy to think that about ourselves? Why all of sudden we feel old when we really still have loads of life ahead of us? Is it that we think that we’re done already? Why the doubt?

“She wants somebody to love
To hold her
She wants somebody to love
In the right way
She wants somebody to love
To hold her
She wants somebody to love
In the right way
She wants somebody to love
To kiss her
She wants somebody to love”

Zayn – She

Lately I’ve gotten very public reminders of my worth. From people who genuinely know my darkest parts, those that make you feel that you’re not worthy about yourself. I’ve always been good at helping others see and remind them of their worth but then I stumble this hard at times with seeing it myself. A forever struggle.

Maybe it’s part this year and the last year and what happened. Maybe the fact that I had to pick my pieces and really look myself in the mirror and admit that I didn’t do anything wrong and at the same time admit what I need to change to be okay and not let those hurtful things happen again. There are moments in our lives when we just stand in front of something bigger than ourselves and feel so damn small that getting past that feels too big of a task. I’ve been in that lately. The fact that my health issues and the wait for the operation on my wrist just flipped the whole year upside down. Me turning that obstacle to a challenge that I want to see more good than bad in. Me realising how much I love and yearn to be alone and at the same time miss and yearn being loved by that one special. It’s a weird combination of feelings. I realise that I am ready and that I’m not there yet. Maybe this is a good place to be, because honestly I don’t think we can ever really be ready.

I hope that I can find a balance in this all. I want to embrace this journey that is ageing and my life. Being okay with what it brings. Not feeling like I am not worthy no matter what has happened in my past. I have so much love to give and to receive. I want to learn and be in peace with patience. I want to take my life with no rush but jump bravely when it feels like that, like I’ve done before. I want to see myself how others see me, at least at times. Because even I know that I am enough and lovable and amazing!

PMA ❤

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