First I felt all in one piece and then my depression scattered all of me around me. So now I’m collecting the pieces of my mind that I first scattered around without having anything to say about it. Scattering and collecting. Pieces of my mind.
It’s been a weird couple of months. My past creeping in my current and my future feeling like it’s stuck and not going nowhere. It’s been filled with so much love that I couldn’t understand. It’s been filled with experiences, friends, different countries and cities. It’s been such an up and down that now I am completely depleted. My batteries are done and out and the time that they need to recharge is more than couple of days.
I’m still quite new in what my introversion and depression together can mean in my everyday life, as I want to be more social and not be alone as much as before. But the more I’m with people, especially with new, and in positive hectic situations, the more I need time for myself to gather all that I’ve experienced and calm down with myself. I need time to be on my own to be able to be with others. And I’ve forgotten and dismissed my needs in this bubble I’ve been.
We as humans deal things differently, certain memories and wounds heal slower than others, they might even come to you a lot after the actual thing has happened and you start understanding other feelings through those. But whether they come fast or slow, it’s never easy and always as confusing in it’s clarity.
I’ve always been good with myself when it comes to dealing and healing myself. But what I haven’t been good at is being a lot with people, and finding a balance with my want to be with people and my need of time alone. That is what I’m learning now when I actually have people I want to spend time with.
And with my forever guilt tripping mind, my deepest fear always is that I hurt someone or that someone doesn’t like me. And that has also made me forget and push my own boundaries back, which only means that I get hurt in the process too, usually most. I’m learning, very slowly, to understand that I don’t need to be as nice as I am, or settle for certain behavior, or let people walk over me. I tend to say I’m sorry even when I shouldn’t. I’m reminding myself and learning that while I don’t have to like everyone, not everyone has to like me either. And that’s okay.
But now this all has made my depression come back, as it does at times, and with that my good old friend, feeling like I’m a forever failure, is back too. Which only makes me feel worse as I feel like all that I’ve done is a lie, when I deep inside know that it’s not. I am moving forward but I can’t see it. I have been too much for others and not enough for myself, so I feel depleted of all. I feel like I have nothing in me, but I have to try. Like no sleep can make me feel less tired.
I know that this all is a period in time, like it always is, but I always fear that I fall deeper in this and that I can’t climb back up. I have said that I am not in a good place, and I have to remind myself how brave that is, everytime. I will be in a better mindset soon again, I just have to give myself time. Time to actually collect those pieces back up and be with myself. I will be okay.
PATIENCE. TRUST. UNDERSTANDING. PMA. ❤