Self Confidence / Insecurities

screenshot_20160916-131214It’s funny how little you need to feel like your confident self again. Sometimes you need to go far to see very close, something I’ve done a lot lately. But it also seems to be the only way to find myself again. So from insecurities to finding my self confidence to realising that I get still very lost with myself.

Last weekend I was in Stockholm, the place where I always feel like I can breath free, not sure even now after all these years why. Something in that place that I just feel so at home. I was there because of our massive running gathering, which also meant I got to see people I’ve missed like crazy, and meeting new forever friends you just click instantly.

The funny little thing I felt in me was that, instantly when we landed in Stockholm, I felt like that long lost confident me that I’ve been searching and looking for such a long time, basically the last year or so. Obviously I’ve had moments I’ve felt that me, but most of the past year has been such a weird time that wow.

After battling with my self confidence and body image this whole year, it felt so damn good to feel good about myself. And the thing is that I don’t know what changed, why there I got that part of me back. In a way it doesn’t make any sense, nothing really changed, other than the location and the people around me. Maybe just the pure positive atmosphere around me was the key. Something I feel like I am hunting after with dogs here in Finland.

The feeling of feeling comfortable and beautiful in my own skin and clothes and all that, felt so damn good. I had to do a little “you got this” at home before I left to the airport, but I remember looking at myself in the mirror and saying that “you look great” and that “do not give a shit if someone doesn’t like this”. Those peptalks are needed at times… Just try yourself.

Being myself has been a challenge lately and I’ve been so damn tired of that. I’ve known all the time that I’m there, under some weird pressure, but it’s been hard to get to the center, under all those layers of doubt. There hasn’t been enough “who cares” and too much of “what ifs” and “maybe I should make myself smaller in every way possible”.

Sometimes we need good company to remind us of our amazingness. Sometimes someone needs to give us a little attention to wake up. It might just be a look to make you smile. Or it might be words like “your body is amazing” from someone who has no idea about what you’ve gone through with your body and how insecure and at times even ugly you’ve felt with it.

We tend to forget how important it is to be there for each other and positively comment, even if it feels funny. The importance of being positive and saying those things out loud can be so massive to someone. I need to get better at that too, saying those to myself as well as to others.

Maybe someone is thinking now, that that confidence should come from within, and yes I do agree but sometimes we really need a reminder, that’s it. It’s that simple.

With all my bumps and cellulite and wobbly bits, I actually felt so beautiful and desired. I loved that feeling of not needing to be embarrassed when I felt the touch on those parts of me. Something so simple but so important. Honest gentle touch and words.

Now I just have to keep being that confident me here, in my home where it’s a lot harder. There’s something that happens to me every time I’m back in Finland that I forget all that progress I’ve made in these past years and go back to that insecure uncomfortable one, feeling like I’m stuck and have no future. It’s like my past here is holding me back, but only because I let it. That’s the only reason.

Maybe every time I feel like I’m falling to my old ways, I need to remember those words and that touch and bounce back up to my amazing beautiful self! 🙂

Self love in full effect! And thank you to that one who helped me realise my real worth without knowing my past. ❤

PMA. LOVE. ❤

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