Changes On Changes On Changes

wp-1486580137657.jpgHello diary, it’s me again, after all these changes on changes on changes…

I haven’t been sure what to write about what’s been going on in my life the past months, where my boundaries are. After last years silence on this front, I really wanted to search and see what feels right and what not to share. When I started my journey I was brutally honest about everything, now I know that there are people who know me who read this and majority don’t but they maybe feel that through this they do. But I wanted to be brutally honest to myself in what I want people to know. And it will change, like I have and will. I like that fluidity in life.

My year started with very mixed feelings, as I was mourning a dear friend who I’d lost in an accident and also celebrating a great new opportunity, becoming a coach at adidas runners Helsinki. Two things that somehow combined and intertwined. My friend was the only one who new about this opportunity before her passing. So when I got the good news, I was almost mad that she wasn’t here so I could jump for joy with her, but I knew that she is and was with me in that moment. And like I felt the proud kick in me, I knew that she would be kicking me with a proud smile on her face.

I’ve come to realize, finally, that life is all about timing. You’re not able to have the good things in your life before you’re ready to take them on. No matter how much you’ve wanted them before, all that wanting ain’t going to make them happen. You might meet the one who feels like Home, like no one before, knowing that the timing isn’t right. You might want to be in a different situation in your life, but if you aren’t willing and ready to admit what you’re ready for and what not, nothing will happen. You have to be ready. Otherwise it doesn’t work out.

You have to be willing to understand and be comfortable that you can’t always control what happens.

You might get the news that your just operated wrist might need a new operation, the thing you last wish for, but need to turn the negatives into positives. You already know how you can deal the whole thing in the deep ends.

You might lose a friend in an accident, or you might have to end a friendship because no matter how much you want to have it all in your life, it’s not good for you anymore and have to admit it. Losing someone you love hurts, there’s no way to explain it all. Whether it’s by choice or not. It hurts, a lot. But you have to let all those feelings come and then let them go. You have to put yourself first. That’s the only way to find yourself and truly be happy with YOUR life.

You might have to take an almost year long break from the things that once brought you back to life, to remember why they saved you in the first place. You can’t force happiness or passion. You have to give yourself a break to unlearn everything to learn something new again. It might be learning how to tie fly’s for fly fishing, but if that makes you happy then you need to listen to that voice that whispers in your ear “this is the best ever!”.

You have to be willing to look so close it hurts to understand that you have people who want to have you in their lives, to be able to let them close. Keeping love only in the distance ain’t doing us any favors. If you feel lonely, admit it and do something about it. Moping about it ain’t helping you either, and those walls will feel like they are falling on you faster than you thought.

You have to be willing to learn how to be uncomfortable with yourself. It’s that simple. Once you’re okay with that, the good things start to fill your days. It might be that moment you wake up and you realize that you smile again. Appreciate that tiny moment and be grateful for it at the end of your day. Put yourself out there in yourself and it will shine the hell out of you. Smile to people even if they look at you like there’s something wrong with you. For shit and giggles if not else.

I am extremely grateful for these days I have now, I am for all those that felt like shit too. I’ve worked damn hard to be where I am right now and I giving myself creds for it all. Because I’ve stayed on my own lane, I am here. With amazing new opportunities and passions. And tying those fly fishing fly’s is the thing for me, it makes my insides purr of happiness. Soon I will stand in the middle of a river with my insides purring from the thrill of it all. That’s me.

This is a life long deal with learning and making mistakes. One after another, and again and again. That’s how you find you. By being open, honest, raw, gentle, loving, grateful, passionate, angry and full of life. Your ability to admit your weaknesses is the thing that makes you strong!

PMA ❤

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