Yep, that’s how it feels. Me jumping to unknown, once again. Trying to find my core again, even the actual core of my body too. I lost that while loosing quite a few other things of myself the past years that made me feel me. Oh well, that’s how it goes and all I can do is try, once again.
I ended last year with a gentle challenge and a promise to myself to take care and love myself a bit more than I had. And that meant a lot since in 2018 I had basically just forgotten my health all together. And with that went my eating habits, and my ability to think clear and write. I should’ve known already that if I don’t move my body, my brain is on a halfsies shutdown mode. It just doesn’t work properly. And with all of those, so did my energy for anything. I did however in some magical way love myself more than before, and when it comes to selflove I ended 2018 on a high that I had not been for quite some time. For that I am extremely proud. And even with a weird year of a lot of great in it, and a lot of loosing myself, I managed to stay grounded on the love part. Not something I’ve been good before. I knew and know my worth and am readier all the time for the next chapter. I can easily say that I am pretty great, and I actually believe that. Though I’m still learning to let it sink in if someone else tells it to me… Can’t be perfect!
Today all of sudden I decided to go for a run, after probably closer to 6months, which feels insane. There’s few reasons I wanted to see how it would feel again. Firstly, not in any real order but still, I want to feel healthier this year especially as it’s the year I turn 35. I don’t want to feel how I have for the better part of last year. Worse and worse all the time. And let me tell you, the older you get getting back to some kind of rhythm is a bitch! Routine is like some foreign word that you’ve never heard before, and you’ve forgotten ALL that used to be normal to you… And again, oh well, all I can do is try again. Oh and the fact that I weight more than ever in my life, let’s just say that 90kg is not something I’m willing to carry on me any longer. And the fact that I managed to level up all that on me in only couple of years from being really healthy and active, is just a sad damn story to tell so I might just as well just change the lane for a smarter one. I’ve done it before, so I know in me that I can do it again. And no, this is not some New Years resolution.
One of the reasons for the run is that timing is a bitch, and with that I mean that I ended up in a situation early this year where I found myself falling in love with someone I never thought. But amazing things like that happen and sometimes timing is just not your buddy, or… is it maybe just that? I knew I am ready to let someone in again in my life, but was I actually ready for a full blown thing, I’m not sure. I know that this one shook me to my core, and sometimes you know by just few moments together, that this is it. But also, sometimes we have to wait for the right timing to come along. That’s it. That obviously doesn’t take away the fact that you miss that person like crazy, or feel like your tiny heart is about to burst, or that you have gazillion things you want to say to them. Or because the time we live in, send them all those gazillion stupid ass memes you’ve saved, just for them to laugh. Or you listen to those couple songs that remind you of that person. You go through all those moments with them over and over in your head and heart, or find yourself dreaming of them. Or you write things you would love them to know in your journal. Or listen to that one Chaka Khan tune and dance like crazy while tears run on your cheeks, half from sadness and half of happiness because you think about how fun it would be to dance together and just let loose. But I needed to run to let that pain free from my shoulders, as no matter how much I miss or love that person, right at this moment I also need to go forward with my days. I can’t stop my life even if the timing is a bitch. What brings me joy is the fact that I can live my life and still have that person in my heart. That’s kind of amazing. Or even the fact that I’ve met someone who is that one, the special one. But I still wish you were here, or me there, either or… ❤
I needed to run, to feel uncomfortable. Uncomfortable because damn I’ve gotten complacent, in a way that is pretty depressing. I’ve forgotten like I said, those things that bring me joy and healing. I’ve wanted to write more for such a long ass time, but basically had the worst kind of block in the world. It happened quite some time ago already, actually when I moved back to Finland. When I lived abroad I for some reason didn’t care at all if someone reads what I write, or more like what people would think of me. Which is definitely something I find myself fearing now that I live back here, work now and before in a position where people “know” me in a way that I feel at times weird. I don’t mind people from the other side of the world knowing me and my “secrets” but for some reason it feels too much when they are this close. And on top of that… well, I had my reasons to leave Finland in the first place and I still have some “issues” towards this place. The thing is that I’ve never, in my whole life, felt like I belong here. Which can sound weird, as I’ve lived most of my life here. But I wasn’t born here, and the way the country works and the mentality of us here and just the general vibe, yeah let’s use that word there, it’s something that tests me more than any other place. I get smaller here, in a way that makes me question myself in situations I don’t like, for example is it okay to wear what I want to wear or do people look at me funny. I’m not as brave here as I am when I’m somewhere else, or that’s how it feels at times. I guess I have to face those issues and then I’m free here, which means I can go wherever I need to. Because the truth is that I do know I’m moving somewhere else from here at some point, once again.
So the actual run, how did it feel. Taking the fact that I used to run ultra marathon distances, and that’s only little over 3 years ago. Three years ago! How the hell the time works is magic that you could be in the peak of your physical health only 3 years ago, while being mentally so broken you didn’t even understand it at the time. Oh how the tables have turned, now I’m basically on the other opposites. Peak of my mental health in many ways, and on the bottom when it comes to my physical health. Oh well, once a damn again… Let’s play my favorite game of finding the balance for the millionth time 😀 ! But back to that run, it felt surprisingly good. Not easy by any means, but one of those that make you think of your first run in your running journey and makes you hope for more again. THAT is definitely a thing I haven’t thought in few years. I loved running, it saved me from my drowning depression and then I ended up loosing all my interest in it, took a massive break and now, I’m ready to slowly find my way back to it. No goals, no races, none of that, just enjoying the movement of my body and the scenery. And nothing feels better, or actually many things, BUT nothing feels better than when you feel your body getting stronger and the steps getting lighter. That is something I want back. The effortless feeling of running. Not thinking anything and thinking everything at the same time.
Let’s see how this all goes in the end. I’m trying, not promising. I’m giving myself a chance for something new. I’m not who I was 4 years ago, and that’s a good thing, but I want to see who I am now. 2019 is a year of bravery, jumping to unknown again. Yep that’s what I’ll do.