Fear

I’ve always been afraid, irrationally afraid of life I guess. While at the same time wanting to live way more than I was able to do. I’ve done things while being so afraid that I thought my heart would jump out of my chest, and sabotaged my own success so many times because of fear. I’ve done it all, from one end to another. I’ve gotten tired of being afraid too many times to count, but not done something about it more times than the first.

I remember when I was a kid, I had a pretty wild imagination, still have but you know… adulthood and stuff. But anyways, I remember this one time when I was out cruising with my bike and I biked through this big parking lot really close where we lived, and I saw a parked bus. My first and only thought was that how would it feel to ride to it, yes ride my bike full speed to a parked bus. And I actually did it, I tried the one thing that popped into my head. Not the smartest, definitely but back then I had this “fuck it” mindset and I just did things even though I was afraid.

I’ve moulded and changed myself through the years through different levels of fear. I’ve done harm to myself and my loved ones when trying to be someone else I really was. Done harm in way that I still have to carry with me, though I did face my biggest adulthood fear last week. But more about that later. The thing is, my fear for living my life fully has made me depressed more than I should’ve been. It’s made me do decisions that I still feel ashamed of, because I’ve mostly betrayed the trust others had for me. And while it was my massive insecurity that made me do those things, I hate the fact that I needed to do all of those things and go through all I did to be right here, right now.

This summer, this past summer I’ve been mostly working and kind of hiding behind that in all ways I could. I’ve been stuck with myself the whole time and knowing what I probably should do, but done nothing about it. I’ve actually gained around 10kg this summer, and it’s a lot to carry. Not only physically but mentally too. In the end it’s fear that I’m hiding behind while thinking that I’m pushing on, which I am. But not in a way I really, honestly should.

The truth is that after 3 years of being single or alone or however you want to call it, I’m terrified of even the idea of falling in love again. Holy shit that is scary idea, to let someone in your life, fuck. So what I’ve been doing is talked with people that I enjoy being alone and don’t feel like I need anyone in my life, which isn’t the whole truth. Especially because I had this “moment” this summer when I met this one remarkable person, you know those ones that make you think “holy shit, that’s my person”… Yeah, I’m one of those romantics who just thinks like that. No can do. But seriously, that moment made me realise that I do want that in my life again. But it’s easier for me to keep those things far because then I don’t have to get hurt, which I have been on a level that still makes me do certain kind of faces while I type this.

I remember when I was around 18, and there was this guy at school I thought was interesting. I didn’t know him, we didn’t have any mutual classes or anything, but I found him interesting and thought that I should just take a risk. So one day as I was walking to school and he away, I stopped him and and bluntly asked him out. And he said yes, we went, it wasn’t anything special. But the point is that I did it. I’ve lost that part of myself in many ways the past years.

I’ve done things I’m scared shitless, like moved to a country I’ve never really been with no plan whatsoever, just jumped to unknown and tried to figure things out there and then. Not succeeding, actually at all, sorry to my friends in those places and mostly thank you, but I still did it. The last time I moved back home to Finland, now around 3 years ago, I was broken mentally in a way that took me almost 6 months to really understand and physically in a way that it took about the same amount of time to get to a doctor to know my wrist was really broken. And the combination of those two been crumbling me in a way I haven’t even noticed, until now.

Back in the day I might have been afraid to the core, but I tried anyways, with that fuck it attitude of what might happen in the end. I’m not sure if it’s the fact that I’ve lost 3 really close people in super short amount of time, or the fact that I feel like I have no control over what is happening in my body, or sometimes in my head either that makes me stop and not even try. Why my insecurities are on a all time high lately. Why I doubt myself in things I know in my core that I’m good at. Why I rather all of sudden give up than try at all? And all of this while actually having my life in better place than ever before…

I need to find my peace again. I need to slow down and shut up. I need to look myself, straight in my eyes and be proud of who I am, because I have no reason to be this afraid of who I am. Half of me is so damn ready to burst out of these seams I’ve sewed around myself and the other half is just confused by this all. I have moments when I stand proud infront of someone and there’s no doubt in me and then I lose that side all of sudden and feel like I’m almost looking myself like a fly from the ceiling. Sluggishly and numb just going from one day to another without living, just surviving.

I don’t even know if I know how to love again. If I have that in me, or I guess I do, my tools around it are just kind of dusty from the scars I still carry. For myself, and others.

Tonight I walked in the pouring rain home from a concert. The theme of the concert was fear, but in a way that we should celebrate it, embrace it. And I noticed myself smiling in the rain while walking, after a long long time. There’s been few moments this past summer with that kind of effortless smile, but the core of me have not smiled in a long ass time. I finally remembered how it feels. The rain almost felt like it was washing away all that baggage I’ve been carrying the past months. Like I said, I’m a romantic and forever will be. But my lust for life is finding it’s way back. Part of this is depression and how it works, part of this is the weird grown up confusion about being or supposedly being an adult. You know one of those who looks to their friends who get married and have kids, with this weird feeling of “I am nowhere close to those things and why I don’t feel that kind of adult at all?”.

The point is that life is weird as hell, but with fear or not, all we can do is try to live it as hard and fully as we can. I have to remember that my way is as good as anyone else’s, I just need to find my way again. I already have found the right tracks, now it’s time to move forward on them. Say yes to things I’m afraid, and no to things that just don’t feel right. It’s actually super simple. And walk in the rain, always walk in the rain.

PMA ❤

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You Win Some, You Lose Some

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If you do a proper U-turn in your life for the better, like I have done you get a moment when you realize that You win some, You lose some… Your past isn’t gone, it’s still there, reminding you of who you are and been. Your present and future are just a clean slate, just like you wanted.

Just when I said my last goodbyes to my Grandpa, I started a completely new chapter in my life that has changed it for the better in so many ways. But it’s also reminded me of my weaknesses and how much I tend to care too much. All the new makes it really easy to hide from the pain I still carry, the moments when I only think how much I miss him. Or how tired I am wholeheartedly. And how I really don’t miss majority of last year.

When you are in your new, free of your past, life and people it feels easy for a while until the “normality” of it all comes your daily life again. The thing is, I’m so used to struggling that I don’t even realize when my life is easy and should just let that be, because after all I really deserve just that. But your reality, as in who you are and have been before this, hasn’t gone anywhere. As long as you have stuff to sort out, it will be there. And I still do.

There’s also this funny fear when you are free from your past, at least for a bit. What if I’m not good enough for who I am the way I am. There’s loads of people who have never read any words here and have no idea of what I’ve gone through to be who I am now. I don’t really care about that most of the time, but then there are moments when I wish that my “reality” would be in a way out there, so that if I feel certain way they would just understand and I wouldn’t feel like I need to hide it all. And yes, I know how dramatic that sounds… But it can feel easier to be a little harder than you really are when in front of new people.

I’ve opened my heart in a way, once again, that only I can do. Possible managed to get it hurt while living it up. But that’s the part that makes me appreciate my damn self once again, it shows me with all it’s pain that I still have it in me. To open my heart after all I’ve been through. But there it is, believing in that goodgood while understanding how impossible it all might be. I guess in all the frustration of it all, I don’t even mind. Fuck, I rather have this than nothing at all. Forever believing in good and love.

So from very cryptic to some sense… The thing is that I have had my depressive days again lately, anxiety on high, and they have reminded me of who I am, before all this new. They are part of me, the things that make me this strong, whether I want it or not. But they also remind me of how much I need my ways of handling them. Those things that once kept me alive from drowning depression. I need to run again, even though last year killed it all for me. I need to find my why again with it. I’m doing it for me, not for anyone else. I need to run so that I can write again, on a regular base. About topics that are painful, topics that aren’t pretty to tell to others. Those things I was good at, and while helping myself helping others. By speaking my truth. My truth that I’ve gotten a bit scared of and lost while at it. I also have to remind myself what I’ve lost in only a year, one of my best friends and my Grandpa. Losing people like that leave marks, they remind you of how short this life really is.

I love the me I am today so damn much, I get annoyed why I have to let my heart be so hungry as it is, but damn I love myself so fucking much for all I am. From those naked selfies, to finally embracing my style the way it’s been bubbling under for such a long time. The more I am honestly myself, the more I’ve found that people either love me or hate me. And I’ve let few of those negative moments under my skin, that only pissed me off more. I guess it’s true… I must have leveled up when people hate me. And I’m definitely doing things right. For myself.

I needed the moment when I felt so low and unloved and frustrated as I did, to remember who I really am, and if someone can’t take that, that’s on them not me. And yes, my past has molded me and defined me, but that doesn’t mean that I need to carry it all with me. I’m so much stronger than I ever was purely because of it. So I have no need to take any bullshit anymore. Tolerance is lower and lower daily.

Dreams are on a all time high these days. Damn old dreams are on the brink of becoming reality, because that’s just how I roll. One day soon, to the sunset with that dreamy motorcycle, like I’ve dreamed since I was about 15… Yes, you are allowed to laugh at that image in your head, be sure I am. Though with a smirk that I’m making it reality, finally. 😉

So we win some, we lose some. That’s it. Never be ashamed or embarrassed of your past, it made you who you are. Be proud of that stuff, no matter how ugly it might be. Love your little heart out, even if it hurts at times, just take those risks. You never know what’ll come on the other side of that risk. It might be the best thing you’ve ever done. And give yourself time to get used to it all, that new can be so tiring, don’t push yourself too hard.

I promise to myself to be more open with who I am, no matter who is in front of me. New people might not know all of me, they don’t have to, but I don’t need to feel like I need to hide it either. I like myself, that’s enough.

PMA ❤

The Funny Thing Is That We Don’t Really Have As Much Time As We Think…

received_10155286336103458.jpegI’ve read those words quite a few times in the past years. It took until end of 2016 and all of 2017 to really deeply understand what they mean. We really need to lose a lot to understand how delicate and short this life of ours is. We love to judge others, no interest in understanding why some do what they do or decide to do with their lives. Why would we when we aren’t really living and doing what we truly want?

I was in a massive stress ball the whole of 2017, wondering at times why I just keep trucking along despite it all. When I lost my Grandpa, I made decisions I knew would set me free. My body was not in a good state because of the amount of the stress, my mind was strong as fuck but my exhaustion levels ran so high that I didn’t even know myself at times. I was just moving forward because I didn’t know anything else. I wanted to handle what I had with a manner that I could stand behind. I roughly saying, deleted people from my life that I needed to be without, knowing that my choices will cause some words, not caring because I knew I’m doing the right thing for myself. The way I handled 2017, I am immensely proud of myself, knowing I’ve made mistakes on the way like normal human beings do but being true to myself and fixing my errors when needed. I lived the year that I thought wasn’t even real at times, with the honesty I didn’t know before I had in me. So can not be anything else than proud.

I read this article today about what and how would we live our lives if we knew that we only have a week left to live? Or 5 years or 6 months? Have you ever thought about those, I have… My last year got me too close to those thoughts. Even though I thought that I’ve lived honestly the past years of my life, I knew nothing. I’m not saying that it’s always needed to lose a lot to see more clearly but shit, when you lose loved ones that shit makes you think. Especially when you lose a close friend whose the same age as you and someone whose been in your life since day 1.

I know that I’m not everyone’s cup of tea, but that’s completely okay. No problem whatsoever. I’m not living for you or your imaginary friend, I’m here for me and my loved ones, while being good to all who are around me because I have no need to not be nice to you unless you do something that makes me question your being. I do judge at times, I’m a goddamn human, so will never be perfect which is actually really freeing. But I will also be me without compromising, I have no time for that anymore. If you can’t take me, that’s not really my problem, sorry. Basically if I need to sum it up, it’s like this… Fuck expectations, no time for that, do you, be you, stay humbly honest and YOU!

Good friend of mine wrote about how this all glorified freelance life isn’t actually for everyone and how there’s nothing wrong with loving and doing your 9 to 5. I was in the middle of changing my life to what it is now and had been battling with where I should be heading work wise for the past few years, especially after my wrist surgeries. She was able to nail all my feels about who I am and how I have been feeling. I’m forever grateful for her words that came when they came. Partly because of them and this childlike dream, I work where I work now and goddamn love every damn day of it. Yes, it’s still just a month in but damn I’m back to what I love. I am, whether I want it or not, a customer service kind of worker, that’s my jam, that’s where I excel. That’s weirdly in my being and core. I always thought that it’s a thing you do when you’re young and then you need to grow up from it and figure out something grown up to do?! But what the fuck is that?! If you are at your best when helping people, and you can do your job with honesty and sell things that you believe in, why not actually do what you were meant to do? And once I started at my job, I realised how I’ve basically done the same job in different ways my whole life, if I’ve gone away from my path I have been doing really badly, so keep doing you, once again. So, oh hai, I’m your local heritage jeans and boots sales lady. And I love the shit out of my job!

But is there anything I feel I miss in my life, now that I have a dream job and another starting next week? I have dream friends, not many but that’s what I love. Family who supports me.

Well… If you’ve read my pieces longer, you know that I haven’t been the luckiest with love but always been courageous and had a faith in the whole thing, no matter what. But you also have to realise that I’ve been alone for a reason for the past 3ish years. Once you’ve been hurt the way I have and you want to get out better on the other side and not carry the weight of your old pain to something new, you want and need to be on your own to fix your own damn self. Love being who you are alone, and that’s what I’ve done. I have no problem being on my own, this shit rocks, maybe too much at times for my own good. But my heart is still on my sleeve, never left, just questioned if it was smart anymore.

It’s taken me few years to come to a place in my life where I feel that I would be willing to let someone in my life. I don’t need someone but there’s starting to be room for someone in it. I don’t yearn love or someone, but in all honesty I do have moments when I yearn the feel of someones skin on mine, or touch of someones fingers, or cuddles, spooning or hugs from behind. Yeah, those things I miss these days at some moments. And sex, because I’m a grown ass woman who loves her body. Nothing wrong with that.

There’s also this funny thing, that I could be super jealous of my best friend and his new love, which is annoyingly perfect and amazing. But I’m just that annoying myself that I’m over the moon happy for him and his love. That shit makes me happy, because the happiness I wish for someone I love is that kind of happiness. It doesn’t make me feel like I’m lacking something, it makes me think how damn lucky I’m to have a friend like that and to see that kind of real love. A love I have in me, and one day someone to shower with it.

After working pretty much all the time since I started, because I really love what I do, if I didn’t tell you that already, I am having a rare free Saturday today, which is the weirdest feeling ever. As I’ve lived very much freely for the past couple of years with no real days in my life. It’s also one of the first days in really long time that I am doing nothing as I had done everything during the week, I had nothing to do even at home that should be done. I felt lost and just wanted to go to work. But there are benefits when being alone when that feels weird. It’s needed. You might feel that you want to do something, or feel restless or just confused, that shit is normal. Just relax. And I’m saying that as much to myself as to you.

In all honesty, at the moment I’m in my sweats, drinking red wine I got for Christmas from a regular glass and listening to Finnish grime. All the while I kind of hoped spending tonight in a different manner, this will do. And that’s me being honest, even if I was a bit bummed before. We all need these moments when we wish for something else and get this haha. This stuff is life.

So, with all that being said, I’m not about making new years resolutions but I am challenging myself to keep my home clean and organized because I had no energy last year for that and I would love to have my home ready for someone to visit whenever, even though my home is kind of holy to me… But still, this is a challenge that my mind will thank me for.

PMA ❤

Mind Over Marathon And What Does That Mean To Me

Those who know me a bit, know that I’m fairly sensitive and cry easy. Well, super easy, whether it’s good or a bad thing or anything in between. So when I had heard that my two great friends have been part of two piece documentary series for BBC about mental health and movement, I knew that I’m going to cry my eyes out. For some reason I thought that it’ll hit close to home, and because I’m so happy and proud of my friends being able to put something so important out there. But what I didn’t realize back then was that those two hours will also remind me of my own journey with mental health issues and how I have overcome and learned to live with them, and how movement has been a massive part of it all. And that part, that part of realizing your own journey was the hardest for me. That was and is, what that documentary meant for me. Mind Over Marathon.

Watching those documentaries made me cry even before they started, even before they had come out, the first teasers and I was ballin’. At times I wondered why, because I’ve seen loads of documentaries about mental health and they haven’t made me feel this much. A friend of mine said to me that they will hit close to home to me, in a completely different way than to him. I wasn’t sure what he meant, until I watched them.

What I understood, was that my tears were about me realizing how similar my own journey has been to those in the documentary. How they spoke about those feelings I’ve gone through and not knowing how to describe them, even to myself. How hearing those words made me feel that I’m not alone with this, something I wish all the time I can give to someone else. But with all of that, I also really, deeply, realized how I genuinely don’t give myself pretty much any credit for the journey I’ve managed to push myself and the work I’ve done with myself and my life.

It was almost heart wrenching to realize that, to see myself almost from the outside and understand how little I pat myself on the back for all I’ve done. How hard it is to take compliments and how easy it is to forget your own journey. It’s maybe one of those things that you’re just too close to see it, so it’s easy to forget and not see all the amazing work you have done. Btw, writing that is really hard, that amazing part.

If you’ve lived with mental health issues, you know how deep those thought patterns are in you and how insanely hard it is to break them and learn new ones. And how frustrating it is to fall off the wagon and try to get back on, which happens a lot, maybe for the rest of our days. How hard it is to learn to be gentle to yourself and not to feel guilty about every damn thing. And how easy it is to downsize it all, because you do feel guilty and tired of how you feel, and like it’s just easier to hide it all. Even if that makes you walk to a wall and feel really really shitty until you admit that you need help. Which is by the way, THE HARDEST THING TO DO.

For the past five years now, I’ve grown stronger with myself, made changes in my thought patterns and slowly been able to change my life for the better, loose the mainly negative outlook in life to more positive, learn how to be more confident in Me and to love myself for the first time ever. But that’s only little piece of my life. When I’ve said or say that without running I wouldn’t be here anymore, I’m not lying, I just wouldn’t and that’s the truth. No cliches.

In my life I’ve been in phases where I’ve wanted to end my life, because there was nothing in me to keep going. I still remember looking down from our balcony when I was around 18 and thinking that it would be so much easier to end that numbness and nothingness I was feeling. I am eternally grateful that my little sisters head somehow creeped in my mind at that point, because without that I doubt that I would be here either. I’m also insanely grateful to my Mom who made me search help. But back then I never thought where this journey would take me.

I’m 33 now, and I’m in a place in my life that I know that in the “official/proper way” of living your life, I’m nowhere close to any of them. I don’t have a job, which would make me independent, one thing that I work the hardest towards. You might ask why haven’t I just found a job and be happy with it, well I was on that path until this whole wrist operation chronicles started and made few U-turns in those plans. I do however have a path finally that I worked hard for and feel that is right for me. I don’t have a partner to share my life with or even wish to have kids, which I know is very wrong because doesn’t everyone want them. Honestly, I have no idea if I want them or not. We’ll see when I have someone to talk about the issue with. I have no money what so ever on my bank account to fall back on if something happens, I’m so used to struggling every month that I have no idea how it would feel to not. But what I do have, is really amazing and supporting family and friends. Who have seen the journey I’ve gone and remind me of just that. Whether I see it or not.

But that’s the thing, I don’t have a husband or a house or a kid, those things are super alien even on a idea level to me. Those are also things that someone made up that we all should have by the time of this and this, long ass time ago, which we still keep pushing towards. And when not having them, you feel guilty even if your life is good on your own standards.

That’s the thing I’ve struggled lately. I never had a crisis when I turned 30, but now I seem to make my life a living hell at times because I’m not “there” yet. And why? No idea. It’s not like someone is making comments about it all the time, well yes, thank you Grandpa for being afraid that I’ll be a spinster. But other than that, no one is putting any pressure on me for those. It’s coming from myself for a reason I don’t understand. It’s probably the same place where the “give yourself shit when you really shouldn’t / you’re supposed to be able to do anything all the time” comes from. That place that makes you feel like shit and numb and stupid and like a looser when things are actually going well and you start sabotaging your own success. And the thing is… even if I have these issues, it doesn’t mean that I’m not capable of a lot of things. Do not get those two twisted! People with mental health issues, aren’t people who aren’t amazing and capable and doing amazing things. They’ve learned to deal with their issues and work towards their goals anyway, while having shitty times and not feeling anything at times. But we have to remember that there’s too much stigma and false argumentations around this whole thing. And because of that people are incredibly terrified of asking and searching for help.

And how familiar am I to that? Sabotaging my own success, and not believing it’s because I’ve done the work… It’s basically at times my middle name. Though I have to admit that I am getting better at not doing it so much, but that’s because the past year I’ve managed to crank up my courage levels to a all time high and that shit has been extra hard. I’ve also been so incredibly smart that I’ve learned how to be selfish with people who are around me, and dropped those who aren’t good for me and chose to let few closer than before, because they’ve been there for me when I’ve needed that push. But those days come, usually when you feel like you’re on top of your game and just fly high, then that depressive mind just kicks in and makes you doubt every damn thing. Even now after I wrote that I had to take a breather as damn those days are hard and tiring, and I’ve had quite a few lately. Just when things have been going so well.

But that’s what living with mental health issues is, you live with it, you learn ways to deal with it and go on daily. I don’t honestly know why I chose to not give up as that was all I knew. I have no idea why I still don’t let myself fall that hard off the track. Because this shit is terrifying and so damn tiring. Depression doesn’t mean that you’re always sad and not capable of doing things, at times it feels like you’re completely empty and feel nothing. That numbness and emptiness are probably the hardest. Not feeling anything about anything. Not being able to do any of those things that you know would make you feel better. Not even think about running or writing, even though you know so well that they were the things that kept you alive. You have days when all you can do is try to stay alive, and to be okay with that is a hard ass work. You have days when all you have energy for is to sleep the day away. Then you have days you feel good again, that’s the cycle of it all.

But what’s been really hard lately for me is that these are the things I want to work with, what I do work with now already a bit. Combining this conversation and movement, but I forgot myself and my own feelings. I got so tired, so deeply tired that I didn’t realize anything before I hit a wall a bit. I needed the reminder of this all from that documentary and from those two incredible friends who are part of it, Chevy Rough and Charlie Dark. I needed Chevy’s honesty about his struggle to believe that mine is okay, and Charlies answers to my help me messages to realize that I’m not alone.

 

When we help others it’s unfortunately super easy to forget yourself. That happened to me, and now I’m slowly learning my way back again. I said it out loud that I’m tired and I don’t have anything in me. I admitted it to myself that I’m terrified of being in front of people as a coach even though it makes me feel the best and I feel that I’m great at it. I’m still insanely nervous before every session. I need to find my why I run to be able to run at all, as now I’ve drifted so far from the reason why I did it, that I don’t want to run on my own time at all. Which I feel is not doing me any favors. I stopped writing for really long time, because I was so afraid. I still am, both this and running. But I want to learn again those routines of being good to myself. Doing that meditation in the morning, sending that email to my therapist asking for help, going for that run for myself not anyone else, and writing about whatever and whenever I want and feel. Eating better as I’ve gone back to my old ways of feeding my body processed junk as a coping mechanism. Giving thanks every evening and being thankful for every day. I know that this all will be hard, it feels the hardest now, but I’m tired of hiding my own struggle even if I’m afraid of it or sharing it. I can’t preach about something, if I don’t do the work for myself. Though I also need to be gentle and good to myself to be able to change my ways and there’s still nothing wrong with not being okay all the time.

Slow and steady is the way to go again. That, almost annoying, twinkle of hope is still there and I guess I have to listen to just that.

PMA ❤

 

Why Now? Why Not Now?

Photo Esa Laukkanen

It’s said that when it rains it pours… I can safely say that this past six months my life has been exactly that. The sheer amount of stuff happening in my life, majority of it good but also the bad or more so challenging has been there.

It’s been a long time, actually two months since my last post. In all honesty I’ve been afraid to open myself this way and write again. Something changed in me big time when I moved back home to Finland. It’s like my way of thinking when I write that I’m anonymous disappeared and I forget my courage when it came to writing. I felt and still feel that now when I’m honest and me here, it might be for some reason a bad thing. While in my coaching jobs I want to be just that to my runners and people who are around me, I want to talk about mental health and my own battle but for some reason I got scared of how open and raw that all makes me. In a way when we or I talk about mental health and depression, it’s almost like an armor and I can hide behind it. But when it comes to my own well being and how I’m coping with all this change and the ups and downs, I felt really alone though I had more people around me. I got scared of the me I really am and who I am so insanely proud of, who’s gotten me this far. For some reason, here in my home country I felt and feel way more visible than ever when I lived abroad.

My main passion or goal is bringing more awareness to living with depression and mental health in general, if through running I can bring that I’m happy. I’ve finally found a way to be me and stand proud with something I do. In this case coaching. For me it’s all about the overall well being, not just the running part, it’s the complex whole of us. I don’t even know if I could coach anyone without letting them in a bit, so that I can be more for them. That’s my strength but it’s also the reason why I feel extremely depleted at times, and those are the moments when my mental health and the highly sensitive mind kicks me into overdrive and I feel like a loser and overall nothing, maybe for a second but still.

It’s this funny paradox that when you have all going like you’ve wanted for so long in your life, you’ve found a way that’s yours and you feel confident and right. And then it kicks in, that asshole depressive mind, that just wants to fuck you and your confidence up! That’s mental health for you.

I’ve had to go from loosing one of my best friends, to getting a coaching position that I couldn’t even dream of, to getting the news that my already operated wrist is a complete fuck up and needs few new operations, to finding my confidence and demanding what I felt is right and fighting for all that and succeeding, to realizing that one of my closest and dearest is slowly winding away from who they were and I can’t do anything about it. I’ve gained the trust of those I wished to gain, to gotten feedback from my work that I always wished for, to gotten opportunities I couldn’t even dream of and them coming slowly true, to being rejected on a personal level and realizing how much that actually can hurt (again, as it’s somehow still easy to forget), to not wanting to give up because why the hell would I do that?!

I feel really loved but at the same time really lonely, it’s that old feeling that doesn’t let go. Or more like that when you’re already a bit down, having that moment in your life where things don’t feel the best, then it hits you. Those feelings that you didn’t even remember existing because maybe you didn’t feel that they were there anymore or you had made that decision that they aren’t part of you. Walking with a badge of honor for something you’re afraid of saying out loud. Sometimes it takes a hit from a cold and wet towel to your face to realize what you want and why you want it.

In this case, I had to admit that I am insanely good at and love coaching, and that I want to get better at it. That I have to find my own balance and boundaries when it comes to my way of coaching, so that I won’t deplete on a regular. That maybe I do feel alone at times, and that it would actually be nice to have someone in my life, that I don’t need to feel like there’s something wrong in that. How nice would it be to fall asleep on someone’s arms? Really damn nice.

For me this past couple of months has been a time of being me more than ever before, once again. And a time of realization of what I want and what I want to let go. And how I don’t, really honestly don’t have to carry this load of life on my own shoulders alone all the time, it’s ok to feel weak and tired and need others to be there. I still suck majorly on that department but I’m getting better at it. I also hope that with this post, I could slow and steady get over my fear of being me here and writing again, even if that means that someone here in Finland actually reads this and might even say something to me about it… Shit that is scary! I’m honestly terrified of that. No jokes whatsoever!

Writing your being out. That stuff is my therapy, just like running is. But it’s also putting yourself out there in a way that anyone, whoever can put you down or comment or just very honestly dislike you. I don’t think I’m any braver than anyone else for starting my journey the way I did. I still hope the same thing I did back then, maybe if I can help one person somewhere around the world to feel like they are not alone, then I feel like I’ve done what I set out to do, without realizing it back then.

So, what this new beginning is, basically… I’m challenging my own damn self to do something I love and enjoy again, whether I am scared shitless or not.

PMA ❤