Self Care Central – Or How To Feel About This All

It’s been super interesting to see how this current situation can make us feel, all same but all very different. Self care has taken a front seat while none of us really know how to deal with all these emotions, on top of living our lives with everything that is part of them. Nothing really stops, truly stops even though the world is in a lockdown like situation.

Today was the first day for me when it all felt a bit too much, I woke up absolutely exhausted and drained. I needed a day off for myself, thankfully I didn’t have work, which also sounds weird. I am thankful that I had a day off to feel this all without the need to push through like we usually have to on days like these. But it feels just weird because I would love to be able to work my regular hours too, that’s just not the case right now. Hopefully soon it will again.

But the thing is, I’ve been really positive and in a way inspired for the last month and a halfish, and I was sick with the virus for 3 and a half weeks of that. During that time, I felt calm because I couldn’t really do anything about it all than to rest and get better, with the hope that it doesn’t get worse and me needing to go to the hospital. I felt extremely lucky that I was able to stay at home, in a familiar comfortable place where my mind was at ease.

I remember how weirdly freaked out I was before the virus really started hitting the globe, my close friend even said that you have to stop reading the news so much. And then when I got sick all of that just vanished.

Now as my own life has taken a bit of a normalish beat, as I do work half of the week and feel in a way safer going to work and to the supermarket, it’s like I live in my own bubble while it all happens around me. It even sounds weird when I read it but that’s how it feels when I think about it.

But is it all sustainable, the being positive and trucking along to a better future. Are we supposed to be able to do that?

Like I said, normal life still keeps happening in the midst of this all, and it won’t stop. People get pregnant, they fall in love or break up, we lose loved ones, people or loved family pets, we worry about money and our jobs, our bodies and our weight, joke about things that we did before while at times almost feeling guilty, we get laid off from work or hired to a new one. Things move on whether we like it or not.

Some people have gone to a overdrive of being productive and others just froze in a way and let the situation surround them in certain kind of fear. If you use social media you see all of it. This has brought out the best and absolutely worst in people, possibly something that is good, at least when thinking who you want to share your life in the future when this is all over. When we’re back to “normal” that will not be the same as it was before this, it’s impossible. This has shown that we really do care about others, and also how torn this world can be.

What I noticed during my month long sick leave was that I found this peace and clarity that I had been searching and yearning for probably the past year. I was finally able to really listen to myself and my gut in what I want from my life and for myself. I had the time to be with myself in a way when there was nothing bothering me. For that I am very grateful, it came in a time that I truly needed it. I didn’t even know how much I needed it before I was in it.

What came to me the most was that my goals and dreams haven’t really changed, they just got stronger. This clarity about my appearance found it’s way to me, something I’ve struggled quite a bit the past couple of years. I realised things that I had pushed away in fear, because in the end many of the things we care the most are pushed to the side because of fear. Fear of not succeeding, fear of the unknown, fear of what if I actually could be amazing at it. Whatever it might be.

Even if I feel low and blue now, it’s just my human nature finding it’s way in this all. It’s a time me and my friends have never been before and hopeful don’t have to be soon again. The way we’ve been there and supported each other in this around the world has been one of the things keeping me sane. When I’ve felt strong, I’ve been there for my friends, and when I’ve been low they’ve been there for me. We share this all in our own ways together.

What I do know is that I don’t want to got back to what was before. I want to use this time to gently challenge myself in those things I went through with myself in the past month. I want to move forward, not feel stuck anymore, I’ve done enough of that already. It’s my time to push on.

My future is up to me. That is not as scary anymore, it’s actually very exciting.

Being truthful and open, loving… those are the things that push me on. No need to hide those parts of me that I hid for too long before this. It’s time again to be brave and dare. Those who use this time to invent new, push boundaries of what they did before, share who they are and what they believe in, those are the ones making it through well.

We are all allowed to feel it all, to let ourselves feel whatever comes to us while going through some of the weirdest times of our lives. There’s no need to feel guilty if something good happens in your life, you are allowed to celebrate your success. You’re allowed to feel anxious and blue, it’s only normal. It’s all valid.

What will carry us through is a mindset that we truly are in this together. Being selfish will not carry us too far. But you are allowed to take time for you, to not be there for anyone too. That doesn’t make you a bad person in any way. You like we all, need the time to process and heal while living your life.

We got this.

PMA ❤

 

And What Do I Stress About Now?

Really, what do I stress about now? What is the struggle I’ll carry heavy on my shoulders? Or am I just supposed to move on with my life and find new easier ways to live? Or actually just live my life without the past still holding me back. This massive change that has just happened is making my doubt everything in my life and especially myself.

I’m absolutely terrified of writing again, of daring my soul like I did before. I’m telling myself to just blurt it all out, it’ll help me. But I can feel my heart beat extremely fast.

Couple of weeks ago, on a Monday, I signed some papers at my bank and left feeling extremely good but even more so confused. That day meant that the little over ten years of financial struggle was coming to an end, I was able to move on. But where was that feeling of freedom and relief? Why do I still feel utterly lost and confused. Absolutely petrified to move on and really realise that I don’t need to struggle anymore. I’m so used to not being able to do things that this new life scares me, a lot.

To give you a little back story… In my early twenties I messed up my finances and lost my credits. In Finland it means that your life will get a lot harder, probably the same everywhere. Basically I had a lot of debt and no money to really live a normal life, and all I wanted to do was hide. I pushed my head in a bush and never wanted to face it all. Over the years I did however face it step by step and the last year really worked extremely hard to change my life for the better. Got help and guidance with a help of my dear Mom. And now I’m in a situation that I can live my life more free and with less struggle, with just the last bits of my debt to pay but like a regular person with a bank loan with small enough payments that I can actually live my life too.

The thing is, I’m really scared of this moment in my life. It was something I was yearning to get to, I’ve gone through a lot to get where I am now, and now… I am so lost.

I’ve put so many things on hold for this to be solved, and now it has and I feel like I have absolutely no idea how to move on. I don’t feel depressed, I feel stuck. Because this is my moment to do those things I’ve been putting on hold, like take better care of my body and eat better food now that I have more money to buy actually fresh stuff. Like make my home a home. And the biggest of all, not be so damn scared all the time.

It’ll all take time, I know, but no one really tells you how it can all feel when something massive is taken care of and  you are free to leave it all behind and move on with your life. How can you just jump away from it all, when it’s been in the back of your mind daily for the better part of your adult years. I don’t know anything else than to live with barely no money and to struggle from month to month, no matter how much I work. To think I’m not good enough or don’t deserve certain things. Or that it’s better to not let anyone too close to me romantically because the money stuff would anyways get in the way of it all.

Of course right now, I’m feeling this all reaaaally strongly and it’s pouring out of me like a molten lava. But for couple of weeks, I’ve tried to understand this all. While having the craziest dreams ever, with my subconscious processing it all in my sleep. Trying to be gentle with myself while my body has been giving up when the stress that I’ve carried in it is finally letting go of it’s grip.

It’s funny, my hip and lower back gave out a week ago, and I checked what it kind of emotional pain it means to have pain in that area, and the answer was “fear of moving on and letting go”… I wasn’t sure if I wanted to laugh or cry, it could’ve not been more accurate. And my back has been a mess this whole past week, like saying to me that I’ll be in pain as long as you hold on to all that.

I realised that I’ve never been this scared in my life. Basically I’m starting my life, my real adult years now. I wasn’t this scared when I moved to another country on a whim, but I am scared shitless now.

And I’m not 100% why. Is the freedom of it all freaking me out this much? Probably, to be honest. I’m not sure how to live without some kind of struggle in my life. I’m absolutely worst at giving myself a chance to just succeed and be the best me I can be, while loving myself in a way that would not be about doubt.

I know that with small steps, whether it’s writing this all out even when it scares me, or going out and just walk my mind clearer, I will get closer to my truth. The truth I have in me now. It’s a forever search I know, but to be on that journey feel good too. There’s a tiny part of me noticing that those fast heartbeats could also be because of excitement for all the new. I’m doing things already that are moving forward, while I’m scared. I’m slowly and carefully letting go of the doubt, mainly, that has been holding me back all these years.

I don’t know why I doubt myself so much, when I know in me that I’m actually really good in quite a few things. I need to put myself out of this struggle filled comfort zone more to a struggle free place that feels very uncomfortable for me. I’ve always done things the “other way around” and this feels and looks just the same. Now I just have a possibility to really change my course of action and not let those fears keep me from living my absolute best life.

Basically telling myself, stay tuned because it’s about to get really interesting…

PMA ❤

Let’s Jump To Unknown Part. 3492873

Yep, that’s how it feels. Me jumping to unknown, once again. Trying to find my core again, even the actual core of my body too. I lost that while loosing quite a few other things of myself the past years that made me feel me. Oh well, that’s how it goes and all I can do is try, once again.

I ended last year with a gentle challenge and a promise to myself to take care and love myself a bit more than I had. And that meant a lot since in 2018 I had basically just forgotten my health all together. And with that went my eating habits, and my ability to think clear and write. I should’ve known already that if I don’t move my body, my brain is on a halfsies shutdown mode. It just doesn’t work properly. And with all of those, so did my energy for anything. I did however in some magical way love myself more than before, and when it comes to selflove I ended 2018 on a high that I had not been for quite some time. For that I am extremely proud. And even with a weird year of a lot of great in it, and a lot of loosing myself, I managed to stay grounded on the love part. Not something I’ve been good before. I knew and know my worth and am readier all the time for the next chapter. I can easily say that I am pretty great, and I actually believe that. Though I’m still learning to let it sink in if someone else tells it to me… Can’t be perfect!

Today all of sudden I decided to go for a run, after probably closer to 6months, which feels insane. There’s few reasons I wanted to see how it would feel again. Firstly, not in any real order but still, I want to feel healthier this year especially as it’s the year I turn 35. I don’t want to feel how I have for the better part of last year. Worse and worse all the time. And let me tell you, the older you get getting back to some kind of rhythm is a bitch! Routine is like some foreign word that you’ve never heard before, and you’ve forgotten ALL that used to be normal to you… And again, oh well, all I can do is try again. Oh and the fact that I weight more than ever in my life, let’s just say that 90kg is not something I’m willing to carry on me any longer. And the fact that I managed to level up all that on me in only couple of years from being really healthy and active, is just a sad damn story to tell so I might just as well just change the lane for a smarter one. I’ve done it before, so I know in me that I can do it again. And no, this is not some New Years resolution.

One of the reasons for the run is that timing is a bitch, and with that I mean that I ended up in a situation early this year where I found myself falling in love with someone I never thought. But amazing things like that happen and sometimes timing is just not your buddy, or… is it maybe just that? I knew I am ready to let someone in again in my life, but was I actually ready for a full blown thing, I’m not sure. I know that this one shook me to my core, and sometimes you know by just few moments together, that this is it. But also, sometimes we have to wait for the right timing to come along. That’s it. That obviously doesn’t take away the fact that you miss that person like crazy, or feel like your tiny heart is about to burst, or that you have gazillion things you want to say to them. Or because the time we live in, send them all those gazillion stupid ass memes you’ve saved, just for them to laugh. Or you listen to those couple songs that remind you of that person. You go through all those moments with them over and over in your head and heart, or find yourself dreaming of them. Or you write things you would love them to know in your journal. Or listen to that one Chaka Khan tune and dance like crazy while tears run on your cheeks, half from sadness and half of happiness because you think about how fun it would be to dance together and just let loose. But I needed to run to let that pain free from my shoulders, as no matter how much I miss or love that person, right at this moment I also need to go forward with my days. I can’t stop my life even if the timing is a bitch. What brings me joy is the fact that I can live my life and still have that person in my heart. That’s kind of amazing. Or even the fact that I’ve met someone who is that one, the special one. But I still wish you were here, or me there, either or… ❤

I needed to run, to feel uncomfortable. Uncomfortable because damn I’ve gotten complacent, in a way that is pretty depressing. I’ve forgotten like I said, those things that bring me joy and healing. I’ve wanted to write more for such a long ass time, but basically had the worst kind of block in the world. It happened quite some time ago already, actually when I moved back to Finland. When I lived abroad I for some reason didn’t care at all if someone reads what I write, or more like what people would think of me. Which is definitely something I find myself fearing now that I live back here, work now and before in a position where people “know” me in a way that I feel at times weird. I don’t mind people from the other side of the world knowing me and my “secrets” but for some reason it feels too much when they are this close. And on top of that… well, I had my reasons to leave Finland in the first place and I still have some “issues” towards this place. The thing is that I’ve never, in my whole life, felt like I belong here. Which can sound weird, as I’ve lived most of my life here. But I wasn’t born here, and the way the country works and the mentality of us here and just the general vibe, yeah let’s use that word there, it’s something that tests me more than any other place. I get smaller here, in a way that makes me question myself in situations I don’t like, for example is it okay to wear what I want to wear or do people look at me funny. I’m not as brave here as I am when I’m somewhere else, or that’s how it feels at times. I guess I have to face those issues and then I’m free here, which means I can go wherever I need to. Because the truth is that I do know I’m moving somewhere else from here at some point, once again.

So the actual run, how did it feel. Taking the fact that I used to run ultra marathon distances, and that’s only little over 3 years ago. Three years ago! How the hell the time works is magic that you could be in the peak of your physical health only 3 years ago, while being mentally so broken you didn’t even understand it at the time. Oh how the tables have turned, now I’m basically on the other opposites. Peak of my mental health in many ways, and on the bottom when it comes to my physical health. Oh well, once a damn again… Let’s play my favorite game of finding the balance for the millionth time 😀 ! But back to that run, it felt surprisingly good. Not easy by any means, but one of those that make you think of your first run in your running journey and makes you hope for more again. THAT is definitely a thing I haven’t thought in few years. I loved running, it saved me from my drowning depression and then I ended up loosing all my interest in it, took a massive break and now, I’m ready to slowly find my way back to it. No goals, no races, none of that, just enjoying the movement of my body and the scenery. And nothing feels better, or actually many things, BUT nothing feels better than when you feel your body getting stronger and the steps getting lighter. That is something I want back. The effortless feeling of running. Not thinking anything and thinking everything at the same time.

Let’s see how this all goes in the end. I’m trying, not promising. I’m giving myself a chance for something new. I’m not who I was 4 years ago, and that’s a good thing, but I want to see who I am now. 2019 is a year of bravery, jumping to unknown again. Yep that’s what I’ll do.

PMA ❤

Fear

I’ve always been afraid, irrationally afraid of life I guess. While at the same time wanting to live way more than I was able to do. I’ve done things while being so afraid that I thought my heart would jump out of my chest, and sabotaged my own success so many times because of fear. I’ve done it all, from one end to another. I’ve gotten tired of being afraid too many times to count, but not done something about it more times than the first.

I remember when I was a kid, I had a pretty wild imagination, still have but you know… adulthood and stuff. But anyways, I remember this one time when I was out cruising with my bike and I biked through this big parking lot really close where we lived, and I saw a parked bus. My first and only thought was that how would it feel to ride to it, yes ride my bike full speed to a parked bus. And I actually did it, I tried the one thing that popped into my head. Not the smartest, definitely but back then I had this “fuck it” mindset and I just did things even though I was afraid.

I’ve moulded and changed myself through the years through different levels of fear. I’ve done harm to myself and my loved ones when trying to be someone else I really was. Done harm in way that I still have to carry with me, though I did face my biggest adulthood fear last week. But more about that later. The thing is, my fear for living my life fully has made me depressed more than I should’ve been. It’s made me do decisions that I still feel ashamed of, because I’ve mostly betrayed the trust others had for me. And while it was my massive insecurity that made me do those things, I hate the fact that I needed to do all of those things and go through all I did to be right here, right now.

This summer, this past summer I’ve been mostly working and kind of hiding behind that in all ways I could. I’ve been stuck with myself the whole time and knowing what I probably should do, but done nothing about it. I’ve actually gained around 10kg this summer, and it’s a lot to carry. Not only physically but mentally too. In the end it’s fear that I’m hiding behind while thinking that I’m pushing on, which I am. But not in a way I really, honestly should.

The truth is that after 3 years of being single or alone or however you want to call it, I’m terrified of even the idea of falling in love again. Holy shit that is scary idea, to let someone in your life, fuck. So what I’ve been doing is talked with people that I enjoy being alone and don’t feel like I need anyone in my life, which isn’t the whole truth. Especially because I had this “moment” this summer when I met this one remarkable person, you know those ones that make you think “holy shit, that’s my person”… Yeah, I’m one of those romantics who just thinks like that. No can do. But seriously, that moment made me realise that I do want that in my life again. But it’s easier for me to keep those things far because then I don’t have to get hurt, which I have been on a level that still makes me do certain kind of faces while I type this.

I remember when I was around 18, and there was this guy at school I thought was interesting. I didn’t know him, we didn’t have any mutual classes or anything, but I found him interesting and thought that I should just take a risk. So one day as I was walking to school and he away, I stopped him and and bluntly asked him out. And he said yes, we went, it wasn’t anything special. But the point is that I did it. I’ve lost that part of myself in many ways the past years.

I’ve done things I’m scared shitless, like moved to a country I’ve never really been with no plan whatsoever, just jumped to unknown and tried to figure things out there and then. Not succeeding, actually at all, sorry to my friends in those places and mostly thank you, but I still did it. The last time I moved back home to Finland, now around 3 years ago, I was broken mentally in a way that took me almost 6 months to really understand and physically in a way that it took about the same amount of time to get to a doctor to know my wrist was really broken. And the combination of those two been crumbling me in a way I haven’t even noticed, until now.

Back in the day I might have been afraid to the core, but I tried anyways, with that fuck it attitude of what might happen in the end. I’m not sure if it’s the fact that I’ve lost 3 really close people in super short amount of time, or the fact that I feel like I have no control over what is happening in my body, or sometimes in my head either that makes me stop and not even try. Why my insecurities are on a all time high lately. Why I doubt myself in things I know in my core that I’m good at. Why I rather all of sudden give up than try at all? And all of this while actually having my life in better place than ever before…

I need to find my peace again. I need to slow down and shut up. I need to look myself, straight in my eyes and be proud of who I am, because I have no reason to be this afraid of who I am. Half of me is so damn ready to burst out of these seams I’ve sewed around myself and the other half is just confused by this all. I have moments when I stand proud infront of someone and there’s no doubt in me and then I lose that side all of sudden and feel like I’m almost looking myself like a fly from the ceiling. Sluggishly and numb just going from one day to another without living, just surviving.

I don’t even know if I know how to love again. If I have that in me, or I guess I do, my tools around it are just kind of dusty from the scars I still carry. For myself, and others.

Tonight I walked in the pouring rain home from a concert. The theme of the concert was fear, but in a way that we should celebrate it, embrace it. And I noticed myself smiling in the rain while walking, after a long long time. There’s been few moments this past summer with that kind of effortless smile, but the core of me have not smiled in a long ass time. I finally remembered how it feels. The rain almost felt like it was washing away all that baggage I’ve been carrying the past months. Like I said, I’m a romantic and forever will be. But my lust for life is finding it’s way back. Part of this is depression and how it works, part of this is the weird grown up confusion about being or supposedly being an adult. You know one of those who looks to their friends who get married and have kids, with this weird feeling of “I am nowhere close to those things and why I don’t feel that kind of adult at all?”.

The point is that life is weird as hell, but with fear or not, all we can do is try to live it as hard and fully as we can. I have to remember that my way is as good as anyone else’s, I just need to find my way again. I already have found the right tracks, now it’s time to move forward on them. Say yes to things I’m afraid, and no to things that just don’t feel right. It’s actually super simple. And walk in the rain, always walk in the rain.

PMA ❤

You Win Some, You Lose Some

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If you do a proper U-turn in your life for the better, like I have done you get a moment when you realize that You win some, You lose some… Your past isn’t gone, it’s still there, reminding you of who you are and been. Your present and future are just a clean slate, just like you wanted.

Just when I said my last goodbyes to my Grandpa, I started a completely new chapter in my life that has changed it for the better in so many ways. But it’s also reminded me of my weaknesses and how much I tend to care too much. All the new makes it really easy to hide from the pain I still carry, the moments when I only think how much I miss him. Or how tired I am wholeheartedly. And how I really don’t miss majority of last year.

When you are in your new, free of your past, life and people it feels easy for a while until the “normality” of it all comes your daily life again. The thing is, I’m so used to struggling that I don’t even realize when my life is easy and should just let that be, because after all I really deserve just that. But your reality, as in who you are and have been before this, hasn’t gone anywhere. As long as you have stuff to sort out, it will be there. And I still do.

There’s also this funny fear when you are free from your past, at least for a bit. What if I’m not good enough for who I am the way I am. There’s loads of people who have never read any words here and have no idea of what I’ve gone through to be who I am now. I don’t really care about that most of the time, but then there are moments when I wish that my “reality” would be in a way out there, so that if I feel certain way they would just understand and I wouldn’t feel like I need to hide it all. And yes, I know how dramatic that sounds… But it can feel easier to be a little harder than you really are when in front of new people.

I’ve opened my heart in a way, once again, that only I can do. Possible managed to get it hurt while living it up. But that’s the part that makes me appreciate my damn self once again, it shows me with all it’s pain that I still have it in me. To open my heart after all I’ve been through. But there it is, believing in that goodgood while understanding how impossible it all might be. I guess in all the frustration of it all, I don’t even mind. Fuck, I rather have this than nothing at all. Forever believing in good and love.

So from very cryptic to some sense… The thing is that I have had my depressive days again lately, anxiety on high, and they have reminded me of who I am, before all this new. They are part of me, the things that make me this strong, whether I want it or not. But they also remind me of how much I need my ways of handling them. Those things that once kept me alive from drowning depression. I need to run again, even though last year killed it all for me. I need to find my why again with it. I’m doing it for me, not for anyone else. I need to run so that I can write again, on a regular base. About topics that are painful, topics that aren’t pretty to tell to others. Those things I was good at, and while helping myself helping others. By speaking my truth. My truth that I’ve gotten a bit scared of and lost while at it. I also have to remind myself what I’ve lost in only a year, one of my best friends and my Grandpa. Losing people like that leave marks, they remind you of how short this life really is.

I love the me I am today so damn much, I get annoyed why I have to let my heart be so hungry as it is, but damn I love myself so fucking much for all I am. From those naked selfies, to finally embracing my style the way it’s been bubbling under for such a long time. The more I am honestly myself, the more I’ve found that people either love me or hate me. And I’ve let few of those negative moments under my skin, that only pissed me off more. I guess it’s true… I must have leveled up when people hate me. And I’m definitely doing things right. For myself.

I needed the moment when I felt so low and unloved and frustrated as I did, to remember who I really am, and if someone can’t take that, that’s on them not me. And yes, my past has molded me and defined me, but that doesn’t mean that I need to carry it all with me. I’m so much stronger than I ever was purely because of it. So I have no need to take any bullshit anymore. Tolerance is lower and lower daily.

Dreams are on a all time high these days. Damn old dreams are on the brink of becoming reality, because that’s just how I roll. One day soon, to the sunset with that dreamy motorcycle, like I’ve dreamed since I was about 15… Yes, you are allowed to laugh at that image in your head, be sure I am. Though with a smirk that I’m making it reality, finally. 😉

So we win some, we lose some. That’s it. Never be ashamed or embarrassed of your past, it made you who you are. Be proud of that stuff, no matter how ugly it might be. Love your little heart out, even if it hurts at times, just take those risks. You never know what’ll come on the other side of that risk. It might be the best thing you’ve ever done. And give yourself time to get used to it all, that new can be so tiring, don’t push yourself too hard.

I promise to myself to be more open with who I am, no matter who is in front of me. New people might not know all of me, they don’t have to, but I don’t need to feel like I need to hide it either. I like myself, that’s enough.

PMA ❤