Watch Out What You Wish For…

IMG_2432Yep, watch out for what you wish for… Or it might even come true!

Little over three years ago I would’ve never, ever, thought that what is my current reality would even be close to being my reality.

Back then I was so depressed that I just wanted to fall asleep and never wake up. I felt so alone, even with a relationship and few friends. I was not happy. I was overweight. I had issues with my health but didn’t know what to do to it all. I was so tired of feeling tired and done all the time. I was tired of not feeling like there’s a light at the end of the tunnel.

And then I went to my first run, changed my diet, and all started changing to a better. Running saved me, it kept me alive, it changed my whole being, life and future. Who I am now and who I was before the whole journey started, I can’t even believe the change.

My whole life I’ve wanted to have few great friends in my life, and now I do. Or let me clarify, I have few INSANELY AMAZING FRIENDS! Once I realised that less is more in all aspects of my life, things got so much better. I’ve wanted to find a job for the last couple of years where I could use my creativity and write and be me, and now I have a dream job at a dream company. I’ve wanted to feel like I have a meaning and a purpose, now through my writing and being who I really am I have exactly that, I am able to be there for others and help them and listen and just share what I’ve gone through and hope that my journey could help them with theirs.

I had one of the most amazing conversations and things happening to me in the past couple of weeks. First my best friend, who happens to live in Toronto, Canada, asked me to be her Best Lady at her wedding. Which is like the biggest honor I could ever wish for, she made me feel like the luckiest and most loved person in the whole wide world! The thing is that she and me, we didn’t even know each other little over two years ago. We found each other through a mutual friend, who had read a piece written by both of us about depression. We wrote to each other and found that we can be there for each other through our depression and share our journey. Now, she is my absolute soul friend. ❤ Can’t wait to share her day with her!!

I had one of the best conversations with my other bestie, who also happens to be my colleague at work. We finally got the chance to really talk, like you talk with your closest friends who you trust so much that you can say whatever. I’ve missed him and our talks so much and realised during that how blessed to max I am with the people I have in my life. I got few people that keep me grounded, are honest, love me through it all, and are always there for me whatever. True friends! IMG_2443

I also think that it’s crucial to tell those people that they mean that much to you and thank them for all that they’ve done for you. So do that! ❤ Also say that you’re sorry when you’ve been a dick! And forgive yourself too, so many times that you believe it!

I’ve always dreamed of love, and be loved and love love love. And now I’ve found the best love there is, I love myself! Finally! It’s not some all day everyday joyride, but it’s real and I really do love myself!

Without loving myself like I do now, I would never been able to do all that I’ve done. Run Ultras, write to my own site and few others and to an actual magazine! Have the job opportunity I have now. Have friends all over the world. Feel like I’m a proper citizen of the world. There’s so many amazing things that I’ve made happen for myself because I love myself. I also have more love in my life than ever now, maybe not the one, but the amount of love and how loved I am conquers all!

We all need to appreciate what we have, take a little step back and really see how insanely amazing our lives are. I might not have what you “should” at my age, but I have more than ever before.

Pretty much all the things I’ve hoped to have in my life, have come true. Talking about the law of attraction! So be careful what you wish for, they might really come true!

LOVE. TRUST. LOVE MORE. BELIEVE. DANCE. LAUGH. SAY THANK YOU. BE GRATEFUL. LOVE SOME MORE. PMA. ❤

By Narriyah Waheed

By Narriyah Waheed

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Finding Balance

IMG_1151I am in need of finding balance in my life again, so much has changed and my stoke level is quite high these days. I need to remind myself that I can’t be ON all the time, I need some peace in this all too.

I think we all search for some balance in our lives, at least sometimes. Right now, I am in this amazing bubble of happiness and contentment. There’s so much new in my life with good old things too, but I am a person who goes 150% when things are great and tend to forget to calm down while I do that. So I am in search of that. I guess I should be proud that I realised it all straight in the beginning and not too late, I’ve obviously learned something during these past couple years.

I’ve lived back in Finland now for two weeks, two weeks filled with YES! Basically the next day I flew to here, I had a job interview that went fairly well as I started working in one of my dream companies the next Monday, taken that the interview was on Friday. So things went fairly fast. The company is called Kauas Creative and like I said, it’s a dream place for me. I work as a Production Assistant, which is something I’ve wanted to learn how to do for some time now. Proof that when you dream and send those dreams to the universe, AND work hard towards your goals, things come true! IMG_1157

I am so damn lucky to work with friends and new people that are crazy inspirational and motivate and teach me to push myself more and more everyday. So this is a testament for me to show myself what I am made of and really have inside myself.

If there’s a down side of this all goodness, it’s the fact that I get so crazy stoked and forget to have those peace moments for myself too. Last week I was working those normal grown people hours and then coming home to this buzzing head that just wanted to create more and push with my own projects, which meant that my head didn’t realise that I need to actually sleep at times haha.

So, thank goodness I realised this all fast and reminded myself that I need to do things that calm me down and also bring me new ideas and push my body and not only my mind.

I haven’t been running too much since the Copenhagen Half, actually only twice in the last week. Which is two runs in over a month. Partly because I just didn’t feel like running at all, and when I felt a bit like that I managed to fall on my bike really well just two days before I moved to Finland, fracturing my left elbow a bit and getting three stitches on my chin. Yay! But I really noticed this week that my body and especially my head needs that kind of balancing act again. IMG_1202

The first run was short and slow, my whole body felt so heavy but I got to run in my favourite forest and trails which made me feel so good. I reminded myself that I need to take this all slow, listen to my body, be happy with little and just breath. I am actually really happy that I have to start in a way from zero, this is a great moment for me to practise that running is just running and that I don’t need any special goals now. It’s a relief and weird thing to grasp, my head would love to do this funny pressure thing, that I need to be able to run faster and longer straight away. For goodness, I just ran super strong Ultra this summer, why do I feel this sluggish now. Well, I am not going to go into all that now. Slow and steady, building the base and grow from there. That’s what I want to do now. Be active to be able to do the job I love and want to get better at.

It’s funny how easy it is to lose that balance. But then again that’s life and we always have the option to find the balance again. But in this case, it’s not about losing or being shitty at something, it’s about learning as we go. I’m not failing at anything now, I am giving myself the chance to learn more and show myself what I’m capable of. If I lose my balance while doing something I love, I am more than happy to lose it and learning to find it again. No problem whatsoever.

We’re searching and stepping into unknown in a way everyday, pushing to ourselves to out of the comfort zone. At least I am, I’ve learned that that’s the only way to find truly who I am and what I am made of and where I should go. Not an easy or nice thing always but just worth it.

My goal this fall is to be able to be active and run and go to the gym regularly while having my first grown up job in quite a few years. Probably pretty normal challenge, for me first maybe ever. And I’m more than happy to take it on.

So more running, learning to meditate again daily, eat and drink enough water, sleep sleep and sleep enough. This all while learning new everyday. Pretty damn amazing challenge to have! IMG_9407

PMA ❤

If I Lose Myself, I Lose It All

IMG_0368I’ve obviously entered the next chapter of my life lately. There has been the biggest storm and just pure amount of what the fuck in it, that has only made me stronger and made me see things clearly.

“She survived whatever happened; she forgave, she became.” 

-W.H.Auden, The Model

I’ve gone through the hardest and best summer and especially the last month. The last year has been just WOW, and here I am still. Trucking along, feeling happier and more blessed than ever, though never been all around this tired in my life.

I think in a way I’ve finally woken up, finally realized that I am me and I have no interest in changing one damn thing for anyone else. I’ve always been the one who adapts to whatever the other one is going through, forgetting myself and being there for them. But the situations have been one sided, I’ve been the one there, not equally. Not anymore. I’m tired of that.

I know that I have a habit of being too nice, which usually ens up me getting hurt. Happened again. But this time I’m not alone, I have the best safety net around me. I don’t have to go through all of this alone. That humbles me to the bone. I’ve honestly wanted to have this feeling since I was a kid, always been too afraid of actually letting people this close that they can be there for me. I finally stopped fighting and let them come. The scariest and best thing I’ve ever done.

Now that I am entering this new chapter of my life, once more, I feel anxious and uncomfortable, because I’m not sure what I should do or feel. I hate this feeling, it makes me want to jump out of my skin. While I’m in a way more comfortable in my skin than ever before.

After having one of the best weekends with old and new running friends, explaining my weird life situation, I started thinking if I am doing the right thing by staying and trying my best in Copenhagen. The faces and reactions of people when they hear that I don’t have a home or even a job at the moment, they made me think about this whole thing in a different way. Am I doing the right thing, am I?

When you’ve lived the way I am now, for as long as I have, you adapt to things easier and differently than you ever thought possible. You don’t stress about certain things at all, that used to make you feel like it’s all going to hell. If you would’ve said to me in my early twenties that when I’m 31, I won’t have a place to call home, I’m without a job and I’m single and still no idea what I want to be when I grow up, I would’ve laughed at you and said that hell to the no! I was so comfortable and wanted things to be comfortable, so much so that I ended up fucking up that whole thing and make my life harder than it ever should’ve been.

So now that I have this situation as my current life, I am still happier than ever before. I feel richer than ever before, not in money but with pure blessings in my life. I’ve been hurt more than I thought possible. I’ve gone through more than I thought possible and still standing here not ready to give up. I’ve loved more than I thought possible, only to realize that I am alone in that. But I’ve also finally being in the moment and lived my own life, my OWN life. Not caring what someone else thinks of it.

“Continue to share your heart with people even if it has been broken.”

-Amy Poehler

I do have moments, when I think that what is going to happen, where am I going to end up. I look at people that are my age, doing those things that I thought that I would been doing at this age. Being in a relationship, maybe married, hopefully have kids, sharing my life with someone, have a home that looks like me, have a job that pays the bills and enables me to travel if I feel like it. Isn’t all of that what we should want and have at this point in our lives? I do have moments, not easy to admit, when I think “when is my time”?

I’ve been running away from myself for most of my life, and I feel that I’ve finally stopped. I don’t hate myself anymore, I love myself. I am starting to know who I really am and really enjoying all of that. I feel my strength and it scares the shit out of me at times. My ability to love and forgive is insane. And I absolutely love that about myself. I see or at least try to see things in a positive way, even when shit gets very real. I still have things so much better than so many other people. And that is what keeps me humble. I have to remember how lucky I am.

I met some people last weekend that just made me feel insanely calm and like I want to have their company for long in my life. They’re calmness made the noise around me disappear and instantly made me feel good and at peace. I wish I could tell that to them and make them understand how special they are. But feel that after meeting once it’s a bit too much to just put out there. Maybe it’s not, I truly don’t know. Maybe some of them reads this and understands that I am talking about them.

“Most things will be okay eventually, but not everything will be. Sometimes you’ll put up a good fight and lose. Sometimes you’ll hold on really hard and realize there is no choice but to let go. Acceptance is a small, quiet room.”

-Cheryl Strayed, Tiny Beautiful Things

 Letting go has been one of the hardest things for me, but once I finally did understand it, the freedom it brought was sweet. I think all of us deep down want to believe in the good in others, which makes us love them harder than we should. With the price of our hearts getting dragged around and thrown away. I am definitely done that. But this is the first time I let go, truly let go and saw how I have done nothing wrong and could forgive to be free again. That stuff is hard and I have no idea why I was able to do it now. Why now and not before? Maybe because I’m really not the person I was before.

In the face of all the new in my life, almost missing people that I don’t even know, feeling scared of what will happen, thinking if I’ll be a nomad for the rest of my life, I still feel stronger than ever before. When I think of all that has been going on, I could easily crumble under the weight, but I’m fighting. I’ve found this warrior in me that is not ready to just give up and crawl under a rock. I have so much in me that needs to be let out and I need to enjoy every step that I have on this planet. I have so many places to visit. I have so much love in me to shine out and give. I have so many kisses and hugs that I need to give and receive.

I have finally, finally, understood that if I lose myself, I lose it all. I am all I have, and I am enough. And I don’t need to know straight away everything, or know what needs to happen next or where I need to be next. I just need to give myself a break to breath and listen to myself. I need to give myself a break to be patient. All will work out.

“Someday someone won’t be afraid of how much you love. They won’t stay on the shore; they’ll meet you in the depths.”

PMA ❤

Blessing In Disguise

IMG_0201Sometimes something that you thought to be the best for you has to end to find what really is there for you.

The past couple of weeks have been all about insane ups and downs, more downs than ups to be honest. And somehow I’ve felt stronger and willing to fight for this all more than ever in my life. Weird warrior mode is in full effect, I guess!

Couple of days ago I was thinking about the past year, really went through what has really happened in a span of only a year. A move from Germany to Denmark, being in a long distance relationship, loosing my Grandma, moving to Finland, being at “home” without feeling like that at all, working for a great friend, having to live separately from my dog and seeing him rarely, training like no other to feel alive to be able to keep pushing, healing myself from all that has happened, getting sponsors and ambassadorships, being so tired that it hurt, long relationship ending, running my first 30km/marathon/ultra in only couple of months, running my first official ultra and realizing that I need to move back to Copenhagen, opening my heart more than ever before, working so hard to make this all work, moving to Copenhagen, pushing hard to make this my home which I am still doing, running my best ultra, falling in love, finally finding a job, going to the best vacation ever, getting crazy close with my little Sister, having the best and weirdest summer ever, having to make the worst decision to give up my dog/my family for good, realizing that is the day that Grandma passed away, being homeless, getting my heart broken, feeling like I’m the luckiest girl with the people I have around me, being crazy stoked about how my life is looking, loosing my job, having the best support around me, realizing that I have this fight in me that fears nothing, a week to go to run the Copenhagen Half for Grandmas memory and enjoying all my international friends.

All in all, it’s been hell of a ride.

And I definitely missed something. So in the span of a year shit can get very real. I’ve come closer to people that I thought that I lost, I’ve lost a lot of very dear people, I’ve loved more than ever before, I’ve become so much braver and confident, I’m being there for others in a completely new way, and the love I’m receiving is just insane!

There have been days lately when I’ve thought that is this all, the shit hitting the fan, some bad karma coming back to me that I just don’t remember doing. Days when I thought that when’s the actual good coming along, is it going to be a struggle all the time. So many tears, both sad and happy. So many amazing hugs, new friends that are going to be there for life. There are days when I just think that what is the point of this all, and then some friend just says something super small and it clears all the shit and I smile again and am all loved up with the amount of blessings I have in my life.

I’m not going anywhere, I am tired as fuck for fighting but then again, I am fighting for something that is bigger than this moment, it’s my life and my happiness. And with all of this and what has happened, I am happier than ever before and I would not change that feeling for any amount of money ever! This is my home and I will one day actually have my own home here, that’s it!

Sometimes, and I should know this, we think that people or jobs or situations are where we are supposed to be or have, and then we let go for ourselves and new and better things come along. Somehow I still believe and it keeps bringing me all that good good. So, I will fight, and love, and hug. Working as hard and harder to make this life what it’s supposed to be, an adventure!

WARRIOR MODE AND ALL THE PMA ❤IMG_0228

 

Should I Stay Or Should I Go?

“I am not the first person you loved. You are not the first person I looked at with a mouthful of forevers. We have both known loss like the sharp edges of a knife. We have both lived with lips more scar tissue than skin. Our love came unannounced in the middle of the night. Our love came when we’d given up on asking love to come. I think that has to be the part of it’s miracle.

This is how we heal. I will kiss you like forgiveness. You will hold me like I’m hope. Our arms will bandage and we will press promises between us like flowers in a book. I will write sonnets to the salt of sweat on your skin. I will write novels to the scar of your nose. I will write a dictionary of all the words I have used trying to describe the way it feels to finally, finally found you. 

And I will not be afraid of your scars.

I know sometimes it’s still hard to let me see you in all your cracked perfection, but please know: 

whether it’s the days you burn more brilliant than the sun or the the nights you collapse into my lap your body broken into a thousands of questions, you are the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. I will love you when you are a still day. I will love you when you are a hurricane.”

– Clementine von Radics, Mouthful of Forevers

A thought that crossed my mind more than once this week. It’s been a rough one and my being and mind were not where they normally are. I got caught up with all the noise around me. All those two cents.

Like I wrote on my last post, this summer has been the best, for me just because I’ve experienced so much more and done things that I wanted to do, simple things, but just haven’t before. But this also meant that for the past month, I’ve been with people almost all the time, pretty much all the time. And slowly but surely, I felt a bit off, I wasn’t the calm, rational me that I have been working towards for quite long and been enjoying.

As I once again forgot that I’m an introvert and that I need certain things, as alone time, to function, I also lost myself a bit. There are times in my life that I totally just jump into that enjoyment of others and completely forgot what I need to be able to enjoy it all. I need alone time, at times a lot of it. But now after this past month, I am all of sudden afraid of being alone. Which feels really weird. Me not wanting to be alone and rather spend time with people?! Who am I?

I’m also very sensitive person, but I’ve found ways to take on what comes while recognizing my own self, which happens to be great. I don’t need to change but I do have to be gentle to myself. This is the thing, too much other peoples company drain me and I tend to realize it way too late…

So now that I’ve had some difficulties, or more like challenges, in my life this week, I felt totally overwhelmed and like I can’t get out of that bad and sad feeling. I was just sad and cried and didn’t know what to do, other than dwell on it. That’s not who I am, that is who I was. I have worked my way out of that.

“We cannot selectively numb emotions. When we numb the painful emotions, we also numb the positive emotions.” – Brené Brown

I’ve needed this week to do that and slowly understood what really is going on and what I should do about it. I need to get back to my old calming, balancing ways that I used to do daily basis to keep myself okay. These are some things that work for me:

  • I do oil pulling every morning when I wake up, with coconut oil for 20 minutes and then brush my teeth. It gives me time to start my day but it also has insane health benefits and I feel better when I do it.
  • I try to meditate, something that is really hard for me, but then again, it’s supposed to be. So I will try again.
  • Running, I’ve taken a good months pause from running which was great, but I forgot how much it calms me and clears my mind. So I’m back at it.
  • I need to be alone enough, to restore my energy and get that clear space in my head. It’s very necessary for me. Haven’t done it enough the last month and I can really feel it.
  • I say thanks every night for the day when I go to sleep, it’s my way of ending the day and calming myself ready for sleep.
  • I need to write more again, it’s my way of therapy and it actually makes me feel really good. It’s a challenge but that’s why it’s good for me.
  • This is a funny one, maybe, but I love to collect quotes and hand write them to my notebook. It just makes me feel good, that’s it. 🙂
  • I want to forgive, more forgiveness because it doesn’t only release you from hate and anger but it gives you so much peace and you don’t let the fact control you anymore.
  • I want to say at least once a day to myself that I love myself. ❤
  • And I want to let myself be that weird happy bubble that I have been and what I truly am.

So I’m going to get back to these, and I know that quite fast I will get myself back on track. Which will help me with the challenges and goals I have now in my life. The fact is that if I can’t find another job with my current one, I can’t say yes to this amazing safe haven of an apartment. And if I don’t work towards that goal that means so much to me, I won’t be able to stay in Copenhagen, which would make me really sad, because going back to Finland is not an option.

I feel like part of the anger and sadness that I was dwelling in this week was because I knew that even if I felt like giving up and that nothing makes any sense, I also knew that I can’t just give up because I don’t do that anymore. So obviously that annoyed the shit out of me, me trying to behave like I have before in a time in my life when it just doesn’t work anymore. To be fair, to myself, I am better than that.

It’s normal to get caught up in life, loose yourself at times, but I had to remember that I am not that lost that I can’t get back. I had to go low to remember how great things really are. That’s normal and at times needed. But I can’t let it drown me and make me loose my course.

PMA ❤

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