It’s been super interesting to see how this current situation can make us feel, all same but all very different. Self care has taken a front seat while none of us really know how to deal with all these emotions, on top of living our lives with everything that is part of them. Nothing really stops, truly stops even though the world is in a lockdown like situation.
Today was the first day for me when it all felt a bit too much, I woke up absolutely exhausted and drained. I needed a day off for myself, thankfully I didn’t have work, which also sounds weird. I am thankful that I had a day off to feel this all without the need to push through like we usually have to on days like these. But it feels just weird because I would love to be able to work my regular hours too, that’s just not the case right now. Hopefully soon it will again.
But the thing is, I’ve been really positive and in a way inspired for the last month and a halfish, and I was sick with the virus for 3 and a half weeks of that. During that time, I felt calm because I couldn’t really do anything about it all than to rest and get better, with the hope that it doesn’t get worse and me needing to go to the hospital. I felt extremely lucky that I was able to stay at home, in a familiar comfortable place where my mind was at ease.
I remember how weirdly freaked out I was before the virus really started hitting the globe, my close friend even said that you have to stop reading the news so much. And then when I got sick all of that just vanished.
Now as my own life has taken a bit of a normalish beat, as I do work half of the week and feel in a way safer going to work and to the supermarket, it’s like I live in my own bubble while it all happens around me. It even sounds weird when I read it but that’s how it feels when I think about it.
But is it all sustainable, the being positive and trucking along to a better future. Are we supposed to be able to do that?
Like I said, normal life still keeps happening in the midst of this all, and it won’t stop. People get pregnant, they fall in love or break up, we lose loved ones, people or loved family pets, we worry about money and our jobs, our bodies and our weight, joke about things that we did before while at times almost feeling guilty, we get laid off from work or hired to a new one. Things move on whether we like it or not.
Some people have gone to a overdrive of being productive and others just froze in a way and let the situation surround them in certain kind of fear. If you use social media you see all of it. This has brought out the best and absolutely worst in people, possibly something that is good, at least when thinking who you want to share your life in the future when this is all over. When we’re back to “normal” that will not be the same as it was before this, it’s impossible. This has shown that we really do care about others, and also how torn this world can be.
What I noticed during my month long sick leave was that I found this peace and clarity that I had been searching and yearning for probably the past year. I was finally able to really listen to myself and my gut in what I want from my life and for myself. I had the time to be with myself in a way when there was nothing bothering me. For that I am very grateful, it came in a time that I truly needed it. I didn’t even know how much I needed it before I was in it.
What came to me the most was that my goals and dreams haven’t really changed, they just got stronger. This clarity about my appearance found it’s way to me, something I’ve struggled quite a bit the past couple of years. I realised things that I had pushed away in fear, because in the end many of the things we care the most are pushed to the side because of fear. Fear of not succeeding, fear of the unknown, fear of what if I actually could be amazing at it. Whatever it might be.
Even if I feel low and blue now, it’s just my human nature finding it’s way in this all. It’s a time me and my friends have never been before and hopeful don’t have to be soon again. The way we’ve been there and supported each other in this around the world has been one of the things keeping me sane. When I’ve felt strong, I’ve been there for my friends, and when I’ve been low they’ve been there for me. We share this all in our own ways together.
What I do know is that I don’t want to got back to what was before. I want to use this time to gently challenge myself in those things I went through with myself in the past month. I want to move forward, not feel stuck anymore, I’ve done enough of that already. It’s my time to push on.
My future is up to me. That is not as scary anymore, it’s actually very exciting.
Being truthful and open, loving… those are the things that push me on. No need to hide those parts of me that I hid for too long before this. It’s time again to be brave and dare. Those who use this time to invent new, push boundaries of what they did before, share who they are and what they believe in, those are the ones making it through well.
We are all allowed to feel it all, to let ourselves feel whatever comes to us while going through some of the weirdest times of our lives. There’s no need to feel guilty if something good happens in your life, you are allowed to celebrate your success. You’re allowed to feel anxious and blue, it’s only normal. It’s all valid.
What will carry us through is a mindset that we truly are in this together. Being selfish will not carry us too far. But you are allowed to take time for you, to not be there for anyone too. That doesn’t make you a bad person in any way. You like we all, need the time to process and heal while living your life.
We got this.