The Funny Thing Is That We Don’t Really Have As Much Time As We Think…

received_10155286336103458.jpegI’ve read those words quite a few times in the past years. It took until end of 2016 and all of 2017 to really deeply understand what they mean. We really need to lose a lot to understand how delicate and short this life of ours is. We love to judge others, no interest in understanding why some do what they do or decide to do with their lives. Why would we when we aren’t really living and doing what we truly want?

I was in a massive stress ball the whole of 2017, wondering at times why I just keep trucking along despite it all. When I lost my Grandpa, I made decisions I knew would set me free. My body was not in a good state because of the amount of the stress, my mind was strong as fuck but my exhaustion levels ran so high that I didn’t even know myself at times. I was just moving forward because I didn’t know anything else. I wanted to handle what I had with a manner that I could stand behind. I roughly saying, deleted people from my life that I needed to be without, knowing that my choices will cause some words, not caring because I knew I’m doing the right thing for myself. The way I handled 2017, I am immensely proud of myself, knowing I’ve made mistakes on the way like normal human beings do but being true to myself and fixing my errors when needed. I lived the year that I thought wasn’t even real at times, with the honesty I didn’t know before I had in me. So can not be anything else than proud.

I read this article today about what and how would we live our lives if we knew that we only have a week left to live? Or 5 years or 6 months? Have you ever thought about those, I have… My last year got me too close to those thoughts. Even though I thought that I’ve lived honestly the past years of my life, I knew nothing. I’m not saying that it’s always needed to lose a lot to see more clearly but shit, when you lose loved ones that shit makes you think. Especially when you lose a close friend whose the same age as you and someone whose been in your life since day 1.

I know that I’m not everyone’s cup of tea, but that’s completely okay. No problem whatsoever. I’m not living for you or your imaginary friend, I’m here for me and my loved ones, while being good to all who are around me because I have no need to not be nice to you unless you do something that makes me question your being. I do judge at times, I’m a goddamn human, so will never be perfect which is actually really freeing. But I will also be me without compromising, I have no time for that anymore. If you can’t take me, that’s not really my problem, sorry. Basically if I need to sum it up, it’s like this… Fuck expectations, no time for that, do you, be you, stay humbly honest and YOU!

Good friend of mine wrote about how this all glorified freelance life isn’t actually for everyone and how there’s nothing wrong with loving and doing your 9 to 5. I was in the middle of changing my life to what it is now and had been battling with where I should be heading work wise for the past few years, especially after my wrist surgeries. She was able to nail all my feels about who I am and how I have been feeling. I’m forever grateful for her words that came when they came. Partly because of them and this childlike dream, I work where I work now and goddamn love every damn day of it. Yes, it’s still just a month in but damn I’m back to what I love. I am, whether I want it or not, a customer service kind of worker, that’s my jam, that’s where I excel. That’s weirdly in my being and core. I always thought that it’s a thing you do when you’re young and then you need to grow up from it and figure out something grown up to do?! But what the fuck is that?! If you are at your best when helping people, and you can do your job with honesty and sell things that you believe in, why not actually do what you were meant to do? And once I started at my job, I realised how I’ve basically done the same job in different ways my whole life, if I’ve gone away from my path I have been doing really badly, so keep doing you, once again. So, oh hai, I’m your local heritage jeans and boots sales lady. And I love the shit out of my job!

But is there anything I feel I miss in my life, now that I have a dream job and another starting next week? I have dream friends, not many but that’s what I love. Family who supports me.

Well… If you’ve read my pieces longer, you know that I haven’t been the luckiest with love but always been courageous and had a faith in the whole thing, no matter what. But you also have to realise that I’ve been alone for a reason for the past 3ish years. Once you’ve been hurt the way I have and you want to get out better on the other side and not carry the weight of your old pain to something new, you want and need to be on your own to fix your own damn self. Love being who you are alone, and that’s what I’ve done. I have no problem being on my own, this shit rocks, maybe too much at times for my own good. But my heart is still on my sleeve, never left, just questioned if it was smart anymore.

It’s taken me few years to come to a place in my life where I feel that I would be willing to let someone in my life. I don’t need someone but there’s starting to be room for someone in it. I don’t yearn love or someone, but in all honesty I do have moments when I yearn the feel of someones skin on mine, or touch of someones fingers, or cuddles, spooning or hugs from behind. Yeah, those things I miss these days at some moments. And sex, because I’m a grown ass woman who loves her body. Nothing wrong with that.

There’s also this funny thing, that I could be super jealous of my best friend and his new love, which is annoyingly perfect and amazing. But I’m just that annoying myself that I’m over the moon happy for him and his love. That shit makes me happy, because the happiness I wish for someone I love is that kind of happiness. It doesn’t make me feel like I’m lacking something, it makes me think how damn lucky I’m to have a friend like that and to see that kind of real love. A love I have in me, and one day someone to shower with it.

After working pretty much all the time since I started, because I really love what I do, if I didn’t tell you that already, I am having a rare free Saturday today, which is the weirdest feeling ever. As I’ve lived very much freely for the past couple of years with no real days in my life. It’s also one of the first days in really long time that I am doing nothing as I had done everything during the week, I had nothing to do even at home that should be done. I felt lost and just wanted to go to work. But there are benefits when being alone when that feels weird. It’s needed. You might feel that you want to do something, or feel restless or just confused, that shit is normal. Just relax. And I’m saying that as much to myself as to you.

In all honesty, at the moment I’m in my sweats, drinking red wine I got for Christmas from a regular glass and listening to Finnish grime. All the while I kind of hoped spending tonight in a different manner, this will do. And that’s me being honest, even if I was a bit bummed before. We all need these moments when we wish for something else and get this haha. This stuff is life.

So, with all that being said, I’m not about making new years resolutions but I am challenging myself to keep my home clean and organized because I had no energy last year for that and I would love to have my home ready for someone to visit whenever, even though my home is kind of holy to me… But still, this is a challenge that my mind will thank me for.

PMA ❤

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Freedom

received_10155286336918458.jpegHave you ever stood next to the oceans soaring powers, spread your arms wide and just screamed from the deepest pits of your power? Well… I did the last time this past weekend and that my friends is real freedom!

There’s something insanely powerful with letting yourself feel that vulnerable as when you open your mouth and take a deep breath before letting it all out. We should do that more I am sure of that, but that doesn’t really come to mind these days, even though we have more to scream out than ever before. At least I had. It doesn’t have to be a bad feeling that or anxiety you scream out, it can be out of pure happiness! Just let yourself free from all that you’ve hold in and feel the deep rooted freedom sinking in.

But what is freedom, to you? How you manifest it in your life, or do you?

I believe that we need to go through a lot to be able to learn what freedom means to us, or at least we need to be able to stop for a bit to appreciate who we are. Stopping for a breather isn’t the cool thing these days, or let’s put that in another way, it’s way too cool to a level that you need to tell everyone you are stopping, then take a photo of that and share your stopping to everyone, to let them know you are amazing at it… Might sound harsh but it feels like it’s the truth these days.

There’s songs about walking to the beat of your drum, amazing songs I might add. But what does that mean and how do you in reality do that. Are we really free to be us in a way we truly want to be or are we deep down scared of the realness of our wishes and hopes. And yes, I am noticing I’m questioning myself a lot after my Grandpa passed away. But that’s only a good thing, it makes me push myself out of my content numb comfort zones. A bit uncomfortable at times, let me be honest. But needed and who I really am, always questioning the “norm”.

I think freedom is to walk away, it’s the power to say what you will keep carrying and what not. Freedom is the notion that you are allowed to change as many times you need. Freedom to be free from struggle that you weren’t supposed to carry in the first place, or were you? Maybe that was your way to freedom. All those steps before you set yourself free from the struggle that you needed to go through to be strong enough to know what you deserve and what not. Freedom is to stop hating yourself for what you’re not and loving what you are. The more you question, the more you level up in the game of lessons learned.

Never forget that it’s not mandatory to stay still and just accept what’s going on around you if it doesn’t make you comfortable. You are allowed, and yes I’m writing this again as it’s that important, you are allowed to change as many times you feel you need or want!

Love yourself enough to let yourself free from the chains you’ve built around you.

PMA ❤

Why Now? Why Not Now?

Photo Esa Laukkanen

It’s said that when it rains it pours… I can safely say that this past six months my life has been exactly that. The sheer amount of stuff happening in my life, majority of it good but also the bad or more so challenging has been there.

It’s been a long time, actually two months since my last post. In all honesty I’ve been afraid to open myself this way and write again. Something changed in me big time when I moved back home to Finland. It’s like my way of thinking when I write that I’m anonymous disappeared and I forget my courage when it came to writing. I felt and still feel that now when I’m honest and me here, it might be for some reason a bad thing. While in my coaching jobs I want to be just that to my runners and people who are around me, I want to talk about mental health and my own battle but for some reason I got scared of how open and raw that all makes me. In a way when we or I talk about mental health and depression, it’s almost like an armor and I can hide behind it. But when it comes to my own well being and how I’m coping with all this change and the ups and downs, I felt really alone though I had more people around me. I got scared of the me I really am and who I am so insanely proud of, who’s gotten me this far. For some reason, here in my home country I felt and feel way more visible than ever when I lived abroad.

My main passion or goal is bringing more awareness to living with depression and mental health in general, if through running I can bring that I’m happy. I’ve finally found a way to be me and stand proud with something I do. In this case coaching. For me it’s all about the overall well being, not just the running part, it’s the complex whole of us. I don’t even know if I could coach anyone without letting them in a bit, so that I can be more for them. That’s my strength but it’s also the reason why I feel extremely depleted at times, and those are the moments when my mental health and the highly sensitive mind kicks me into overdrive and I feel like a loser and overall nothing, maybe for a second but still.

It’s this funny paradox that when you have all going like you’ve wanted for so long in your life, you’ve found a way that’s yours and you feel confident and right. And then it kicks in, that asshole depressive mind, that just wants to fuck you and your confidence up! That’s mental health for you.

I’ve had to go from loosing one of my best friends, to getting a coaching position that I couldn’t even dream of, to getting the news that my already operated wrist is a complete fuck up and needs few new operations, to finding my confidence and demanding what I felt is right and fighting for all that and succeeding, to realizing that one of my closest and dearest is slowly winding away from who they were and I can’t do anything about it. I’ve gained the trust of those I wished to gain, to gotten feedback from my work that I always wished for, to gotten opportunities I couldn’t even dream of and them coming slowly true, to being rejected on a personal level and realizing how much that actually can hurt (again, as it’s somehow still easy to forget), to not wanting to give up because why the hell would I do that?!

I feel really loved but at the same time really lonely, it’s that old feeling that doesn’t let go. Or more like that when you’re already a bit down, having that moment in your life where things don’t feel the best, then it hits you. Those feelings that you didn’t even remember existing because maybe you didn’t feel that they were there anymore or you had made that decision that they aren’t part of you. Walking with a badge of honor for something you’re afraid of saying out loud. Sometimes it takes a hit from a cold and wet towel to your face to realize what you want and why you want it.

In this case, I had to admit that I am insanely good at and love coaching, and that I want to get better at it. That I have to find my own balance and boundaries when it comes to my way of coaching, so that I won’t deplete on a regular. That maybe I do feel alone at times, and that it would actually be nice to have someone in my life, that I don’t need to feel like there’s something wrong in that. How nice would it be to fall asleep on someone’s arms? Really damn nice.

For me this past couple of months has been a time of being me more than ever before, once again. And a time of realization of what I want and what I want to let go. And how I don’t, really honestly don’t have to carry this load of life on my own shoulders alone all the time, it’s ok to feel weak and tired and need others to be there. I still suck majorly on that department but I’m getting better at it. I also hope that with this post, I could slow and steady get over my fear of being me here and writing again, even if that means that someone here in Finland actually reads this and might even say something to me about it… Shit that is scary! I’m honestly terrified of that. No jokes whatsoever!

Writing your being out. That stuff is my therapy, just like running is. But it’s also putting yourself out there in a way that anyone, whoever can put you down or comment or just very honestly dislike you. I don’t think I’m any braver than anyone else for starting my journey the way I did. I still hope the same thing I did back then, maybe if I can help one person somewhere around the world to feel like they are not alone, then I feel like I’ve done what I set out to do, without realizing it back then.

So, what this new beginning is, basically… I’m challenging my own damn self to do something I love and enjoy again, whether I am scared shitless or not.

PMA ❤

Running, Running Less, Running More, Running You, Running Them

adidasrunners_170215_osk_5324I’ve been thinking my own relationship with running a lot now that it’s pretty daily in my life again, in a totally different way than before. It’s not all about me anymore, it’s mostly about me being there for others through running. It’s a different way of looking the whole thing.

It’s been super interesting listening others speak about their journeys and stories with running, and obviously you go through your own next to it, in your mind. It’s been interesting to answer questions about how I look at training or the lack of it or whatever running related.

I’ve had my massive ups and downs with running, from being completely in love with it, to hating it to a level that I didn’t want anything with it. I don’t think that running is for every one, why should it be? We all have something that makes our blood pump in a way that it shines with the biggest smile from our faces. Everyone can run, and if running is something that you want to try, I highly recommend it, as even though my own journey being so vast I’ve had more positives from it than ever negatives. I’ve learned so damn much about myself that it doesn’t even make sense on my day to day life.

But the thing is that like with any other relationship in life, it might end up with running that you just don’t love it anymore and you need to breakup. My beautiful friend, Bangs and a Bun wrote an excellent piece about this exact thing. You can read it here. I’ve had my own breakup with running, and it felt so damn good! I needed to take that break from it all to see why I even wanted to run, or did I? I needed to see why I had run in the first place and why I had fallen so far from the fun aspect of it. Why didn’t I feel like it was fun anymore.

So much of the time, majority of the time, we put this massive pressure on ourselves through others. When it comes to running or any other activity in life, we seem to do it even more. With all these tracking apps and groups, it’s easy to loose the sight of why I do this, rather than compare yourself with what and why others do what they do. But the truth is that what and why or how much others do, is their business, none of ours. If you move for the likes, you’re already on the wrong path. That shizz ain’t bringing you closer to the benefits that you could get from the joy of moving, it’s drawing you further. Yes, when we see someone doing something that we want to do too, it can be used as a motivation to push ourselves out the door when we least want it, but it needs to come from an honest and loving place in you. Not hating what you aren’t doing, and or feeling guilty that something just doesn’t feel like you now or anymore. Wanting to change is totally okay, taking a break is totally okay. Taking a year long break is totally okay if that feels the right thing to do.

I’ve been jealous and felt envy of people, a lot at times but the truth is that that’s always my insecurities speaking their ill language to me. If someone is skinnier or faster, so fucking what. That’s a mantra that I have to remind myself with, still. I’m not perfect, thank goodness! I have jiggly bits, my belly is far from having six pack, and YES I have cellulite, but when I move I feel strong because that’s me and I am doing something that has given me a chance of staying alive.

We tend to compare ourselves to others, or to some past moment with ourselves. I do that too, I have moments when I wish that my body right now could be where it was almost two years ago, when I was in the best shape in my whole life. But hey, life happened, and stuff changed, jiggly bits came back and that booty got little bit more stuffing, ain’t nothing wrong with that. If and but, you can look at yourself with loving eyes and say that no matter what is the situation right now, you still love who you are. That is not easy, I’m not saying that it’s easy for me, but with almost 5 years of fighting myself while at the same time realising that I’m feeling so much better, noticing the positivity growing and growing, I had to admit that being loving to myself and speaking lovingly are just the things that make the most sense, that’s it.

So, if running is your thing, do it! If not, don’t and find something that puts that massive smile on your face. 🙂 Run alone, run with friends or crews or groups, do it hard, do it with all the dance breaks in the middle, do it slow, stop and smell the roses, the end “line” can always wait and it will be there no matter the pace.

My own relationship with running took almost year long break, I just didn’t want to do it, I had done it so much. I felt that my whole life was all about running and I was tired. I felt that why had I once hoped to do a job that involves running. I felt that I was only about running and wasn’t sure how to have other things in life in a balance with who I was in my running shoes on. I didn’t know how to mix all the sides of Me. I needed to stare at the wall of why enough to want to try running again, to see if it could be something that I could love again. I was scared shitless when I laced my shoes again last summer, I was so out of shape, and it was just pure misery. But that teeny tiny flicker of Me was there from that first miserable run back. That’s how I knew that I need to give running another chance. And I don’t need to be in a relationship with it like I was before, I am allowed and can shape it how it fits me and who I am now best. That’s what I am doing now, as the founder of my own crew, KARMA Runners and as a coach on adidas Runners here in Helsinki. I am combining all my sides together and running just happens to be something that ties them together.

Be gentle with yourself. It’s okay to not love something that once you loved the most. Take a break from it all, try something completely new. It’s all okay and allowed. And it takes time. Remember to listen to your gut, that thing is smart!

PMA ❤

 

People, We Need To Rest So We Can Push On With Our Dreams!

wp-1486894105825.pngI’m a massive believer in resting, mind body and soul. Without rest it’s nearly impossible to be able to push on with something that you find passionate for you, those dreams and goals. Always moving forward with the fastest speed isn’t bringing you closer to your goal, it might make you speed past it and forget to live while you’re at it.

Last year I took a long break of all I had done a lot the past years, running and writing. I didn’t feel inspired in any way, so the best thing I could do was to take a break. That was the best thing because I had time to listen to myself, fall to the depths and climb back, to remember who I am and what I want to accomplish now, and giving myself the moment to realize that it’s okay to change what you are moving towards. It’s okay to change your journey and goals, nothing wrong with that.

Looking back now, I started moving far from who I truly was the past year and that’s the main reason why I felt so lost and confused. I forgot to stay true to myself, no matter how much I wanted and thought of it. I forgot my strengths and power, the thing that makes me Me. For some reason I thought that I should change who I am to be able to get to where I wanted to head, though not even knowing where that was. So basically I was just aiming to nothing.

From the start of this year, or actually starting end of last year, something in me changed. Reminding me of who I am and that should never change. Maybe I needed to hit the wall of pain once again to remember. Sometimes that is needed, that’s it.

Now that I’ve been truly me, my life is filling with opportunities and insanely amazing moments that make me feel the biggest highs. Because I am me, I am radiating the possibility and what I have in me out of me, where others can see it and if they like it, give me opportunities to be me with them.

The reality is that once we realize that when we are true to ourselves the best things will come to our lives. It’s not easy but damn it’s good! It’s so worth it, trust me. Someone will see that and give you the chance you’ve been hungry for all these years.

But if I hadn’t taken the time out of my own life in a way, none of this would be happening in my life right now. I wouldn’t be confident enough to go after my dreams, I wouldn’t be even ready to say them to myself. So I really needed that break and to rest myself. Then and still everyday today.

Now that my life has taken massive steps forward I remind myself daily that I need to rest so that I can do what I want. I can’t let that intoxicating feeling of all the good get the best of me and realize too late that I am exhausted.

Rest is the time when you get to recharge yourself and be able to take what comes next. It’s different for all of us, but it’s equally important. And sleeping enough is one of the biggest, do not under estimate the benefits of sleep!

For me it’s meditating in the mornings with Headspace app, it’s simple enough and takes 15minutes, but the benefits are massive. I am able to start my day with a mindset that is ready to take the fast pace with calmness. I don’t have to drown myself in it anymore, I am able to stay calm and still be excited. When it comes to running, I take restdays to let my body recover, especially now that I am coming back from a long pause of normal training. I’m easing my body and mind to that all, letting that feeling come back when I yearn to run again and it feels good and is really something I want to do rather than have to do. I also keep a balance in my life with challenging myself with a new hobby, fly tying and soon fly fishing. When my life is now a lot about running and being quite social, I balance it out with time for myself in a totally different surrounding doing something that I have no clue from before. I’m also extremely grateful for this all, that I’m able to do what I am and have the opportunities I have. I do not take them for granted. I am really proud of the work I’ve done to be able to be here, but it’s taken me years and hasn’t been easy by any measure. There’s been a lot of tears, jealousy and negativity, but I wasn’t ready. I’m a working progress and always will be, now I just know and accept it. So I’m able to be ready for certain opportunities.

If we don’t rest the complex whole of our mind, body and soul, we won’t be able to do the things we want to accomplish in the end. Do not try to fool your body, that shit will always outsmart you, believe me!

And remember, really let this sink in, comparison will kill the living daylight out of you! What someone else is doing, doesn’t mean that you need to or should be able to do the same. We are all just one, and that makes us so damn special. ❤

So, rest up, ain’t nothing wrong with that! Find your way to do it and enjoy!

PMA ❤