It’s Complicated, My Relationship With My Body

You remember when you had the option to choose “it’s complicated” as your relationship status on FB? Or maybe it’s still there, no idea. Yeah, that came to my mind tonight while I was walking and thinking things, like I usually do while moving. It made me think of my body, or more how my relationship with my body has always been a bit complicated.

It goes to my relationship with food too, but I feel that those two are basically the same, at least sometimes.

I was walking, fairly fast and thinking how this can be my best when it’s only four years since I ran my strongest Ultra Marathon. And how I build myself physically from close to zero to that in only couple of years. Four years feels such a tiny amount of time that it just doesn’t make any sense when I think about it.

Around that time I was also in the best shape in how I felt about my body in general. I was strong and still curvy in the right places to me. I was at least 20kg lighter than I am now with my little over 90kg. Which is the heaviest I’ve ever been. And I can tell that it’s a lot to carry.

You feel this amount of excess on you in too many ways. I’m also in that age that things like this really make a difference. I remember how one day few months ago I was walking the stairs to home after work, and I realised how out of breath I was. It scared me and made me feel super bummed out. I was just thinking how did this happen.

I was really active kid, and I loved to move my body all the way to my early adulthood and then it just stopped. I remember noticing that if I don’t move my body or do nothing, I gain weight really easy. But I was also battling one of the worst depressions at that time too. And when I get depressed, I eat. Those two go together way too well in me. And my poor body went up and down while I went through my depression.

That’s how it’s always been. My body has to try to hold on while my head is having it’s “moment”. It’s gone from healthy and active to overweight and sluggish so many times that it’s scary to really think back. And now I’m in that overweight and sluggish in a way I’ve never been and while I got tired of my overall nothingness, I got tired of feeling shitty about my body too. But it’s not any easier to be patient with your body than your mind, probably even harder as you really have to do the work yourself. I can ask for help but I still have to move my body myself and think what I eat.

And it’s funny how we view our self worth through how our body looks, and how we think others look at us. On my walk I remember how I viewed my self worth through how someone else wanted me, in a sexual way, when I was younger. It feels so crazy but it felt really normal back then, in my early twenties. Basically if someone wanted to have sex with you, then you were something. In my case, that kind of behavior lasted really short amount time, which I am extremely happy about. But it doesn’t change the fact that we all still in our adult years have moments when we think our worth through the idea of someone wanting us sexually.

Even as a 35 year old woman I have moments when I think if that someone thinks of me, or if that person misses me, or was I just a weird weak moment? I am fairly sure I’m not alone in those kinds of thoughts. And it’s such a weird combination because why does any of those matter when it comes to how I view my body. But the reality is that even though I’m in a fairly good place with myself, the way I view my body and self worth, I still want to feel wanted. Like any of us. But when you have a hard time getting your butt moving and feeling better about yourself, it’s hard to believe that I could be wanted in that way too.

So, yeah, it is complicated. The relationship between yourself and your body. It’s all part of the bigger picture of how you think of yourself. And as lately I’ve had to face my fears and thoughts of myself, this is coming up too. On top of the actual fact that all of my clothes are just too small for me. And my stubborn ass doesn’t want to or more like can’t afford to buy bigger just for the sake of it. I want to be able to look my naked body in the mirror and be proud of my capable and strong body, and not feel like I do now, a bit disappointed and sad. But it is tied together, the more I move my body and do things that make me feel better, I slowly see myself and the world in a clearer way. But it’s just such a slow process that the willingness to keep moving forward takes all I have in myself and I fail more than I care to admit. I still am the master of I’ll start tomorrow or next Monday. And I wish I would realise that I’ve done so many amazing things already that I should know that I can do this now too. But I guess I just have to show it all to myself once again. I already have a goal in mind, but I’ll keep that to myself for now.

For me right now, it’s baby steps, slow and steady. Trying my hardest to be gentle but firm with myself. Remind myself that I really can do and be better for my own sake. This is for myself, no one else. Even with all those thoughts, but they just make me a human with real and normal wants and wishes.

PMA ❤

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Guilt Trip Game

received_2290259371213480.jpegWhy do we do it? Is it a mainly female thing or do guys do it too to themselves? Why on earth we guilt trip our minds to the point of it affecting every aspect of our lives? I’m very much confused and tired as hell of this ingrown guilt trip game my head seems to love. Especially if I feel a touch down and out, oh it loves to sink it’s claws on me then, and hard.

But seriously, is this guilt trip thing something us ladies only do. Are guys able to always be confident in themselves and just move a long with their lives? Because sometimes it really feels like it.

I was sick with a weird combination of fever and migraine this past week and in those days when I wasn’t sleeping, I was in my thinking thoughts like I tend to  be quite a bit. But one thing that came back all the time was this guilt of not being enough at work, feeling and knowing I hadn’t done my best. And the worst part of it was and is, that it’s been this on going struggle this Spring. I’ve somehow let my outside work life affect my ability to be my best at my job. It’s annoying on so many levels, but especially as I know how easy it would for me to better my performance. But I’ve been in some stuck, I can’t do shit mode in my head, and I haven’t found a way out of there. And is there anything better than the feeling that you’re failing your own expectations and most likely of your boss. Obviously, as with my personality this could sound like I’m expecting too much of myself, but I can promise you that this time it’s not the case. I’ve just purely been shit.

And with that, you get easily caught up in this self shame and guilt trip cycle, that is definitely not helping. For that I have the best kind of personality. Period.

But in those sick days of mine, I had time to think why I keep doing that to myself. And what it is in the end that let’s me sink in that hole that deep. Point blank it’s my insecurities. My fear of success. Things I wrote about a week ago. But the other side of it is the question of “why still?”. It’s not like I’ve never worked on these issues. It’s not like I don’t know that I’m pretty damn far from who I’ve been in my past. So why on earth it’s so hard for me to let go, truly let go, of the past and move on with my life. Giving myself a chance I truly deserve. Why and what is so scary about it all?

Since I was a kid, I’ve been real good at limiting my happiness. Which sounds really weird for some of you. But I’ve been a deep thinker my whole life, and in a way too comfortable with my darker sides. It has it’s benefits but it also makes me feel certain things in a way that I really wouldn’t need to.

I’ve always chose the harder path on my journey, I could’ve easily, so easily done things that would’ve made this whole thing a bit more of a smooth ride. But nope. And there’s something about the fact that I had to grow up when others were getting to know themselves and figuring out who they are in this world. My learning process got flipped upside down and for way too many years of my life, I was always worried about someone or something. Usually what others thought of this or that about what I would want to do with my life. So most of the things I never did. Point blank.

Now I’m in this weird, very weird, age when you’re supposed to be a grown human, but I feel more child than I ever have before. Even when I actually were a kid, because back then I always felt more grown than my peers. And it’s messing with my head, big time. I feel like the things coming out of my mouth are super childish, the way I behave is too. I’m lost in this place that I don’t know how to navigate. I’ve lost my bearings and I don’t know how to get them back.

And the fact that I’ve always done things a bit harder on myself, does not help. I expect so much of myself, while knowing that they are impossible things to expect. I get so caught up in it all that I feel frozen and end up doing nothing at all. I was thinking my work career in general and how it has been for me. And I found that every time I’ve found something I might like and/or be good at, I dive head first and give my all and above and then after a while, I feel like I’m drowning and my performance is close to pure shit. It feels even worse when you actually really like the field you’re in and your place of work. But this time I know, for a fact, that I haven’t done my best, not even close. And it has been pissing me off big time, and it’s unfortunately been part of this bigger ball of “what the actual fuck are you doing with your life? do you think that giving up is still the option to go for? like could you please get a fucking grip of yourself because you are not doing any favors to anyone, and least yourself?”. Yes, I might be a bit hard on myself at times, but this time I know I have a reason to be. I can and will admit what I have been.

What I could do is to let myself sink in deeper into this hole of self loathing, shame and guilt tripping… But I could also face my own shit and fix it. If my own behavior is pissing ME off, then I’m more than the only one able to fix it. I still remember all too well what my ex said to me, one of the good ones, when I was complaining about something about myself. He said that could you please do something about that issue, or please do not bitch and moan about it all the time. The thing is that it’s not changing by talking about it, but it will if my behavior and work ethic about my whole damn life changes. I’m the only one who can do that. I’m still not able to change the past, but I am able to be better today and tomorrow. First to myself and by that to others. Because if I don’t want to hang with myself, why on earth would anyone else? And I have friends, amazing friends who support and love me no matter what. That’s new to me and it also confuses me. Because my head likes to spin things into “why would they want to be my friends? I don’t deserve that because I fucked up something that one time almost ten years ago, so I never deserve anything good in my life”.

I want to understand why it’s so damn hard for me to give myself the option to just be good. Why me having a life that feels good is so terrifying? Why I let the past have that kind of hold of me?

You know how it’s hard to see the work you’ve done, when you’re the closest to yourself. Well it’s really damn hard to really see how much has changed for the better in the past couple of years in my life. And now something idiotic in me is trying to ruin it all by being a dick, and mostly to others because I’m not being even half of what I could be. I’m not letting myself be what I could be is even closer to it.

I don’t know if my body decided to stop me in my tracks with that migraine/fever mix to finally really see the realities of my current life. I do believe our bodies are a lot smarter than we can ever be, so that might be the case. Because, for gods sake, I really have to stop feeling this damn sorry for myself, it’s just getting very old.  If I want to be better, I actually have to do better which means actual actions, not thoughts or talking about any of it. Because I really should know how talk is pure bullshit if you don’t deliver what you say.

This is a constant journey of working progress. Like my very smart friend reminded me. I know it, but why do I keep forgetting it, still?

Maybe me being open and vulnerable about myself again, is the way for me to keep myself accountable. Maybe I should do what I did before, when I decided and actually did change my life for the better. I’ve done it before, so it’s a bit tired and boring to try to be like I can’t do it now.

I apologize to those who I’ve been a bit a of tired dick to. To those who have been giving me a slack for my shitty work. I really am because if it bothers me this much I know for a fact that there’s a lot of room for improving. And all I can do is to actually improve what I do. I can’t be pissed off to others for their success if I’m not willing to do jackshit about my own. No more hiding. This is it.

I am enough. I deserve the good just like others. It’s okay to be me. And like the beautiful Nayyirah Waheed writes “What about this theory. The fear of not being enough, and the fear of being “too much”. Are exactly the same fear. The fear of being you.”

PMA ❤

Fear. The Biggest Of Them All.

Fear. The ultimate thing holding us back, or at least me. Fear is something we don’t like to admit feeling, especially as a grown up. But fear is the biggest of them all, after love I guess.

I’m stuck in a fear filled living at the moment in my life. I’ve lost my confidence in a way I had it before, not even that long time ago. It’s only few years. I do get back to that Me at times, that confident me. But then the fear, the gut wrenching fear finds me again and wraps me in like an octopus.

I remember all too well how when I was a child, I didn’t fear that much. I rather drove headfirst to a parked buss with my bike than not, just to feel how it would feel. Not the smartest experiment but still. I did things on my own with no fear, just because I wanted to know and see and feel and taste. I had that fearless me in me for quite a long time, and then all of sudden it got lost.

It got lost in those years when others tried to find themselves but I had to grow up. Sometimes it goes like that and you try to find yourself in your adult years, like I am doing now. I used to jump to unknown a lot, learned maybe too many life lessons, but I still am grateful for all of them. Even the one that made me want to be alone for this long, as I have now, for probably closer to four years. Fear is the reason still, in my bones if nowhere else, why I don’t let people too close.

Fear is also the main reason for me not to give myself a chance to live a life I deserve. I’ve lived so many years, too many years in a constant struggle, with myself or the outside matters of my life that now, when I would and do have a chance to move on from all of those, I am terrified how my life and myself would be.

I’ve worked my ass off, to go through my issues, alone and with my therapist. I know that I have no reason to hold myself back like I am at the moment. Deep down I know that I deserve all the good, but this nagging fear of me not being enough has taken over and I’m not sure how to fight it off.

Or I do, I’ve taken many small steps towards that life, the life that I dream in my sleep and when I look around, or when I see myself in the mirror.

It takes so much courage to admit that you can’t do it all on your own, it takes all in you to ask for help. But I’m extremely tired of being this afraid of every aspect of my life. The fear, that F word has sucked me dry out of my confidence at work, with my own goddamn journey that feels like it’s moving on and I can’t keep up. You need to get to a point of reaching a wall of tiredness and especially being tired of your own bullshit of actually not giving enough fucks of your own happiness. I’m there now.

I’ve carried certain things for way too long, feeling like I deserve the shit. If I made a mistake with my finances in my twenties, which I am paying back with extremely high price now, that I should never have an easier life. Just because I fucked it all up once… But for fucks sake, I took those steps that scared me the most, and I searched for help and now things are moving to a better direction, but still. I get near panic attacks when my paycheck comes, as I see the hard work move to a place that is at the same time the best and the worst. As if there is one thing that will eat your confidence and let the fear of nothing in, it’s the fact that you as a 35 year old woman have to relie on your parents.

The fact that I’ve carried my shitty finance issues with me for as long as I have, is the main reason for my lack of healthy relationships, it’s the reason for my love for being alone, as then I can control the little I can. I was hurt extremely deep few years ago, but like my therapist says, I’ve worked myself out of that and actually am ready for love and letting someone in. But in me I know that as long as my finances are in a state they are right now, I just don’t want to start anything.

I also have couple of things to do on my own before I can stop fearing of actually having something special in my life. I did got a taster of how it could be early this year, and it reminded me that I’m more than worthy of it.

Fear. Sabotaging your own success. Those I am the master.

Loving myself, that I am still practicing, getting better as the days go by.

I am terrified of how good my life could be, so I don’t do any of it, I hide from it. Even if it doesn’t look like that to the outside.

I need time on my own to really face these things, and admit my actual fears.

But it’s also the time to let myself free and actually live this life and not just let it slip past me, like it has now. I’ve done everything myself to get where I am now, so maybe it would be time to remember that and be proud of it all. And move the fuck on. Stop carrying the past, as it is called the past for a reason.

I’m not too old for something, nor am I too young for other. But it is high time to let go.

Let go of the fear that I let holding me back.

 

Let’s Jump To Unknown Part. 3492873

Yep, that’s how it feels. Me jumping to unknown, once again. Trying to find my core again, even the actual core of my body too. I lost that while loosing quite a few other things of myself the past years that made me feel me. Oh well, that’s how it goes and all I can do is try, once again.

I ended last year with a gentle challenge and a promise to myself to take care and love myself a bit more than I had. And that meant a lot since in 2018 I had basically just forgotten my health all together. And with that went my eating habits, and my ability to think clear and write. I should’ve known already that if I don’t move my body, my brain is on a halfsies shutdown mode. It just doesn’t work properly. And with all of those, so did my energy for anything. I did however in some magical way love myself more than before, and when it comes to selflove I ended 2018 on a high that I had not been for quite some time. For that I am extremely proud. And even with a weird year of a lot of great in it, and a lot of loosing myself, I managed to stay grounded on the love part. Not something I’ve been good before. I knew and know my worth and am readier all the time for the next chapter. I can easily say that I am pretty great, and I actually believe that. Though I’m still learning to let it sink in if someone else tells it to me… Can’t be perfect!

Today all of sudden I decided to go for a run, after probably closer to 6months, which feels insane. There’s few reasons I wanted to see how it would feel again. Firstly, not in any real order but still, I want to feel healthier this year especially as it’s the year I turn 35. I don’t want to feel how I have for the better part of last year. Worse and worse all the time. And let me tell you, the older you get getting back to some kind of rhythm is a bitch! Routine is like some foreign word that you’ve never heard before, and you’ve forgotten ALL that used to be normal to you… And again, oh well, all I can do is try again. Oh and the fact that I weight more than ever in my life, let’s just say that 90kg is not something I’m willing to carry on me any longer. And the fact that I managed to level up all that on me in only couple of years from being really healthy and active, is just a sad damn story to tell so I might just as well just change the lane for a smarter one. I’ve done it before, so I know in me that I can do it again. And no, this is not some New Years resolution.

One of the reasons for the run is that timing is a bitch, and with that I mean that I ended up in a situation early this year where I found myself falling in love with someone I never thought. But amazing things like that happen and sometimes timing is just not your buddy, or… is it maybe just that? I knew I am ready to let someone in again in my life, but was I actually ready for a full blown thing, I’m not sure. I know that this one shook me to my core, and sometimes you know by just few moments together, that this is it. But also, sometimes we have to wait for the right timing to come along. That’s it. That obviously doesn’t take away the fact that you miss that person like crazy, or feel like your tiny heart is about to burst, or that you have gazillion things you want to say to them. Or because the time we live in, send them all those gazillion stupid ass memes you’ve saved, just for them to laugh. Or you listen to those couple songs that remind you of that person. You go through all those moments with them over and over in your head and heart, or find yourself dreaming of them. Or you write things you would love them to know in your journal. Or listen to that one Chaka Khan tune and dance like crazy while tears run on your cheeks, half from sadness and half of happiness because you think about how fun it would be to dance together and just let loose. But I needed to run to let that pain free from my shoulders, as no matter how much I miss or love that person, right at this moment I also need to go forward with my days. I can’t stop my life even if the timing is a bitch. What brings me joy is the fact that I can live my life and still have that person in my heart. That’s kind of amazing. Or even the fact that I’ve met someone who is that one, the special one. But I still wish you were here, or me there, either or… ❤

I needed to run, to feel uncomfortable. Uncomfortable because damn I’ve gotten complacent, in a way that is pretty depressing. I’ve forgotten like I said, those things that bring me joy and healing. I’ve wanted to write more for such a long ass time, but basically had the worst kind of block in the world. It happened quite some time ago already, actually when I moved back to Finland. When I lived abroad I for some reason didn’t care at all if someone reads what I write, or more like what people would think of me. Which is definitely something I find myself fearing now that I live back here, work now and before in a position where people “know” me in a way that I feel at times weird. I don’t mind people from the other side of the world knowing me and my “secrets” but for some reason it feels too much when they are this close. And on top of that… well, I had my reasons to leave Finland in the first place and I still have some “issues” towards this place. The thing is that I’ve never, in my whole life, felt like I belong here. Which can sound weird, as I’ve lived most of my life here. But I wasn’t born here, and the way the country works and the mentality of us here and just the general vibe, yeah let’s use that word there, it’s something that tests me more than any other place. I get smaller here, in a way that makes me question myself in situations I don’t like, for example is it okay to wear what I want to wear or do people look at me funny. I’m not as brave here as I am when I’m somewhere else, or that’s how it feels at times. I guess I have to face those issues and then I’m free here, which means I can go wherever I need to. Because the truth is that I do know I’m moving somewhere else from here at some point, once again.

So the actual run, how did it feel. Taking the fact that I used to run ultra marathon distances, and that’s only little over 3 years ago. Three years ago! How the hell the time works is magic that you could be in the peak of your physical health only 3 years ago, while being mentally so broken you didn’t even understand it at the time. Oh how the tables have turned, now I’m basically on the other opposites. Peak of my mental health in many ways, and on the bottom when it comes to my physical health. Oh well, once a damn again… Let’s play my favorite game of finding the balance for the millionth time 😀 ! But back to that run, it felt surprisingly good. Not easy by any means, but one of those that make you think of your first run in your running journey and makes you hope for more again. THAT is definitely a thing I haven’t thought in few years. I loved running, it saved me from my drowning depression and then I ended up loosing all my interest in it, took a massive break and now, I’m ready to slowly find my way back to it. No goals, no races, none of that, just enjoying the movement of my body and the scenery. And nothing feels better, or actually many things, BUT nothing feels better than when you feel your body getting stronger and the steps getting lighter. That is something I want back. The effortless feeling of running. Not thinking anything and thinking everything at the same time.

Let’s see how this all goes in the end. I’m trying, not promising. I’m giving myself a chance for something new. I’m not who I was 4 years ago, and that’s a good thing, but I want to see who I am now. 2019 is a year of bravery, jumping to unknown again. Yep that’s what I’ll do.

PMA ❤

Connection

I’ve been thinking a lot more, deeper, lately. That might sound funny, but now after couple of weeks of running again under my belt, it feels that my brain is working in a different way again.

I’ve been thinking about connection, with others, with myself, how all of those are part of each other.

Today is a year to the day since my Grandpa passed away. He’s been on my mind quite a bit lately. I was thinking this morning on my run what makes me miss him so much, other than the fact that we always were really close. It’s the fact that we always had this special connection between us. He was my rock since day one. That’s what I miss the most, the fact that there was nothing I couldn’t talk with him to. The trust that comes with a certain kind of connection between people.

These days finding a genuine connection feels at times impossible, while at the same time it’s possible to find it in the simplest of words from a stranger. The world has changed in a way that complete strangers are able to become best friends or lovers without first seeing each other. In a way social media and other channels, make getting to know someone a lot easier, deeper if both parties are willing. Though it can also give people a chance to hide behind their screens and be someone completely different they really are. So what is the reality and the truth?

Sometimes words from a stranger mean more than from someone you know. It makes the distance between people shorter and shorter.

A lot of the time I find it easier to connect with people who don’t know all of me. People who aren’t physically close to me. Even though I work in customer service and people tend to think that I’m super open and extroverted because the way I behave at work, my true self is really sensitive and introverted. And I need insane amounts of time for myself to be alone and to charge my batteries. To find people who understand that and respect it, well those are hard to find but I’m lucky to have met few and get to call them friends. Couple of them even live in the same city as me, which is definite progress.

One of my closest friends, who lives on the other side of the world, said something really important couple of days ago. She said that a ‘friendship is still a relationship’. I think we confuse relationship too often to a romantic one. A connection is a connection, no matter the level. A friendship is very much a relationship. And how you take care of that is the main thing. Like the one you have with yourself. Something I’ve had to learn the hard way, once again.

But I’m finding myself again, with running and moving in the nature. Finding my mind easing up and silencing, and while I’m able to find the calm it works on a deeper level and let’s me do this. To find words to write, another way to take care of my own connection with myself. Because for way too long I felt like there was a block in me, I guess it would be called writer’s block.

In a way I’m finding my truth and path, the same way I’m letting myself be braver with how I view myself in how I look and how I carry myself. It’s all about this one word, connection. To yourself and to everything surrounding you.

What I’ve noticed is that the free’r I feel and let myself be, the more I sense other people. I hear my gut feeling even better. I let my sensitive side really get out there. But I’m finding it hard to find the words to express that me. Because being more open and You, is a bit scary. It means you leave your past behind and trust your now and future. It makes you think when to take a risk and when not, when to write it out and when to keep it back. And while learning it all again and finding your words, you make mistakes, super silly ones. But hey, that’s part of it all.

What I’ve found myself thinking a lot is that I might have been born in the wrong era, though this is not the first time I have been thinking that. I remember having those feelings since I was very young. With my old soul in this world of ours. I wish that we would live in a world that it would be completely normal to write a letter, even a love letter, to someone you’ve found interesting and wish to tell your feelings. Without these rules and this and that that this world makes for us without any reason. But there are so many unwritten rules these days that it’s just ridiculous. Especially when it comes to romantic connections. We “meet” people in such a different ways than before internet and all it has brought to us. But we’ve lost the honesty and openness with it, I think. Why it’s so bad to tell someone that you find them interesting and that they make you smile a little different with only few words, or that you would like to get to know them better. To see their smile, feel their arms around you, all of it.

Why those things, said honestly and straight forward make them weird and “too much” now?

So we have more connections than ever before, but how real we are with them? How genuine? Why a simple compliment or wishing well is “too much”?

I yearn for the days when you didn’t have any other option than to wait and dream, to maybe read the words on a paper or even on a screen but in a honest and open way. To just say how you feel, even if it would be “too much” on some rule book level, that some random person who invented the “games” we play these days. I wish to have the days here again, at least a bit, when you met someone found them attractive and told it to them. Now those people might live in another country, but you share simple words between each other and you might have a deeper connection than with those who you meet face to face.

I think we underestimate the power of words these days. How something so simple as few honest words with not too much thought can make someone feel. Think about song lyrics, how deeply they can make you feel, the same goes with the words you say to someone. Whether they come from a family member who’s known you since the day one, or someone who’s a stranger but happened to say the exact right words, or a person you’re carefully letting in your life and realising you have a new friend in them. Words are powerful. But we have to be ready and willing to listen to them, without really listening, it all is just words with no power in them. Remember that. Listening is the key to it all.

But try to live with this level of old soulness in this world we live in these days. The romantic in me is having a hard time, the way my head and heart works is not from today, they’re from the olden days when less was more. So I struggle a bit, which makes me say/write/do funny things at times, that I might regret, but heck it’s just me. All of me. No shame in that. I just wish it would be okay to say what you feel when you feel it, and that’s it. No weirdness or freaky in doing that.

I guess I keep finding my way in this world with this old soul of mine. Ain’t easy being highly sensitive, but oh boy I wouldn’t change it for the world! This life chose me, and I didn’t even fought it, I embraced it knowing it will be a bit of a struggle, but goddamn a beautiful struggle.

PMA ❤