Hello My Name Is Mirka And…

Hello, my name is Mirka, and whenever I feel like my life is taking a step towards a direction I’ve wanted and I feel a success coming on, ALL my insecurities just jump out and try to make me feel like the tiniest and shittiest imaginable.

I would say that I suffer from the famous “sabotaging your success”, don’t worry it’s not contagious, but it’s very very real.

The thing is, and I’ve written about this before, I’m not wired in a way that I could just enjoy my life when things go well. I’m learning to not behave like this, as it’s not beneficial for myself in any way. But it’s so deeply ingrained in me that it’s very hard, and especially when I’m on the verge of new, something that I’ve wanted to have or do for some time.

I always these days tend to forget that I’ve moved from country to country with little to no plans, and done those things with fear in my belly but still done them. I don’t see myself as a brave person that much, I am proud of what I’ve done these days, but I don’t see those things as brave but that is just what they might be.

But, insecurities. Those motherfuckers, pardon my french. But that is truly what they are, doubters of the highest level.

The fact that I’ve always been a bit of a lone wolf and fairly sensitive might not help in my low moments that much. Obviously I’ve learned to harness those parts of me, like my anxiety and depression or my epilepsy. You find ways with the help of professionals that work with you to live your life to the fullest or at least plumpest.

But goddamn when a moment of true insecurity hits you to your core, you are at it’s mercy and can only ride that shit out.

These days I’ve also learned to say how I’m feeling to a friend or my poor Mom(thanks for always supporting me and giving me some much needed tough love <3). What I’ve found that does, is shake me from that ridiculous feeling those moments bring in me. Because the truth is, insecurity is something we make in our heads, it’s not that real. It’s part of the doubt family, which is also fairly fictional and rarely has anything to do with reality of your skills or knowledge of said insecurity.

I hate and love that feeling when I feel absolutely ridiculously idiotic, when my friends or Mom just shake me out of that moment with some much needed tough to the toughest love. Because that’s exactly what should happen. For me it works, I’m not saying it’s the same for everyone, but because I am where I am with myself and the work I’ve done with and for myself, I know I can take it all.

Admitting our insecurities and vulnerable feelings is what makes us stronger, it’s just not something that gets the airtime it deserves. Admitting our imperfections makes us more real, and that is never a bad thing.

I’m not sure why I still get so petrified every now and again, to the bone scared. And it’s always, absolutely always just before things are going to change for the better.

The struggle I’ve lived with, mostly because of my own doing let’s be real and honest here… Yeah, I have not made my own damn life too easy for myself at times. But with over 36 years now under my belt, I think it’s time to just enjoy this all. See and embrace the fact that I’ve worked so hard on myself, I’ve changed so many massive things that are real hard to face. That is brave and even I can admit that.

But because in the past I had a habit of making my life harder than it needed to be, I have moments like today when I just feel like I’m crumbling under it all, the new that could open all those doors I’ve worked towards.

Fear is not always a bad thing, it’s actually one of the best things to keep us awake and alert to what is going on around us, but when it stops us to our tracks it’s the one in charge. And that is something we should never let it be.

So the conundrum is that how can I be the one who takes risks fairly easy and is impulsive, can also be the one who is absolutely terrified of her life going smoothly and actually enjoying what it has to offer.

How can the need to put yourself out there and the need to learn something new that shows how you just don’t know everything, which is impossible by the way, can crumble that confidence that shows itself so easily when it comes to taking risks or living the exact way you want when it’s only you.

What I’m realising while writing is that when I do things on my own I’m not too scared, when it’s to do with someone else I get terrified, not something that is a mind blowing realisation by any means. Actually makes me almost laugh out loud or at least snort a bit.

But like I’ve said before, there are also downsides to being able to be so comfortable on your own… You don’t have to show your uncomfortable moments the same way as when you are with others and those moments when in front of them. But that doesn’t really make sense either when I think of myself, because I’ve always been really good at working with people and feel rarely scared or intimidated in those moments. I’ve learned how to build this certain kind of wall of confidence around me with my outgoing persona in those moments, that falls off right away when I am on my own when I enjoy my introverted ways maybe a bit too much. I’m a forever working progress and I’ve accepted and truly embraced that quite some time ago.

Our humanity is sometimes just too much to carry. We get tired of how we behave, tired of some of our personality traits that just are part of us no matter what we do, tired of it all. Sometimes we question if any of it makes any sense, in those moments it usually doesn’t. And that is okay too, we just have to try to remember it when it all feels a bit too much.

No one knows everything, and will never know everything, if something then that would be terrifying. How boring would our life be if nothing would keep us on our toes every now and then?

Self love and understanding aren’t always nice or easy, but it is what we will or should do daily as a practice that never ends.

I can feel the tension releasing in me while I write this, I can feel the gentle understanding and love finding it’s way back to me. Slow and steady my breathing is calm again from that anxious pace it was earlier today. I move my body to my favorite songs and just let the soothing music flow over me.

In the end it’s usually fairly small things that help. Talking to a friend or a family member and saying that I just don’t feel the best with this. Asking for help when feeling unsure how to move on with the task at hand. Give yourself a damn break and some credit for all you’ve gone through and done. And kick those insecurities to the curb and not feed them, because they can eaaaaat!

And remind that it is completely natural to feel a bit all over the place when you are not working and are on furlough, and trying to figure your future in the midst of it all. Come on, we’re in the middle of a pandemic still too!

The fact that I’m far from what someone has decided to call perfect, is one of my favorite things about myself. It all makes me real, and real is good.

So, here I am feeling so much better once again after I’ve let my fingers do the dancing on this keyboard. I’m reminded why I did this as much as I did before and why I should definitely get to back to that routine.

PMA ❤

 

Has 2020 Changed How We View Relationships?

Yeah, has 2020 changed how we view relationships, whether romantic or platonic or any form of one.

If there’s one thing that I’ve thought about a lot this year, it’s been how human connection evolves during the changes this year has brought to our lives. It has challenged us in many ways, the level of intensity varying depending where you live and how drastic the changes have been to your everyday life.

It has broken so many connections and relationships, some that had been doing the work of dying out for some time, some that just died before they even started properly, some changed and broke in a ugly way due to how we operate in a crisis that just keeps on going.

The thing with crisis is that it shows our true nature, one way or another. We won’t be able to hide our true selves for too long before it all seeps out and we’re left with the truth and reality. Some are pure empathy and love, some are pure selfish ways of thinking ourselves first and blaming others for all that’s happening around us. We all end up going through these all in one way or another too, so no need to be all high and mighty either. None of us had the tools to be prepared for a worldwide pandemic.

In the end I think this all brings out the “ends” of our personality to the front, no hiding. When pushed to a corner, something is bound to happen. This has slowed us down, shown sides to our humanity that has been hidden due to the pace of living we’ve all been able to do before we were stopped.

Originally I had this idea of a piece about love and how romantic relationships have possible changed this year, as it’s been a topic I’ve spoken about with couple of friends and also thought about myself. But then all of that other stuff wanted to be written first.

Possibly because my track record with romantic love is not something I can boast too much about, not sure if I even would need to do that. Does anyone actually care in the end? We also tend to hide some parts of our past when it comes to love, it feels easier than to really tell how we feel about it all.

As we all know, love is absolutely terrifying.

There’s these certain “rules” in our society when it comes to love, or it feels like that these days. Like, don’t answer straight back to a text, you might seem too interested or eager. Act like you don’t care that much, because god forbid they would know you are interested or care about them. Ghost them when you loose your interest, yeah that one is a must. Overthink every text message like it’s a secret code to a space shuttle. Never say what you really truly feel in your heart.

BUT then at the same time we’re expected to be as open and honest as possible. So what the hell are we supposed to do?

I read that these days dating is harder because we’ve become so comfortable with being on our own. So it’s extra hard for us to let someone in to our lives, because we’ve build lives that are ours and exactly what we want them to be.

Makes sense in a way, or at least I see myself in that a bit. I would find it hard to welcome someone in my life right at this moment in a full blown relationship kind of way. There’s few reasons for that.

I’ve been on my own or single, however you want to call it for the past 5 years(shit it’s out there now) and for few of the first for a good reason. I had gotten out of a abusive and very hurtful relationship and knew that if I don’t fix my wounds from that, I would carry all that hate, anger, sadness, hurt to the next one and that person does not deserve something that has nothing to do with them. I wanted to heal, feel comfortable as possible in my own skin and just with myself. The thing is, I’ve never found it hard to be on my own, so this part wasn’t the worst scenario that I could think of.

Secondly, I had messed up my finances in my early twenties and one of the biggest things for me was to sort that mess. I wanted to figure how and what to do to fix my debt and hopefully be able to move on with my life. And not feel trapped and weighed down by the shame that all can bring. Because let me tell you, that is exactly what it does. But let’s leave that for another post.

Also, I had noticed that when it came to love, I felt that my own relationship with the idea of a romantic relationship might be a bit confused.

I remember in my late teens/early twenties I used sex as a way to “know” if someone liked me, and I know I’m not the only one with this. I know it’s partly because of an incident in my younger teens, where I was assaulted and nearly raped. That messes up your relationship with being physically close with someone you like. I’m very truly lucky that my first sexual experience was with someone who really liked me and who I liked, we were each others first true loves and the whole experience was a awkward and beautiful, just as it’s supposed to be. And we explored those early experiences together, that build a healthier base to that earlier experience. But when you’re young and trying to figure out yourself and all of that, physicality can kind of be a tool through it all, not always a healthy way but it’s part of it all.

It’s funny how these days my views of it all has changed quite a bit, I know myself better and because of that and all my past relationships I’ve learned what feels good for myself. I might be highly physical in all my human connections while still being very introverted, but also reserve certain parts of my physicality to only some.

I’ve never been big on one night stands because my mind just can’t handle the idea of having a connection and then just not having it when you wake up. And I’m fairly old school minded in general with good ol’ dash of romance thrown in. So try to be all slow paced and romantic and straight forward and you, when you are also impatient and always in a hurry because I guess I’m afraid of losing what I thought that I had. And did I mention overthinking, yeah that one, the dream as it’s also called!

So, I’ve been living it up on my own for the past 5 years with couple unlucky crushes thrown in there to keep me humble. I haven’t had sex in close to 3 years(well double shit), yeah thanks for asking I’m actually very used to it and it doesn’t bother me, it seems to bother others more if I say it. Not that I don’t miss sex or just the weight of a man on top of me. But there’s also this shame or guilt if I say it out loud, like we’re supposed to be trying someone new every week or what ever is the pace. Why is it so?

Why the fact that I feel that I don’t want to share my body with someone I’m not sure about is such a bad thing? For myself sharing myself and my body in a personal way means that I trust the person in way that I can share my insecurities and that special moment when you let your guards down and just enjoy yourself and your partner. That needs certain type of trust in my books. I don’t want to dim my passion for anyone.

So when will I get to the relationship part, maybe now. Though sex is a vital part of a relationship, to me at least.

I might have been single for too long for my own good, when it comes to how I think of the idea of a relationship. I might have seen too many romantic movies, definitely. But what I end up missing when I do, are the simplest things.

I miss waking up next to my person and then shifting close to be in their nook or spoon, I miss figuring out what to eat, I miss having inside jokes that make you look at each other in a certain way and smile in that one smile we all know, I miss being hugged from behind, I miss going for long Sunday walks to nowhere, I miss being held and hold someone tight who I love, I miss saying I love you in that different way that comes from saying it to your person, I miss arguing about something complete nonsense because we’re both a bit hangry, I miss being there for my person, to remind them that it all will be okay, to hold them when they feel it all, to be held when I feel it all, share laughs and cries, to be a person to other that is theirs. I miss sharing the mundane everyday life. Obviously I could write million more reasons.

This year I’ve felt ready finally, to have room in my life, to feel like I have it in me to try again. I have someone I’m interested in knowing more about, not a full blown crush but an interest. I’ve noticed that with the pandemic things move slower and I like it, even though my old ways of moving and knowing it all as fast as possible are trying to mess with my mind.

With my romantic mind, the idea of writing letters by hand and snail mailing them to each other, it’s just the thing.

I’m in a place for the first time where I truly want to get to know someone before anything else, to know who they are in a slow manner, maybe talking on the phone or facetiming. The idea of just talking and having honest and open conversations about everything just makes sense. Not having the opportunity to be physical with one another straight away, to ruin the pace and making things different before they need to be.

It would feel so “normal” to ask what someone thinks of me or if they are interested in knowing me this way too, but why the rush, is it needed?

I have absolutely no idea how I truly feel about this one or what they think of me, and I think that’s a good thing. If they even know or have figured out that I’m thinking these of them. Who knows! But there’s something about them that keeps me on my toes in that good kind of way. There’s this feeling of wanting to know more, but being able to go on with my days with no thought given to them too, which I like. This might be something to do with being a grown up, does it?

I guess the point of this suuuuper long piece is that this year has slowed down the pace of our lives, and I personally really like that. The relationships that I’ve held close and felt that are supposed to be in my life, have gotten closer and more open, some have broken off and left my life. All has been just the way they are supposed to be. There’s been a clearing of sorts. I’ve had difficult conversations with people I never thought could be as close to me as they are now, but there lies the beauty of difficult conversations, they tend to clear the direction of that relationship. If more of those conversations would be had, we would feel a lot better, that I know for sure. Some of those conversations have shown me the true colors of someone I never thought I would not have in my life like they used to be. Maybe I should just tell that person that hey I find you interesting as a person and would like to get to know you more, without it meaning that something has to come out of it. Or I just see how it evolves.

What I like is that I’m opening up to the possibility of someone being in my life again. And I think a real, good relationship while is forever a working progress should also feel fairly easy and natural. If there’s one thing I’ve learned over my years on this planet, it is that communication truly is a key, no matter how uncomfortable it may feel at times.

So here we are, a piece that was supposed to be easy and clear, ended up being a true testament of rusty writing fingers finding their way on the keyboard and telling a tale of someone who’s figuring out her life as she lives it all.

And yes, I think 2020 has changed our views on relationships, it has made us slow down, think and communicate in a way we were in a too much of a hurry before.

Love hard and never forget to tell your people what they mean to you!

PMA ❤

 

Self Care Central – Or How To Feel About This All

It’s been super interesting to see how this current situation can make us feel, all same but all very different. Self care has taken a front seat while none of us really know how to deal with all these emotions, on top of living our lives with everything that is part of them. Nothing really stops, truly stops even though the world is in a lockdown like situation.

Today was the first day for me when it all felt a bit too much, I woke up absolutely exhausted and drained. I needed a day off for myself, thankfully I didn’t have work, which also sounds weird. I am thankful that I had a day off to feel this all without the need to push through like we usually have to on days like these. But it feels just weird because I would love to be able to work my regular hours too, that’s just not the case right now. Hopefully soon it will again.

But the thing is, I’ve been really positive and in a way inspired for the last month and a halfish, and I was sick with the virus for 3 and a half weeks of that. During that time, I felt calm because I couldn’t really do anything about it all than to rest and get better, with the hope that it doesn’t get worse and me needing to go to the hospital. I felt extremely lucky that I was able to stay at home, in a familiar comfortable place where my mind was at ease.

I remember how weirdly freaked out I was before the virus really started hitting the globe, my close friend even said that you have to stop reading the news so much. And then when I got sick all of that just vanished.

Now as my own life has taken a bit of a normalish beat, as I do work half of the week and feel in a way safer going to work and to the supermarket, it’s like I live in my own bubble while it all happens around me. It even sounds weird when I read it but that’s how it feels when I think about it.

But is it all sustainable, the being positive and trucking along to a better future. Are we supposed to be able to do that?

Like I said, normal life still keeps happening in the midst of this all, and it won’t stop. People get pregnant, they fall in love or break up, we lose loved ones, people or loved family pets, we worry about money and our jobs, our bodies and our weight, joke about things that we did before while at times almost feeling guilty, we get laid off from work or hired to a new one. Things move on whether we like it or not.

Some people have gone to a overdrive of being productive and others just froze in a way and let the situation surround them in certain kind of fear. If you use social media you see all of it. This has brought out the best and absolutely worst in people, possibly something that is good, at least when thinking who you want to share your life in the future when this is all over. When we’re back to “normal” that will not be the same as it was before this, it’s impossible. This has shown that we really do care about others, and also how torn this world can be.

What I noticed during my month long sick leave was that I found this peace and clarity that I had been searching and yearning for probably the past year. I was finally able to really listen to myself and my gut in what I want from my life and for myself. I had the time to be with myself in a way when there was nothing bothering me. For that I am very grateful, it came in a time that I truly needed it. I didn’t even know how much I needed it before I was in it.

What came to me the most was that my goals and dreams haven’t really changed, they just got stronger. This clarity about my appearance found it’s way to me, something I’ve struggled quite a bit the past couple of years. I realised things that I had pushed away in fear, because in the end many of the things we care the most are pushed to the side because of fear. Fear of not succeeding, fear of the unknown, fear of what if I actually could be amazing at it. Whatever it might be.

Even if I feel low and blue now, it’s just my human nature finding it’s way in this all. It’s a time me and my friends have never been before and hopeful don’t have to be soon again. The way we’ve been there and supported each other in this around the world has been one of the things keeping me sane. When I’ve felt strong, I’ve been there for my friends, and when I’ve been low they’ve been there for me. We share this all in our own ways together.

What I do know is that I don’t want to got back to what was before. I want to use this time to gently challenge myself in those things I went through with myself in the past month. I want to move forward, not feel stuck anymore, I’ve done enough of that already. It’s my time to push on.

My future is up to me. That is not as scary anymore, it’s actually very exciting.

Being truthful and open, loving… those are the things that push me on. No need to hide those parts of me that I hid for too long before this. It’s time again to be brave and dare. Those who use this time to invent new, push boundaries of what they did before, share who they are and what they believe in, those are the ones making it through well.

We are all allowed to feel it all, to let ourselves feel whatever comes to us while going through some of the weirdest times of our lives. There’s no need to feel guilty if something good happens in your life, you are allowed to celebrate your success. You’re allowed to feel anxious and blue, it’s only normal. It’s all valid.

What will carry us through is a mindset that we truly are in this together. Being selfish will not carry us too far. But you are allowed to take time for you, to not be there for anyone too. That doesn’t make you a bad person in any way. You like we all, need the time to process and heal while living your life.

We got this.

PMA ❤

 

Let’s Jump To Unknown Part. 3492873

Yep, that’s how it feels. Me jumping to unknown, once again. Trying to find my core again, even the actual core of my body too. I lost that while loosing quite a few other things of myself the past years that made me feel me. Oh well, that’s how it goes and all I can do is try, once again.

I ended last year with a gentle challenge and a promise to myself to take care and love myself a bit more than I had. And that meant a lot since in 2018 I had basically just forgotten my health all together. And with that went my eating habits, and my ability to think clear and write. I should’ve known already that if I don’t move my body, my brain is on a halfsies shutdown mode. It just doesn’t work properly. And with all of those, so did my energy for anything. I did however in some magical way love myself more than before, and when it comes to selflove I ended 2018 on a high that I had not been for quite some time. For that I am extremely proud. And even with a weird year of a lot of great in it, and a lot of loosing myself, I managed to stay grounded on the love part. Not something I’ve been good before. I knew and know my worth and am readier all the time for the next chapter. I can easily say that I am pretty great, and I actually believe that. Though I’m still learning to let it sink in if someone else tells it to me… Can’t be perfect!

Today all of sudden I decided to go for a run, after probably closer to 6months, which feels insane. There’s few reasons I wanted to see how it would feel again. Firstly, not in any real order but still, I want to feel healthier this year especially as it’s the year I turn 35. I don’t want to feel how I have for the better part of last year. Worse and worse all the time. And let me tell you, the older you get getting back to some kind of rhythm is a bitch! Routine is like some foreign word that you’ve never heard before, and you’ve forgotten ALL that used to be normal to you… And again, oh well, all I can do is try again. Oh and the fact that I weight more than ever in my life, let’s just say that 90kg is not something I’m willing to carry on me any longer. And the fact that I managed to level up all that on me in only couple of years from being really healthy and active, is just a sad damn story to tell so I might just as well just change the lane for a smarter one. I’ve done it before, so I know in me that I can do it again. And no, this is not some New Years resolution.

One of the reasons for the run is that timing is a bitch, and with that I mean that I ended up in a situation early this year where I found myself falling in love with someone I never thought. But amazing things like that happen and sometimes timing is just not your buddy, or… is it maybe just that? I knew I am ready to let someone in again in my life, but was I actually ready for a full blown thing, I’m not sure. I know that this one shook me to my core, and sometimes you know by just few moments together, that this is it. But also, sometimes we have to wait for the right timing to come along. That’s it. That obviously doesn’t take away the fact that you miss that person like crazy, or feel like your tiny heart is about to burst, or that you have gazillion things you want to say to them. Or because the time we live in, send them all those gazillion stupid ass memes you’ve saved, just for them to laugh. Or you listen to those couple songs that remind you of that person. You go through all those moments with them over and over in your head and heart, or find yourself dreaming of them. Or you write things you would love them to know in your journal. Or listen to that one Chaka Khan tune and dance like crazy while tears run on your cheeks, half from sadness and half of happiness because you think about how fun it would be to dance together and just let loose. But I needed to run to let that pain free from my shoulders, as no matter how much I miss or love that person, right at this moment I also need to go forward with my days. I can’t stop my life even if the timing is a bitch. What brings me joy is the fact that I can live my life and still have that person in my heart. That’s kind of amazing. Or even the fact that I’ve met someone who is that one, the special one. But I still wish you were here, or me there, either or… ❤

I needed to run, to feel uncomfortable. Uncomfortable because damn I’ve gotten complacent, in a way that is pretty depressing. I’ve forgotten like I said, those things that bring me joy and healing. I’ve wanted to write more for such a long ass time, but basically had the worst kind of block in the world. It happened quite some time ago already, actually when I moved back to Finland. When I lived abroad I for some reason didn’t care at all if someone reads what I write, or more like what people would think of me. Which is definitely something I find myself fearing now that I live back here, work now and before in a position where people “know” me in a way that I feel at times weird. I don’t mind people from the other side of the world knowing me and my “secrets” but for some reason it feels too much when they are this close. And on top of that… well, I had my reasons to leave Finland in the first place and I still have some “issues” towards this place. The thing is that I’ve never, in my whole life, felt like I belong here. Which can sound weird, as I’ve lived most of my life here. But I wasn’t born here, and the way the country works and the mentality of us here and just the general vibe, yeah let’s use that word there, it’s something that tests me more than any other place. I get smaller here, in a way that makes me question myself in situations I don’t like, for example is it okay to wear what I want to wear or do people look at me funny. I’m not as brave here as I am when I’m somewhere else, or that’s how it feels at times. I guess I have to face those issues and then I’m free here, which means I can go wherever I need to. Because the truth is that I do know I’m moving somewhere else from here at some point, once again.

So the actual run, how did it feel. Taking the fact that I used to run ultra marathon distances, and that’s only little over 3 years ago. Three years ago! How the hell the time works is magic that you could be in the peak of your physical health only 3 years ago, while being mentally so broken you didn’t even understand it at the time. Oh how the tables have turned, now I’m basically on the other opposites. Peak of my mental health in many ways, and on the bottom when it comes to my physical health. Oh well, once a damn again… Let’s play my favorite game of finding the balance for the millionth time 😀 ! But back to that run, it felt surprisingly good. Not easy by any means, but one of those that make you think of your first run in your running journey and makes you hope for more again. THAT is definitely a thing I haven’t thought in few years. I loved running, it saved me from my drowning depression and then I ended up loosing all my interest in it, took a massive break and now, I’m ready to slowly find my way back to it. No goals, no races, none of that, just enjoying the movement of my body and the scenery. And nothing feels better, or actually many things, BUT nothing feels better than when you feel your body getting stronger and the steps getting lighter. That is something I want back. The effortless feeling of running. Not thinking anything and thinking everything at the same time.

Let’s see how this all goes in the end. I’m trying, not promising. I’m giving myself a chance for something new. I’m not who I was 4 years ago, and that’s a good thing, but I want to see who I am now. 2019 is a year of bravery, jumping to unknown again. Yep that’s what I’ll do.

PMA ❤

Connection

I’ve been thinking a lot more, deeper, lately. That might sound funny, but now after couple of weeks of running again under my belt, it feels that my brain is working in a different way again.

I’ve been thinking about connection, with others, with myself, how all of those are part of each other.

Today is a year to the day since my Grandpa passed away. He’s been on my mind quite a bit lately. I was thinking this morning on my run what makes me miss him so much, other than the fact that we always were really close. It’s the fact that we always had this special connection between us. He was my rock since day one. That’s what I miss the most, the fact that there was nothing I couldn’t talk with him to. The trust that comes with a certain kind of connection between people.

These days finding a genuine connection feels at times impossible, while at the same time it’s possible to find it in the simplest of words from a stranger. The world has changed in a way that complete strangers are able to become best friends or lovers without first seeing each other. In a way social media and other channels, make getting to know someone a lot easier, deeper if both parties are willing. Though it can also give people a chance to hide behind their screens and be someone completely different they really are. So what is the reality and the truth?

Sometimes words from a stranger mean more than from someone you know. It makes the distance between people shorter and shorter.

A lot of the time I find it easier to connect with people who don’t know all of me. People who aren’t physically close to me. Even though I work in customer service and people tend to think that I’m super open and extroverted because the way I behave at work, my true self is really sensitive and introverted. And I need insane amounts of time for myself to be alone and to charge my batteries. To find people who understand that and respect it, well those are hard to find but I’m lucky to have met few and get to call them friends. Couple of them even live in the same city as me, which is definite progress.

One of my closest friends, who lives on the other side of the world, said something really important couple of days ago. She said that a ‘friendship is still a relationship’. I think we confuse relationship too often to a romantic one. A connection is a connection, no matter the level. A friendship is very much a relationship. And how you take care of that is the main thing. Like the one you have with yourself. Something I’ve had to learn the hard way, once again.

But I’m finding myself again, with running and moving in the nature. Finding my mind easing up and silencing, and while I’m able to find the calm it works on a deeper level and let’s me do this. To find words to write, another way to take care of my own connection with myself. Because for way too long I felt like there was a block in me, I guess it would be called writer’s block.

In a way I’m finding my truth and path, the same way I’m letting myself be braver with how I view myself in how I look and how I carry myself. It’s all about this one word, connection. To yourself and to everything surrounding you.

What I’ve noticed is that the free’r I feel and let myself be, the more I sense other people. I hear my gut feeling even better. I let my sensitive side really get out there. But I’m finding it hard to find the words to express that me. Because being more open and You, is a bit scary. It means you leave your past behind and trust your now and future. It makes you think when to take a risk and when not, when to write it out and when to keep it back. And while learning it all again and finding your words, you make mistakes, super silly ones. But hey, that’s part of it all.

What I’ve found myself thinking a lot is that I might have been born in the wrong era, though this is not the first time I have been thinking that. I remember having those feelings since I was very young. With my old soul in this world of ours. I wish that we would live in a world that it would be completely normal to write a letter, even a love letter, to someone you’ve found interesting and wish to tell your feelings. Without these rules and this and that that this world makes for us without any reason. But there are so many unwritten rules these days that it’s just ridiculous. Especially when it comes to romantic connections. We “meet” people in such a different ways than before internet and all it has brought to us. But we’ve lost the honesty and openness with it, I think. Why it’s so bad to tell someone that you find them interesting and that they make you smile a little different with only few words, or that you would like to get to know them better. To see their smile, feel their arms around you, all of it.

Why those things, said honestly and straight forward make them weird and “too much” now?

So we have more connections than ever before, but how real we are with them? How genuine? Why a simple compliment or wishing well is “too much”?

I yearn for the days when you didn’t have any other option than to wait and dream, to maybe read the words on a paper or even on a screen but in a honest and open way. To just say how you feel, even if it would be “too much” on some rule book level, that some random person who invented the “games” we play these days. I wish to have the days here again, at least a bit, when you met someone found them attractive and told it to them. Now those people might live in another country, but you share simple words between each other and you might have a deeper connection than with those who you meet face to face.

I think we underestimate the power of words these days. How something so simple as few honest words with not too much thought can make someone feel. Think about song lyrics, how deeply they can make you feel, the same goes with the words you say to someone. Whether they come from a family member who’s known you since the day one, or someone who’s a stranger but happened to say the exact right words, or a person you’re carefully letting in your life and realising you have a new friend in them. Words are powerful. But we have to be ready and willing to listen to them, without really listening, it all is just words with no power in them. Remember that. Listening is the key to it all.

But try to live with this level of old soulness in this world we live in these days. The romantic in me is having a hard time, the way my head and heart works is not from today, they’re from the olden days when less was more. So I struggle a bit, which makes me say/write/do funny things at times, that I might regret, but heck it’s just me. All of me. No shame in that. I just wish it would be okay to say what you feel when you feel it, and that’s it. No weirdness or freaky in doing that.

I guess I keep finding my way in this world with this old soul of mine. Ain’t easy being highly sensitive, but oh boy I wouldn’t change it for the world! This life chose me, and I didn’t even fought it, I embraced it knowing it will be a bit of a struggle, but goddamn a beautiful struggle.

PMA ❤