Have You Ever Wondered Why You Dream Of What You Dream Of?


Have you ever wondered why you dream of what you dream of. Or if all of your dreams have something in common? Or have you basically dreamed about the same thing since you were little?

I’ve been thinking a lot of those lately. I love that I was questioned, for a reason, why I would need a motorcycle licence, when I don’t even have a regular licence. Yes, I would drive that too. But why would I feel that I need it? I do live at the moment, and probably some time now, in Finland. We don’t really have the longest season when it comes to driving a motorcycle… But still. That same dream has been in me for such a long time.

And now I’ve been questioning why I haven’t done anything about it before, or have I made the dream come true in smaller ways. Kind of preparing myself for this one, the one that really means the most… or is it just the same dream in different ways.

I’ve never done the conventional things in my life, well I’ve tried but those moments in time have only proven to be the wrong choices for me. So I’ve struggled to do the things that I find the best for me aka the unconventional. I’ve lived my life in ways that have made my loved ones feel uneasy to say the least. But I’ve also been afraid to live the life I really wanted because of the fear of what others would say or if I might upset someone who I love. I’ve left so many things undone because of those exact reasons. So many. And coming back to what has been going on in my life the past year, has really made me think that not anymore. This is the only life I have, so if not now when?

I have been thinking of the dreams I’ve had in my life and if I’ve made some of them come true. Because there was a moment too in this thought process when I thought that I don’t know how to dream at all… was fast proven wrong by myself.

All of my dreams have one thing in common: my yearn for certain kind of freedom and the feeling of flying. I’ve always had those, as long as I remember. I had a reoccurring dream when I was a kid, where I was driving a flying car. Makes me smile to think about that but I still remember it like I’ve just seen it. For such a long time I thought that if I would have a drivers licence I would be free, there was that same yearning as with when I learned how to drive a bike. Or the way I love to walk aimlessly for hours. I’ve been like this forever. Maybe I’m just restless, maybe I’m forever seeking my happy place, not sure what it is, but it’s deep in me and has been since I remember. I guess it’s part of the reason why I love to read so much, to get lost in different stories and always learn something new.

I realised that the dreams I’ve made true all had one thing in common, to find a way to feel free and fly in some way. My time as a bike messenger, or my time as a long distance runner, to move from unknown country to another without a plan. All things I decided I would do because I knew that I have to so that I can do something else, to move on from what I’ve been before, to become braver for the next step that I didn’t know before I had done those.

There’s this weird sense of calm in me these days, I just know that I’m on the right path. Every time I let someone else question my calm, my mind gets all stormy and confused, but when I listen to my gut and walk on my own, I am calm and know my right from what others feel to be best for me.

I do understand the reasoning for many things I’ve been questioned lately. They’ve been valid reasons and questions, but in the end I can only walk my own way. Even when no one understands my reasons. But then again, I don’t feel the need to talk about any of them these days either. My old way of doing that feels wrong these days, and if I’ve done it I just feel more confused and like I’ve disappointed myself in some way. Like I’m not able to trust myself in what I feel right. I guess old ways die hard.

One way or another I’ve always been a risk taker, I’ve just had times in my life where I’ve been lost and done what I thought others wanted me to do. And in this social media driven world of ours it’s easy to feel and get lost of our own path. We see just a piece of someone but still think that we know them well. And forget how much more there is behind those photos or updates. How often we really want to share our deepest dreams or wishes? If we share them, they are open for all kinds of shit. How much are we willing to take that from complete strangers or the people we love the most? In general people don’t want to try to understand, they rather judge, so it’s easier to hide our real selves. And that also makes it hard to believe in them for us, even when we know them to be the right for us. And it also looks to outside like we would just change our whole being in an instant because they don’t see the evolution behind it all.

So why do I want to have a motorcycle licence and obviously a bike to drive to the sunset? It all comes down to my yearning for the freedom. There’s something very real and rough in being out in the open. And I only remember that feeling from my messenger days, or more like the nights when I was driving back home from somewhere. Feeling everything on your skin and being weirdly part of all around you is a magical feeling. The need to be aware of it all, has a sense of making you feel extremely small, in the same way as when you stand on top of some amazing massive mountain and feeling like if the wind would want to it could just blow you away with no effort. Anything that humbles us and makes us feel small, is something to go towards to.

Thinking all of these, made me also realise that I’ve made all my dreams come true which is a crazy moment. Too often we think that none of our dreams really ever come true, but think again, not all of your dreams are those massive life changing ones. We make dreams come true almost on a daily basis. We just remember the big ones better.

None of my dreams are impossible, none of them. Majority of people will never understand them, and thank goodness for that. They would feel too ordinary if they did, and I would not even think of them probably. Reach for the stars and all that.

Things have a way of working out, so does dreams. That’s it. Make a plan, and not just dream. And then you’ll see it becoming reality. I’m living one of mine right about now, the best ones are the ones you realise afterwards being your reality.

Be you. Do you.



You Win Some, You Lose Some


If you do a proper U-turn in your life for the better, like I have done you get a moment when you realize that You win some, You lose some… Your past isn’t gone, it’s still there, reminding you of who you are and been. Your present and future are just a clean slate, just like you wanted.

Just when I said my last goodbyes to my Grandpa, I started a completely new chapter in my life that has changed it for the better in so many ways. But it’s also reminded me of my weaknesses and how much I tend to care too much. All the new makes it really easy to hide from the pain I still carry, the moments when I only think how much I miss him. Or how tired I am wholeheartedly. And how I really don’t miss majority of last year.

When you are in your new, free of your past, life and people it feels easy for a while until the “normality” of it all comes your daily life again. The thing is, I’m so used to struggling that I don’t even realize when my life is easy and should just let that be, because after all I really deserve just that. But your reality, as in who you are and have been before this, hasn’t gone anywhere. As long as you have stuff to sort out, it will be there. And I still do.

There’s also this funny fear when you are free from your past, at least for a bit. What if I’m not good enough for who I am the way I am. There’s loads of people who have never read any words here and have no idea of what I’ve gone through to be who I am now. I don’t really care about that most of the time, but then there are moments when I wish that my “reality” would be in a way out there, so that if I feel certain way they would just understand and I wouldn’t feel like I need to hide it all. And yes, I know how dramatic that sounds… But it can feel easier to be a little harder than you really are when in front of new people.

I’ve opened my heart in a way, once again, that only I can do. Possible managed to get it hurt while living it up. But that’s the part that makes me appreciate my damn self once again, it shows me with all it’s pain that I still have it in me. To open my heart after all I’ve been through. But there it is, believing in that goodgood while understanding how impossible it all might be. I guess in all the frustration of it all, I don’t even mind. Fuck, I rather have this than nothing at all. Forever believing in good and love.

So from very cryptic to some sense… The thing is that I have had my depressive days again lately, anxiety on high, and they have reminded me of who I am, before all this new. They are part of me, the things that make me this strong, whether I want it or not. But they also remind me of how much I need my ways of handling them. Those things that once kept me alive from drowning depression. I need to run again, even though last year killed it all for me. I need to find my why again with it. I’m doing it for me, not for anyone else. I need to run so that I can write again, on a regular base. About topics that are painful, topics that aren’t pretty to tell to others. Those things I was good at, and while helping myself helping others. By speaking my truth. My truth that I’ve gotten a bit scared of and lost while at it. I also have to remind myself what I’ve lost in only a year, one of my best friends and my Grandpa. Losing people like that leave marks, they remind you of how short this life really is.

I love the me I am today so damn much, I get annoyed why I have to let my heart be so hungry as it is, but damn I love myself so fucking much for all I am. From those naked selfies, to finally embracing my style the way it’s been bubbling under for such a long time. The more I am honestly myself, the more I’ve found that people either love me or hate me. And I’ve let few of those negative moments under my skin, that only pissed me off more. I guess it’s true… I must have leveled up when people hate me. And I’m definitely doing things right. For myself.

I needed the moment when I felt so low and unloved and frustrated as I did, to remember who I really am, and if someone can’t take that, that’s on them not me. And yes, my past has molded me and defined me, but that doesn’t mean that I need to carry it all with me. I’m so much stronger than I ever was purely because of it. So I have no need to take any bullshit anymore. Tolerance is lower and lower daily.

Dreams are on a all time high these days. Damn old dreams are on the brink of becoming reality, because that’s just how I roll. One day soon, to the sunset with that dreamy motorcycle, like I’ve dreamed since I was about 15… Yes, you are allowed to laugh at that image in your head, be sure I am. Though with a smirk that I’m making it reality, finally. 😉

So we win some, we lose some. That’s it. Never be ashamed or embarrassed of your past, it made you who you are. Be proud of that stuff, no matter how ugly it might be. Love your little heart out, even if it hurts at times, just take those risks. You never know what’ll come on the other side of that risk. It might be the best thing you’ve ever done. And give yourself time to get used to it all, that new can be so tiring, don’t push yourself too hard.

I promise to myself to be more open with who I am, no matter who is in front of me. New people might not know all of me, they don’t have to, but I don’t need to feel like I need to hide it either. I like myself, that’s enough.


The Funny Thing Is That We Don’t Really Have As Much Time As We Think…

received_10155286336103458.jpegI’ve read those words quite a few times in the past years. It took until end of 2016 and all of 2017 to really deeply understand what they mean. We really need to lose a lot to understand how delicate and short this life of ours is. We love to judge others, no interest in understanding why some do what they do or decide to do with their lives. Why would we when we aren’t really living and doing what we truly want?

I was in a massive stress ball the whole of 2017, wondering at times why I just keep trucking along despite it all. When I lost my Grandpa, I made decisions I knew would set me free. My body was not in a good state because of the amount of the stress, my mind was strong as fuck but my exhaustion levels ran so high that I didn’t even know myself at times. I was just moving forward because I didn’t know anything else. I wanted to handle what I had with a manner that I could stand behind. I roughly saying, deleted people from my life that I needed to be without, knowing that my choices will cause some words, not caring because I knew I’m doing the right thing for myself. The way I handled 2017, I am immensely proud of myself, knowing I’ve made mistakes on the way like normal human beings do but being true to myself and fixing my errors when needed. I lived the year that I thought wasn’t even real at times, with the honesty I didn’t know before I had in me. So can not be anything else than proud.

I read this article today about what and how would we live our lives if we knew that we only have a week left to live? Or 5 years or 6 months? Have you ever thought about those, I have… My last year got me too close to those thoughts. Even though I thought that I’ve lived honestly the past years of my life, I knew nothing. I’m not saying that it’s always needed to lose a lot to see more clearly but shit, when you lose loved ones that shit makes you think. Especially when you lose a close friend whose the same age as you and someone whose been in your life since day 1.

I know that I’m not everyone’s cup of tea, but that’s completely okay. No problem whatsoever. I’m not living for you or your imaginary friend, I’m here for me and my loved ones, while being good to all who are around me because I have no need to not be nice to you unless you do something that makes me question your being. I do judge at times, I’m a goddamn human, so will never be perfect which is actually really freeing. But I will also be me without compromising, I have no time for that anymore. If you can’t take me, that’s not really my problem, sorry. Basically if I need to sum it up, it’s like this… Fuck expectations, no time for that, do you, be you, stay humbly honest and YOU!

Good friend of mine wrote about how this all glorified freelance life isn’t actually for everyone and how there’s nothing wrong with loving and doing your 9 to 5. I was in the middle of changing my life to what it is now and had been battling with where I should be heading work wise for the past few years, especially after my wrist surgeries. She was able to nail all my feels about who I am and how I have been feeling. I’m forever grateful for her words that came when they came. Partly because of them and this childlike dream, I work where I work now and goddamn love every damn day of it. Yes, it’s still just a month in but damn I’m back to what I love. I am, whether I want it or not, a customer service kind of worker, that’s my jam, that’s where I excel. That’s weirdly in my being and core. I always thought that it’s a thing you do when you’re young and then you need to grow up from it and figure out something grown up to do?! But what the fuck is that?! If you are at your best when helping people, and you can do your job with honesty and sell things that you believe in, why not actually do what you were meant to do? And once I started at my job, I realised how I’ve basically done the same job in different ways my whole life, if I’ve gone away from my path I have been doing really badly, so keep doing you, once again. So, oh hai, I’m your local heritage jeans and boots sales lady. And I love the shit out of my job!

But is there anything I feel I miss in my life, now that I have a dream job and another starting next week? I have dream friends, not many but that’s what I love. Family who supports me.

Well… If you’ve read my pieces longer, you know that I haven’t been the luckiest with love but always been courageous and had a faith in the whole thing, no matter what. But you also have to realise that I’ve been alone for a reason for the past 3ish years. Once you’ve been hurt the way I have and you want to get out better on the other side and not carry the weight of your old pain to something new, you want and need to be on your own to fix your own damn self. Love being who you are alone, and that’s what I’ve done. I have no problem being on my own, this shit rocks, maybe too much at times for my own good. But my heart is still on my sleeve, never left, just questioned if it was smart anymore.

It’s taken me few years to come to a place in my life where I feel that I would be willing to let someone in my life. I don’t need someone but there’s starting to be room for someone in it. I don’t yearn love or someone, but in all honesty I do have moments when I yearn the feel of someones skin on mine, or touch of someones fingers, or cuddles, spooning or hugs from behind. Yeah, those things I miss these days at some moments. And sex, because I’m a grown ass woman who loves her body. Nothing wrong with that.

There’s also this funny thing, that I could be super jealous of my best friend and his new love, which is annoyingly perfect and amazing. But I’m just that annoying myself that I’m over the moon happy for him and his love. That shit makes me happy, because the happiness I wish for someone I love is that kind of happiness. It doesn’t make me feel like I’m lacking something, it makes me think how damn lucky I’m to have a friend like that and to see that kind of real love. A love I have in me, and one day someone to shower with it.

After working pretty much all the time since I started, because I really love what I do, if I didn’t tell you that already, I am having a rare free Saturday today, which is the weirdest feeling ever. As I’ve lived very much freely for the past couple of years with no real days in my life. It’s also one of the first days in really long time that I am doing nothing as I had done everything during the week, I had nothing to do even at home that should be done. I felt lost and just wanted to go to work. But there are benefits when being alone when that feels weird. It’s needed. You might feel that you want to do something, or feel restless or just confused, that shit is normal. Just relax. And I’m saying that as much to myself as to you.

In all honesty, at the moment I’m in my sweats, drinking red wine I got for Christmas from a regular glass and listening to Finnish grime. All the while I kind of hoped spending tonight in a different manner, this will do. And that’s me being honest, even if I was a bit bummed before. We all need these moments when we wish for something else and get this haha. This stuff is life.

So, with all that being said, I’m not about making new years resolutions but I am challenging myself to keep my home clean and organized because I had no energy last year for that and I would love to have my home ready for someone to visit whenever, even though my home is kind of holy to me… But still, this is a challenge that my mind will thank me for.




received_10155286336918458.jpegHave you ever stood next to the oceans soaring powers, spread your arms wide and just screamed from the deepest pits of your power? Well… I did the last time this past weekend and that my friends is real freedom!

There’s something insanely powerful with letting yourself feel that vulnerable as when you open your mouth and take a deep breath before letting it all out. We should do that more I am sure of that, but that doesn’t really come to mind these days, even though we have more to scream out than ever before. At least I had. It doesn’t have to be a bad feeling that or anxiety you scream out, it can be out of pure happiness! Just let yourself free from all that you’ve hold in and feel the deep rooted freedom sinking in.

But what is freedom, to you? How you manifest it in your life, or do you?

I believe that we need to go through a lot to be able to learn what freedom means to us, or at least we need to be able to stop for a bit to appreciate who we are. Stopping for a breather isn’t the cool thing these days, or let’s put that in another way, it’s way too cool to a level that you need to tell everyone you are stopping, then take a photo of that and share your stopping to everyone, to let them know you are amazing at it… Might sound harsh but it feels like it’s the truth these days.

There’s songs about walking to the beat of your drum, amazing songs I might add. But what does that mean and how do you in reality do that. Are we really free to be us in a way we truly want to be or are we deep down scared of the realness of our wishes and hopes. And yes, I am noticing I’m questioning myself a lot after my Grandpa passed away. But that’s only a good thing, it makes me push myself out of my content numb comfort zones. A bit uncomfortable at times, let me be honest. But needed and who I really am, always questioning the “norm”.

I think freedom is to walk away, it’s the power to say what you will keep carrying and what not. Freedom is the notion that you are allowed to change as many times you need. Freedom to be free from struggle that you weren’t supposed to carry in the first place, or were you? Maybe that was your way to freedom. All those steps before you set yourself free from the struggle that you needed to go through to be strong enough to know what you deserve and what not. Freedom is to stop hating yourself for what you’re not and loving what you are. The more you question, the more you level up in the game of lessons learned.

Never forget that it’s not mandatory to stay still and just accept what’s going on around you if it doesn’t make you comfortable. You are allowed, and yes I’m writing this again as it’s that important, you are allowed to change as many times you feel you need or want!

Love yourself enough to let yourself free from the chains you’ve built around you.



Why Now? Why Not Now?

Photo Esa Laukkanen

It’s said that when it rains it pours… I can safely say that this past six months my life has been exactly that. The sheer amount of stuff happening in my life, majority of it good but also the bad or more so challenging has been there.

It’s been a long time, actually two months since my last post. In all honesty I’ve been afraid to open myself this way and write again. Something changed in me big time when I moved back home to Finland. It’s like my way of thinking when I write that I’m anonymous disappeared and I forget my courage when it came to writing. I felt and still feel that now when I’m honest and me here, it might be for some reason a bad thing. While in my coaching jobs I want to be just that to my runners and people who are around me, I want to talk about mental health and my own battle but for some reason I got scared of how open and raw that all makes me. In a way when we or I talk about mental health and depression, it’s almost like an armor and I can hide behind it. But when it comes to my own well being and how I’m coping with all this change and the ups and downs, I felt really alone though I had more people around me. I got scared of the me I really am and who I am so insanely proud of, who’s gotten me this far. For some reason, here in my home country I felt and feel way more visible than ever when I lived abroad.

My main passion or goal is bringing more awareness to living with depression and mental health in general, if through running I can bring that I’m happy. I’ve finally found a way to be me and stand proud with something I do. In this case coaching. For me it’s all about the overall well being, not just the running part, it’s the complex whole of us. I don’t even know if I could coach anyone without letting them in a bit, so that I can be more for them. That’s my strength but it’s also the reason why I feel extremely depleted at times, and those are the moments when my mental health and the highly sensitive mind kicks me into overdrive and I feel like a loser and overall nothing, maybe for a second but still.

It’s this funny paradox that when you have all going like you’ve wanted for so long in your life, you’ve found a way that’s yours and you feel confident and right. And then it kicks in, that asshole depressive mind, that just wants to fuck you and your confidence up! That’s mental health for you.

I’ve had to go from loosing one of my best friends, to getting a coaching position that I couldn’t even dream of, to getting the news that my already operated wrist is a complete fuck up and needs few new operations, to finding my confidence and demanding what I felt is right and fighting for all that and succeeding, to realizing that one of my closest and dearest is slowly winding away from who they were and I can’t do anything about it. I’ve gained the trust of those I wished to gain, to gotten feedback from my work that I always wished for, to gotten opportunities I couldn’t even dream of and them coming slowly true, to being rejected on a personal level and realizing how much that actually can hurt (again, as it’s somehow still easy to forget), to not wanting to give up because why the hell would I do that?!

I feel really loved but at the same time really lonely, it’s that old feeling that doesn’t let go. Or more like that when you’re already a bit down, having that moment in your life where things don’t feel the best, then it hits you. Those feelings that you didn’t even remember existing because maybe you didn’t feel that they were there anymore or you had made that decision that they aren’t part of you. Walking with a badge of honor for something you’re afraid of saying out loud. Sometimes it takes a hit from a cold and wet towel to your face to realize what you want and why you want it.

In this case, I had to admit that I am insanely good at and love coaching, and that I want to get better at it. That I have to find my own balance and boundaries when it comes to my way of coaching, so that I won’t deplete on a regular. That maybe I do feel alone at times, and that it would actually be nice to have someone in my life, that I don’t need to feel like there’s something wrong in that. How nice would it be to fall asleep on someone’s arms? Really damn nice.

For me this past couple of months has been a time of being me more than ever before, once again. And a time of realization of what I want and what I want to let go. And how I don’t, really honestly don’t have to carry this load of life on my own shoulders alone all the time, it’s ok to feel weak and tired and need others to be there. I still suck majorly on that department but I’m getting better at it. I also hope that with this post, I could slow and steady get over my fear of being me here and writing again, even if that means that someone here in Finland actually reads this and might even say something to me about it… Shit that is scary! I’m honestly terrified of that. No jokes whatsoever!

Writing your being out. That stuff is my therapy, just like running is. But it’s also putting yourself out there in a way that anyone, whoever can put you down or comment or just very honestly dislike you. I don’t think I’m any braver than anyone else for starting my journey the way I did. I still hope the same thing I did back then, maybe if I can help one person somewhere around the world to feel like they are not alone, then I feel like I’ve done what I set out to do, without realizing it back then.

So, what this new beginning is, basically… I’m challenging my own damn self to do something I love and enjoy again, whether I am scared shitless or not.